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AIBU?

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Original poster

Today's telling off from DH

258 replies

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:00

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

OP posts:
Houseinawood · 11/04/2024 22:46

I would sit him done and say enough : you need to respect boundaries

  1. when at work do not come in, text, call or email unless it is an emergency - a list of what is an emergency is: one of you has been admitted to hospital. One of the children ill with a headache is not an emergency, you first aid and catch up with me when I get home. There are no other emergency. You do not text me for any other reason. I’m am working and you are not my boss so I’m not on your clock

  2. see above - you are not my boss so it’s also my house. Moan about me stacking the cups wrong and you will come home to no cups.

  3. negative nancy is not welcome - either he tells you daily of 10 positive things that he loves or appreciates about you and what you do or he can advertise for a doormat and you will buy him one from Amazon or he can advertise for a doormat and you are happy to resign

  4. treat me nicely or I’m going to fuck off and find someone who does appreciate me

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 11/04/2024 22:49

You know you need to leave, right?

MBappse · 11/04/2024 22:50

Agree with all the above.

Hugs OP

TheMuskratOfDestiny · 11/04/2024 22:54

Have a feeling he might have the initials MB

newyearsresolurion · 11/04/2024 23:06

Ive just left a shit marriage like yours a few months ago and it's absolute bliss. Am at peace. Please start planning to leave. Ife is short.

JPGR · 11/04/2024 23:24

He sounds an absolute twat and very controlling. You must be walking on eggshells all the time. Life is too short to be spending it with a bully like this.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 11/04/2024 23:24

Does he treat everyone he works with like this. Of course the answer is no, he wouldn’t have a job if he bullied his workmates. He knows this behaviour is unacceptable but thinks you will tolerate it. You must know deep down this isn’t a good environment for anyone. Tell him to take a long hard look at himself and quietly make plans to save yourself if he continues to treat you so badly.

ChedderGorgeous · 11/04/2024 23:26

Sounds like you need to organise a much longer "weekend" but away from him ? Maybe a 5 year weekend ?

Angelsrose · 11/04/2024 23:30

What an awful "D"H. Unfortunately the situation doesn't sound tenable, long-term.

Maray1967 · 11/04/2024 23:30

Houseinawood · 11/04/2024 22:46

I would sit him done and say enough : you need to respect boundaries

  1. when at work do not come in, text, call or email unless it is an emergency - a list of what is an emergency is: one of you has been admitted to hospital. One of the children ill with a headache is not an emergency, you first aid and catch up with me when I get home. There are no other emergency. You do not text me for any other reason. I’m am working and you are not my boss so I’m not on your clock

  2. see above - you are not my boss so it’s also my house. Moan about me stacking the cups wrong and you will come home to no cups.

  3. negative nancy is not welcome - either he tells you daily of 10 positive things that he loves or appreciates about you and what you do or he can advertise for a doormat and you will buy him one from Amazon or he can advertise for a doormat and you are happy to resign

  4. treat me nicely or I’m going to fuck off and find someone who does appreciate me

This.

OP, he needs to be told this loudly and clearly. I set ground rules when I had to work at the dining room table. DH got it straight away. Yours should not be walking in when you’re on calls. Stop that now.

And then, yes - push back hard with the comments about stacking cups etc.

VampireWeekday · 11/04/2024 23:34

I'm in a relationship just like this. Advice: write everything down, dispassionately and as it happens, timed and dated. Eventually you need to leave but having the evidence really helps.

Haydenn · 11/04/2024 23:35

Please think about leaving. If you won’t do it for yourself please don’t let your kids grow up thinking that this is how you have to behave to keep a partner

Notaflippinclue · 12/04/2024 00:05

Leave him at home and bugger off with the kids

OnigiriJones · 12/04/2024 00:26

How awful! Op, we only have one life. You know what you need to do.

Wossupdoc · 12/04/2024 04:46

This is abuse. Highly reccomend the Freedom Programme.

You need to invest in some psycotherapy for yourelf to explore why you have such low self worth to tolerate this treatment.

You are modelling to your DC - they think this lack of respect is what they should expect/inflict in a future relationship

imforeverblowingbuttons · 12/04/2024 05:48

This sounds hard work. What happens if you challenge him and tell him to pack it in?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 12/04/2024 06:27

He is an abusive dickhead. Start putting a random cup someone in the house every day and act like you never saw it before.
Tell him to shut the hell up and stop nagging and to sort out his ocd as he is compulsive about the cups, the curtains etc. Tell him to do it all so it is up to his standard. It must be draining to listen to this all the time. Tell him to just stop it now as making issues that need not be there and if he does not stop tell him you cannot live with him. Does it effect the children if they are playing or making a mess with toys which is natural and normal. Please stand up for yourself and tell him to sort out his oct and nagging or he is gone. Enjoy your few days off and hopefully he willl relax a bit on holiday and not be nagging.

Alainlechat · 12/04/2024 06:33

You have the patience of a saint OP.

Anyone in this house who wants a "thing" done a certain way gets to do the thing.

In fact in the case of those curtains I'd likely to have pulled them down and burnt them by now.

Unless the cups were going to fall out of a cupboard he had no reason to moan let alone text at work.

I'd be calling him out every time he criticised, do you realise that's the 3rd time you've criticised me today etc.

I honestly couldn't live like it, I'd be too raging!

ElizabethVonArnim · 12/04/2024 06:53

https://www.tiktok.com/@queennmomomof44*/video/7270939571452448043

Popchippps · 12/04/2024 06:55

Wave him off on holiday with the kids by himself and use the next 4 days to work out what you want to do next

he sounds awful does he belittle your children in the same way?

Original poster
Wowohwow88 · 12/04/2024 07:08

So if I capl hin out for how many times he had moaned about something I have done in a day, his answer is well done something right then

He has made it clear he doesn't like my job. I genuinely love my job, am good at it and well respected, but he can't understand why I enjoy working when he hates his job. He also can't understand that if I leave my work at the end of the day it is still there tomorrow, in his job someone else comes in and does it

He says I am not fit to look after the children because of some of the decisions I make (youngest dc's favourite thing at the moment is to play with the tap, dh can't stand letting him play with the water where as I think its harmless) but dh thinks its perfectly acceptable to go away for weekend with mates for football and leave the dc with me

OP posts:
JacobsCrackle · 12/04/2024 07:11

He is horrible, op. Have you looked into the practicalities of splitting?

toddlermam · 12/04/2024 07:15

I used to be with someone like that. It was mentally exhausting and I became a shell of myself. I left him after 6 years + one child and I can't even explain the relief that first night in our own home when the realisation hit me that I wouldn't get moaned at multiple times a day anymore.

Longlazyday · 12/04/2024 07:21

You love your job op and you are well respected. You are blessed. You sound like a lovely mum, chilled and respectful of what they enjoy. You sound like the bright star in this household. It is important that the decisions you make about your future and your children’s energises you and the children. Not diminish.

monkeysonthemoon · 12/04/2024 07:21

Get your largest pair of scissors and cut a couple of feet off the bottom of the curtains - they'll hang perfectly afterwards and no-one will be tripping over them.
Then leave him, he's a grade A arse.