Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

It might be OTT but sounds like the dog goes there anyway so probably suits hubby when OP is taking the dog as means he has no interruptions to his day. But now he has been asked for 4/5 days to do it he’s got a problem because of the impact it has to him .

Dropping in on page 17 that your husband agreed to do it in advance, when the OP made no mention of that key fact, is quite the dripfeed.

As an aside, if you're not self-employed, then it's really not on that your work is letting a backlog pile up for you when you should be focusing on your health and recovery.

I think if you'd led with that update, the replies might be a bit different.
I still think you should have asked him before booking but he does come across as very selfish. When you first posted, I was thinking he had genuine anxiety about driving, but if he can do it for a holiday with the lads, he can do it for you.

@Nothing7 I read OP’s update afterwards and it does seem selfish that he can’t do it for a short period or at least properly watch the dog while she is recovering. I guess I expect nothing these days, DH can be very selfish at times.

A classic case of the more you give someone the more they take.

@SallyMcCarthy your most recent reply puts the situation in a different like. I retract my previous YABU, you are clearly not being unreasonable.

In what bloody universe did he sacrifice his career? And if it was that big a deal he could have picked it up again as soon as the children were old enough to see to themselves, which the IP has already said was six years ago. He sounds like a selfish, entitled fucker and the fact that he won't put himself out one iota for the wife who has enabled his frankly amazing lifestyle for a week while she recovers from surgery in peace speaks volumes!

It ended up being major for me, due to some errors and infections post surgery. Was off work for 8 weeks rather than the "few days" recovery. The thread is not about this, but there's always one isn't there?

So what has your husband being doing? This is supposedly day #4 after surgery and you haven't said anything about what he's been doing/not doing around the house to take care of you and the dog while you rest. Your update said you don't "believe" he will watch the dog and he would just wander off, and you would have to stop the dog from chewing, etc. These are all hypothetical and what you THINK he would act like. Which are strange considering you're going through this situation right now, but you haven't given real facts. Where's the update about what your days have actually been like?

I just live that you have a dog called fudge. Haha

Best wishes for your surgery & good luck with your recovery!

love*

You were unreasonable to not ask him in advance if he would be happy to drive 2 hours a day ( I would not )

Honestly, it sounds like you think you can command your husband to do what you want him to do, then when he refused, you decided to make him see you can manage without him etc. You sound very controlling. What made you think you could decide your husband will do the driving for 2 hours and not even think to ask him? It sounds like your making him pay for you bring the breadwinner? As in, you don't think he should even be asked. Yabu

She didn’t drop it in on page 17, it was also mentioned in her first reply on page 5 🤷🏻‍♀️

She did ask him. He agreed. He did it once and changed his mind. OP now doesn’t trust him to take care of the dog at home when he says that’s ok as an alternative knowing it will get left to her. It’s not a difficult thread

She did ask him in advance and he agreed

It's a fair cop, clicking "see all" then "go to post" let me down when I misclicked on the wrong one.

For God’s sake read ALL of the OP’s updates! The DH in question is the biggest, most selfish, useless CF inclined cock lodger yet and he’s also incredibly stupid too! You’d think that it would be in his own best interest to ensure that the woman who provides his enviable lifestyle recovers as well and as quickly from her surgery as possible so that she can continue funding him in the style that he no doubt thinks he deserves, but no, he’s too fucking idle to be bothered! Why in fuck’s name are you defending him?

I like this reply 😂 I hope OP is coming back to see some of the responses supporting her - it’s a shame she didn’t put some of the points in the first thread - I’m terrible I always don’t read the whole thread but I always make sure I read all OP comments if it’s a mahusive thread just so I can get all the facts.
I would be hugely upset if I were her - I don’t think it’s been a big ask at all and he sounds very entitled - possibly one of the few times she’s asked for him to put himself out for 0.01% days of the 15 years he’s not worked and he’s thrown his toys out of the pram and proved he’s a certain type of lodger

it isn't "major" surgery but it is bloody painful. I couldn't stand upright or cough or laugh for a week after it (keyhole). Not "a bit" but a bloody LOT painful.

Surprised your earn so much money and don't know that "major surgery" means "not keyhole" and "laparoscopic" means "keyhole". Therefore you have not had "major abdominal surgery" you've had keyhole abdominal surgery

If she earns big money as a doctor, I'm concerned. But I don't particularly care if my solicitor, financial advisor or architect know that difference.

I doubt you care either, you just saw a chance to act superior. Well done.

@mrsdineen2 it's fairly basic common knowledge. I don't consider myself superior by knowing something so mundane, but if op walks around telling everyone she had "major keyhole surgery" she's going to make a fool of herself

Or she knows the difference and is just trying to paint her husband as a villain by over exaggerating her surgery to make him look worse

Actually, I decided Google it in case it comes up in my next Accounting job interview.

Laparoscopy is a minimally invasive procedure, but that doesn’t always mean it’s a minor surgery. Many abdominal procedures can be done as laparoscopic surgeries, but they’re still major surgeries. Your surgeon is the best person to tell you if your procedure is a major surgery, how to prepare for it and what to expect during recovery.

But I'm sure you know better.

Yes, exactly - I have no idea whether it’s major or minor because I’m an arty type - but my surgeon and other peeps at the hospital said it’s considered major despite being laparoscopic.