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AIBU?

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Original poster

Today's telling off from DH

258 replies

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:00

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

OP posts:
RazzberryGem · 12/04/2024 09:42

This isn't about cups and being half an hour late from work etc. That's just what's at the tip of the iceberg.
What's really going on with him? Whys he so unhappy?

Wishimaywishimight · 12/04/2024 09:44

I am pretty calm but if I was getting daily 'telling offs' from DH I would eventually be driven to scream; "For the love of God will you shut the fuck up, you are not my fucking boss and you are driving me insane. Back the fuck off you fucking arsehole".

Cornishclio · 12/04/2024 09:45

I don't think I could live with someone like this. If he is constantly moaning at you I would be telling him to shut up or move out. We all have particular ways of doing things but if you are constantly doing things he wants them he has got used to you just doing as he tells you. Assert yourself and tell him you will stack cups and pull curtains however you want to and if you want to let DC play with water (supervised presumably) then what harm is he doing? He is petty and just likes to feel he is in charge.

Starlight1979 · 12/04/2024 09:46

"He has made it clear he doesn't like my job."

WTF has it got to do with him?!?!

Actually I do know, as other posters have said, he's trying to get you to perform badly / get you to hate your job so you quit and then can be subservient to him and no longer self sufficient. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. It is a classic abuse tactic.

Please do not leave your job / reduce your hours. If anything I would actually try to get into the office more / do longer hours / try to get promoted. You will need to be financially dependent for when you leave this absolute cock jockey.

EmilyTheCriminal · 12/04/2024 09:47

Op this is not normal behaviour. I cannot imagine how unpleasant it must be for you to live with someone who treats you like this. He's telling you off like you're a naughty child and not an equal.

Realdeal1 · 12/04/2024 09:47

@Wowohwow88 my ex was like this. Its emotional abuse. He would rage if the cups weren't moved from the draining board or if my clothes weren't perfect. Not just a throwaway comment. I became so worn out by it all. I think you should weigh up all your options as this isnt healthy behaviour in a relationship. You know this though.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 12/04/2024 09:47

Do you even like each other any more? Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? If he would look at counselling and you think he could really see how awful this is, then I might be tempted to work at it, but that’s a big if.

Remember, your children will use their parents relationship as a guide, do you want them to think this is normal?

AhNowTed · 12/04/2024 09:49

He has no ambition and resents that you do.

And to stroke his pathetic ego he undermines you constantly.

That is not love.

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 12/04/2024 09:49

Why are you being so polite with him ? This is your husband, if you can't be blunt with him then who can you be yourself with?

Call him out on him, tell him to stop being such a tedious dickhead and either move on so you can all have a good time or go on the holiday by yourself. I couldn't be arsed with such drivel and you shouldn't either.

Cloverforever · 12/04/2024 09:49

He is threatened and jealous of your job and calls you a bad mother. This is really not a nice person, and not someone who I would want around my children, or me.

Your life could be so much happier without this emotional abuser in your home.

GingerPirate · 12/04/2024 09:50

Can't imagine living like this.. 😞

C1N1C · 12/04/2024 09:50

We all know 90% of the people here probably complain that their man folds towels wrongly, leaves water marks around the sink, or doesn't load the dishwasher properly... but nope, a man can't have his way of doing things... that's abusive and nasty.

GingerPirate · 12/04/2024 09:52

C1N1C · 12/04/2024 09:50

We all know 90% of the people here probably complain that their man folds towels wrongly, leaves water marks around the sink, or doesn't load the dishwasher properly... but nope, a man can't have his way of doing things... that's abusive and nasty.

Maybe he's got OCD. I got it and my poor husband is very tolerant.
🤨

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 12/04/2024 09:54

Hello Op
#I hope you are having a better day
As exepcted on almost every thread re 'realtionship problems' too many find it easy to say "leave the xxxc" - However, you will be aware first hand that it is never that easy

Have you decided your next steps?
Sit down and work out agreements how to speak to the other and if not happy how to apprach that etc and both try to relax and comprmise with the other if at a ll possible

As I said, its too easy for others to say "leave" - I've said this many times, I've met at work women who banged on about "i would leave if if he did this/that and the other" Sadly, with the advent of the internet, smart phones etc, more and more people were fliting and then trying it out for the real thing and cheating and getting caught. Did those people that banged on about "I'd leave hin" leave? You all know the answer

Talk, and if possible, try to take time off toegher

Good luck

Brefugee · 12/04/2024 09:56

C1N1C · 12/04/2024 09:50

We all know 90% of the people here probably complain that their man folds towels wrongly, leaves water marks around the sink, or doesn't load the dishwasher properly... but nope, a man can't have his way of doing things... that's abusive and nasty.

oh no you don't. 90% is a number you pulled from somewhere unsavoury.

Plenty of us have written about our perfectly lovely, normal husbands doing the necessary.

And if they do complain? so what? do they text their DH at his important man-job to tell him? Do they expect him to jump to attention when they get home and he's on a work call? I am sure there are some fussy women. And I'm sure 90% of us would say the same thing: leave.

KreedKafer · 12/04/2024 09:56

OP, reading your updates is making me feel incredibly worried for you. This is not a good man. He isn’t just a picky, pedantic bore. He is very controlling and he’s messing with your head, deliberately. Please, please take steps to get away from him.

Mimrr · 12/04/2024 09:56

C1N1C · 12/04/2024 09:50

We all know 90% of the people here probably complain that their man folds towels wrongly, leaves water marks around the sink, or doesn't load the dishwasher properly... but nope, a man can't have his way of doing things... that's abusive and nasty.

Not generally about men who do the biggest share of the drudge work and parenting though.
And if those women said they were texting their men at work and moaning at them for petty shit they would get zero support here.

RenegadeMrs · 12/04/2024 09:57

Do you want to continue to live like this? As you've made the post I'm assuming no?

So your options are to have a serious talk, or leave.

Codlingmoths · 12/04/2024 10:00

He hates your job for a few reasons.

  1. it is time you are not being the family slave, doing more for him that he can complain about and letting him do less
  2. it means freedom for you- time out of the home with adults, earning an income. Your job sounds great and will be a huge help in supporting you to leave.
leave. He works hard at making you miserable. Of course he trusts you with the children, he just wants you to be miserable while looking after them.
oakleaffy · 12/04/2024 10:05

When a relationship has reached this level of nagging, griping and pettiness, it's clearly not working for either party- either the nagged at, or the nagger.

Don't be that couple that are always bickering.

It's horrible to live like that.

Cherrysoup · 12/04/2024 10:09

He’s a controlling bully. Texting about the cups is incredibly over the top. Expecting you to talk when you’re on a work call is ridiculous.

The comments about being unfit to look after the dc is very concerning: is he building up to go for full custody?

Please read all the comments on here, OP. He is a cunt.

GCAcademic · 12/04/2024 10:09

I genuinely love my job, am good at it and well respected, but he can't understand why I enjoy working when he hates his job. He also can't understand that if I leave my work at the end of the day it is still there tomorrow, in his job someone else comes in and does it

As well as being abusive, he sounds pretty thick if he can’t understand that other jobs are different to his. But, as others have said, I suspect he wants you to fuck up at work and drag you down to his level or (preferably) below.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/04/2024 10:10

pointythings · 11/04/2024 21:16

If this is normal for him then you should consider replacing him with an upgraded model who can handle the basics of domestic life with a woman who has a job and not resort to moaning.

First post nails it !!

JFDIYOLO · 12/04/2024 10:11

He does not like, love or respect you.

You are choosing to stay in a situation where this is happening.

But worse, you are choosing to expose your children to this.

This is how children learn how to do relationships.

How to be emotionally abusive.

How to meekly accept being treated like shit.

You are an intelligent, respected adult with the ability to earn her own living and be independent. (This may be part of his problem. His problem - not yours).

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Recognising domestic abuse - Women’s Aid

Recognising domestic abuse Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you t...

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse

oakleaffy · 12/04/2024 10:12

RazzberryGem · 12/04/2024 09:42

This isn't about cups and being half an hour late from work etc. That's just what's at the tip of the iceberg.
What's really going on with him? Whys he so unhappy?

Nagging is often a symptom of a deeper malaise- Happy people don't nag.
Maybe he is jealous of OP's job, {he hates his}

Sounds like basic incompatibility.

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