Today's telling off from DH

[Wowohwow88]

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

What else is there to say aside from LTB? His personality won't change.

That was my first thought too.

he sounds like he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I would sooner be alone than subjected to that crap every day. Good luck OP.

I’m thinking about those lovely phases where my tots’ favourite activity was playing with water at the sink. It was such a sweet time, and passes so quickly.

It’s horrible that your memories of this stage will be of nasty insinuations by your horrible dh.

You are doing your kids no favours at all by staying with this man.

They will learn that abuse towards a partner is normal and to put up with it, if they’re the one on the receiving end.

Not letting them play with the tap? What else do he deem unsuitable play?

Do you really want this sort of life for them as they grow up?

He’s not interested in changing his behaviour so you only have 2 choices, stay and learn to accept that your life with him is always going to be shit or go.

I agree with those saying this is emotional abuse, I still now, several years later, remember the feeling of going back into the house after my ex husband left, and the feeling of relief.

Imagine not being criticized for everything you do wrong, not walking on eggshells and constantly wondering what you have done wrong.

I didn’t realize how fearful I felt all the time, and how the abuse had built up gradually all the time. I could never do anything right, and felt so anxious all the time, but until I was out of the situation I didn’t see it, until I saw the difference.

I have OCD, and I realize that’s my issue, and I try not to control things, and if something bothers me I will apologize, and if I really want something done a certain way, I would do it myself, and explain, not be telling people they have done something wrong.

Also you don’t want your children growing up thinking this is how you get treated, or how you treat people.

I know it’s not easy, but it sounds like you are struggling anyway, so make yourself happy.

Has he always been like this @Wowohwow88 or is it a recent build up? Either way I echo every other persons advice that he is being an abusive controlling arsehole.

If he’s always been like this, then you just need to run for the hills.

If this is a recent change then it’s worth looking into what on earth is going on to make him treat you so appallingly - is he grieving a parent, has he got enormous stress at work, is he having a mental health breakdown, is he having an affair etc? None of these are excuses by the way, it’s never acceptable to take out your frustration on your loved ones. But whatever the hell is going on with him he needs to be told that his behaviour is unacceptable, needs to stop and if he doesn’t then you will be leaving.

He wants all eyes and ears on him doesn't he?

He's putting you down to make himself feel better. But the feeling is fleeting so he has to do it again and again. He will never stop ... horrendous behaviour

He’s an abusive cunt. Call it what it is. LTB life is too short for that shit every day.

I have done this as well as adding "you've become a boring tedious person who is unpleasant to be around"
Have a conversation about separating and see if that's the road he wants to go down because that's certainly where this is heading.

I'd garrott him with the fucking curtain. What a mean nasty little man. Honestly I'd leave. Bollocks to living like that, it sounds exhausting.

He judges you for everything you do because he knows he is punching above his weight.

If you aren't ready to immediately ditch the whining bully

You need to use your higher intelligence ! superiority .
Curtains. "I do it my way"
Work hours. "I do it my way"
Cups: Ditto, or "Fuck Off"
Work calls: I'm working. Are you a 4 year old?
Child tap game: Immediately plonk dc in his arms. (Though it does seems a waste of water) & say your turn to play.

Tell him to get a better job, So he isn't a miserable nit picking bore

OP I think you should either tell him you want to split up, or suggest Relate. Constantly telling you off for things is not a way to continue a relationship, and not something you want your kids to model their behaviour on. If he’s prepared to go to Relate with you, and address his behaviour, then you may have a chance. Otherwise, I think the marriage should end, because you’re just not working as a couple any more.

Honestly OP - why are you still there? What joy does he add to your life, what comfort, what warmth? Is he the world's best fuck? If he isn't then what keeps you with him when life without him would be one where you weren't "told off" like a 5 year old every five minutes.

Frankly? leave. It won't get better, he will carp on and on and on.

If you were to answer "curtains wrong" with - it's your job from now on and "cups wrong" - it's your job from now on etc what would happen?

If you really think things might change, go to therapy with him. Make him address his issues with a 3rd party there. But frankly? I would just go. Life is too short for that kind of grinding down and general arsiness (when i worked and my DH was off with the DCs he just did everything that needed to be done, and vice versa. that is how a partnership works)

This man is abusive. Please leave him for your sake and your children’s. He will not change.
I spent 8 years of my life with someone similar and he ground me down into an absolute shell of myself. Every single day from first thing in the morning until last thing at night he would just pick pick pick away at me, nothing I did was ever right. I was walking on eggshells. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I got away from him. This behaviour is not normal, it’s not a healthy relationship. He is trying to control you and make you totally reliant on him.

Is there any chance you can start planning to leave?

He's an abusive bully and your children are seeing this and it's affecting them

'He says I am not fit to look after the children because of some of the decisions I make (youngest dc's favourite thing at the moment is to play with the tap, dh can't stand letting him play with the water where as I think its harmless) but dh thinks its perfectly acceptable to go away for weekend with mates for football and leave the dc with me'

Of all the frankly awful behaviour of your 'D'H you describe, this strikes me as particularly foul. He obviously doesn't really believe you are unfit to look after your DC as if he did he wouldn't leave them with you when he goes away...so this seems to be malicious and purely intended to hurt you.

You can either try (as others have suggested) to give him the message that his behaviour needs to change, and leave if it doesn't. Or you could leave now.

You are in a good position to leave because you have a job. He knows that. He is trying to get you to fuck up at work so that you go back to where you belong, paying all your attention to him and without the security you need to leave.

If your kids are playing with water stage then they are probably so young that it feels too daunting. That's ok. It's ok to start making a plan now and leave when they're at school, in a few years. In the meantime start putting down iron clad boundaries. Don't answer your phone when at work and if he challenges you look at him like he's insane and say "I was at work?". He is trying to get your attention on him and the best way to counter is to stone wall him. Give him no attention. He says about the cups, you just say "I'll stack them how I like" in a dismissive tone and then ignore it. Show him through your actions and attitude that you give no fucks about his attempts to control you.

I'm so sorry, sounds a really horrible thing to deal with. Definitely don't give up your job!

You already know what you need to do. I am betting you do not want your DC to grow up thinking this is the way people should treat each other.

He is a bully and abusive. You and your DC deserve better and you don't deserve to feel devalued by this azzhat.

Yep...

I cannot imagine my husband ringing up to tell me I've put the cups away wrong. He's a tool.

He's horrible. Please make plans to leave you deserve better.
My DH has a bit of a thing for cups, he has about 6 and each one is used for a specific drink at a specific time. Weirdo. I made him tea one morning in the wrong cup and he threw it away so now I never make him drinks.