Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

YABU. Laparoscopic gall bladder removal is not major abdominal surgery. I had it last year and was back at work in two weeks.

I also can’t see any reason having a dog around would be a problem.

I have had laparoscopic gallbladder removal. It is minor surgery. I have also had 3 c sections. They are major surgery. The two are frankly not comparable

Given the update, I think he is being a bit of a jerk. He can't take two hours out of his day to help out? And it is not even all at once?

That is what I thought too. I thought she was trying to make him be in a heightened state of fear for two hours a day. Turns out he is just a whiner.

I think you are both in the wrong, you should have asked him first especially knowing he dislikes driving- but he should also make more of an effort to keep the dog away from you- he may not want to drive him to daycare but maybe take him out for a day to the local park to meet dogs or just keep him in a room or two away from you? Make your day a little easier. He said he's happy to deal with him at home with numerous walks so I can't see why he would have a problem.

But you should have asked him or arranged other transport.

If you were worried DH would just let the dog run wild and cause chaos why didn't you just say that to him? 'DH it's not just about walking, you need to supervise him. Either you stay in the room with him all day and manage him in between walks or you take him to dog daycare'.

Also, genuinely not being judgemental, but does your dog need better training? Why is he leaping on you all the time and chewing things he shouldn't? Obviously all dogs will occasionally do that, but so much so you're worried DH needs to constantly supervise him? Perhaps DH should be taking him out to obedience training in all his substantial spare time.

I recognise gall bladder surgery is nominally major (I was told the same) but if there aren't any complications it really shouldn't be that hard to recover from. In any case, as you've noted in your most recent posts, all this is a side issue. DH is coasting on your hard work and not an equal partner. That is what needs addressing.

Obviously you didn’t bother to read the post from a surgeon who stated gall bladder removal, whether keyhole or otherwise, is classed as major abdo surgery, but really that’s not the point. The OP has had an operation and needs a few days at least to rest and recover and her useless tit of a husband is too selfish and lazy to help her achieve that!

@SallyMcCarthy

as Fudge has been mentioned a few times now, what breed is he ? and how old is he

and why have we not had a photo ?!!!

No chance of acknowledging people have pointed out with evidence that you are wrong in having said, very snidely, that it’s minor surgery, and that the op could hardly have a successful career if she doesn’t know something as basic as that?
anywya I hope she’s fucked off to a hotel where staff will provide food and told her Dh what’s what.

Team Wife. I agree with everything OP has said.

I think you’re both being a bit unreasonable.
Your DH sounds like he has an easy life and should be doing everything to make your life easier after surgery. Either doggy daycare, or looking after the dog.

But, you do come across as a bit martyrish in your posts and there’s definitely a tone of infantilising your husband - you should have got agreement for the daycare, and you were definitely unreasonable to drive the dog there yourself. You keep saying daycare is for the dogs social life - I think you should have made it clear that it’s to aid your recovery. And I’m also wondering how badly trained your dog is if it’ll leap on you without notice.

How would hubby go on if shed have had a c- section you are not allowed to drive for 6 weeks it can impede you're recovery he just should man up and take the dog to day care or she should go and stay in a hotel by herself and rest and recuperate my husband is the kind of person he would do this no questions asked yes he hates driving but wouldn't want to impede my recovery. Also he probably would get fed up after a bit of looking after the dog hes an ah