Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Today's telling off from DH

258 replies

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:00

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

OP posts:

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 12/04/2024 07:24

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 22:05

Yes this is normal behavior. I expect some form of daily mention of something I have done wrong. Its honestly draining.

Usual themes are

The curtain isn't done properly (we have patio doors and he has a thing about the curtain being done in a certain way to stop the dc tripping over. I honestly do it how he has shown me every day and every day I am moaned at for it)

I work too much. I work 9-5 ish. Stop for lunch sometimes but that's usually either sorting a load of washing out or doing the school run when eldest dc is at school. If he walks in when I am on a call he expects me to stop the call to talk to him and gets annoyed when I ignore him as I'm on a call

I empty the dishwasher before work but occasionally forget to put something away (a bowl or a cup) will get called lazy or told that I must have been rushing back to work if I miss it. He won't then put it away himself, it will be left out for me to do

This is a very abusive man.

bozzabollix · 12/04/2024 07:24

My husband jokily nagged me to do something correctly yesterday, it only took me a few seconds to tell him to fuck off. It’s effective.

Aquarelles · 12/04/2024 07:24

I used to be with someone like this too. Nit-picking over tiny things, and he also HATED my job. He used to text me at 10am asking me what time I would be home, and nag at me if I was more than 5 minutes after my "official" finishing time.

My life is infinitely calmer and happier now that he's out of my life and my home.

I know it's not an easy decision, OP, to just up and leave, but life is short and do you really want this to be your life for the next however many years?

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 12/04/2024 07:25

pointythings · 11/04/2024 22:19

If you don't want to go straight to leaving him (though you should), you can try one Come to Jesus talk in which you tell him that the criticism stops RIGHT NOW, he learns to respect your boundaries when you are WORKING, and he sorts it if he thinks you've stacked cups or loaded the dishwasher 'wrong' in his eyes.

And if he doesn't step up and change radically, and quickly, you dump him.

Quote

I also think this is good advice.

unsync · 12/04/2024 07:25

As someone who spent years in an abusive marriage, please get rid of him. Don't waste your life with this useless man, he will chip away at you. Why not be happy instead?

greyonwhitesky · 12/04/2024 07:27

He sounds absolutely awful.

Penguinmouse · 12/04/2024 07:29

Really sorry to read this thread OP. This is emotional abuse and hope you can find a way out of it. The way out might feel scary but it will be better than this.

dapsnotplimsolls · 12/04/2024 07:31

Tell him to stick the curtain rod up his arse and then LTB.

2Old2Tango · 12/04/2024 07:33

My worry would be that at some point he'll transfer his complaining on to the DC and they won't be able to do anything right. I couldn't live like this as life is too short to be miserable. Are you seriously considering staying with this jerk OP?

Lifestooshort71 · 12/04/2024 07:33

Sounds to me as though, rightly or wrongly, he is also not happy in this marriage and it may be that splitting up will make you both happier?

betterangels · 12/04/2024 07:34

You're in an abusive marriage. I hope you have someone to talk to and can find your way out for you and the children. I'm sorry he's such an absolute twat.

PremiumRaa · 12/04/2024 07:40

MartinsSpareCalculator · 12/04/2024 07:43

Why are you together? What positive things does he bring to your life?

If my husband were off work for the week and I wasn't, he would just naturally pick up the stuff in the house without a conversation even needing to be had.

If he text me about stacking cups wrong I'd block him. I honestly couldn't imagine someone being so petty that they'd actually write a text about cups.

You sound resigned to this being your life and it really doesn't have to be.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/04/2024 07:45

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2024 21:33

You not in a good place because you're married to a complete dickhead.

I really am sorry. My advice is to seek a divorce. If you have to stay, I suggest going nuclear sometimes, "I'll stack the fucking cups any way I please. You're not my manager and I'm not staff. Stack them yourself if you care but don't waste your breath telling me. FFS." I could be more grown up and talk about assertiveness skills but he's clearly doing it in full knowledge he's a wanker.

I agree with this and this would be my way of dealing with it. No need to be polite or amenable around him. Tell him to eff off when he’s being like this.

And yes, leave, he’s an abusive twat.

PoochiesPinkEars · 12/04/2024 07:46

Longlazyday · 12/04/2024 07:21

You love your job op and you are well respected. You are blessed. You sound like a lovely mum, chilled and respectful of what they enjoy. You sound like the bright star in this household. It is important that the decisions you make about your future and your children’s energises you and the children. Not diminish.

👌👌

StopStartStop · 12/04/2024 07:48

Fabulous advice on this thread - leave him! They're so right.
You can have a talk first but honestly, you've tried. So, find what used to be called on here a 'shit hot lawyer' and organise a new, peaceful life for yourself.

PoochiesPinkEars · 12/04/2024 07:50

2Old2Tango · 12/04/2024 07:33

Agree, that would be my worry too.
Or they'll look up to him and view the world through his lens, maybe join him in seeing fault in everything mum does - which would be doubly heartbreaking (have seen this exact scenario discussed here now than once, and the poor mums in that situation had the shine stolen from them in their kids eyes, beyond awful).

Fannyfiggs · 12/04/2024 07:51

Yet another amazing woman being abused by a substandard man. Makes my fucking blood boil.

OP you must leave him. For your own sanity and for the children's mental health. This 'man' is a nasty bastard.

I wish men like this could have 'abuser' tattooed on their forehead to warn women not to get involved with them.

Savoyafternoon · 12/04/2024 07:52

I know there are 4 pages of replies telling you he is awful but I just had to add another of the same.
He is not a nice person. He sees no value in you. You would be so much happier without him bringing you down every day.

vidflex · 12/04/2024 07:53

If I was busy and anything then fell to my exh to have to do then he would pick fault and complain about everything. I'd be talked to like a child and made to feel useless.

This is a tactic to make you not rely on him in future. You'll find yourself taking all the load and desperately making sure everything is done to his standards. You'll toe yourself in knots and you know what, he will still find something to moan about, just to keep you on your toes.

crew2022 · 12/04/2024 07:55

As others have said, he doesn't value you.
Other people do.
Start to value yourself.
Put your foot down.
Tell him to stack the cups himself. Tell him not to interrupt you on a work call. Stop unloading the dishwasher "as you don't like it the way I do it I thought I'd leave it for you?".
Do you have support in real life? Start making plans to leave. You'd be better off alone.

Nicole1111 · 12/04/2024 07:55

You’re in an abusive relationship with someone who is controlling. His current projects include wearing you down and ruining your self esteem so you think you can’t do better than him or try to leave, and isolating you from work colleagues and trying to make you leave your job so you’re more reliant on him. As a starting point please look at this image. After that do the freedom
programme online. It’s relatively inexpensive.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/04/2024 08:05

“This is a you problem not a me problem. I don’t care how the cups are stacked and I have more urgent things to worry about. If it bothers you this much you sort it. If you continue to mither me about trivial stuff when I am working I will leave you. It’s your choice.”

Rinse and repeat and if it doesn’t stop you know what to do.

honeylulu · 12/04/2024 08:07

Bloody hell. What an awful man. Was he always so picky/such a moaner?
My husband can be a bit of a moaner and it got worse as he got older and grumpier. It used to frustrate me but now I just laugh at him and say "maybe your next wife will do it to your liking". He does have a sense of humour and that's enough to snap him out of it.

But yours is something else. An absolute chauvinist pig. Sounds like he doesn't want you to work because you should be constantly tending to his needs and domestic needs in general. But I bet he wouldn't be happy if you didn't bring in an income either. I can't believe you've been working full days, doing your share of domestic stuff and all nursery runs and he's saying you are lazy for not stacking cups correctly! Why doesn't he do all that since he's off work?

The stuff implying you're an unfit mother is awful, so insulting and damaging.

You need to start saying no, tough, you're not my boss, if you don't like it fuck off ... and mean it. If he doesn't pull himself together I think you'll be better off without him. It sounds like you're expected to do everything anyway and you won't have to listen to him moaning.

Edited for typo.

JMSA · 12/04/2024 08:13

Is this a recent change?
Men who are having an affair often take against their partner. It's their way of justifying their behaviour.
I'm not necessarily saying that he's cheating! But I'd be wary of a man who suddenly comes across as hypercritical.
I'm speaking from experience sadly.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread