Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Yabu for not discussing it with your dh before booking. You could have reached an agreement where he'd drive for 2/3 days and then fudge stays home for the rest of the week. I'd be pissed if my dh just decided I would be driving 2 hours a day (no matter what the reason) without discussion because I'm a sahp.

I'm presuming your DH has equal rights over Fudge.
He is happy to look after him and take him out etc ( generally keep him out your way).

I don't think he should be expected to drive him there and back every day as you wish. The poor guy obviously doesn't like driving and 30 minutes isn't really around the corner.

Picture of Fudge or it didn't happen.

YABU - you've just decided unilaterally that your OH should spend 2 hours each day in the car so you can "recover" - I had the same surgery recently and it never entered my head that my dog would need to be elsewhere. You OH offered to keep the dog out of your way, there's no reason why he should agree to 2 hours of travel each day for something that isn't actually necessary for your recovery?

You're driving a car after having your gallbladder out? Stop it, it's dangerous when you can't do an emergency stop. There's no way I could have done that after mine. It isn't major surgery though. If you have an accident and it's found you've been driving when you shouldn't, it won't reflect well on you.

You should have asked him. Set the bedroom up so you can have the peace you need and leave the dog downstairs with your husband

Husband obviously doesn't give a shit that you're driving dangerously so I would.be addressing that when better. Time to go back to work maybe.

@SallyMcCarthy you are not actually meant to drive for 10 days!!! your insurance will be invalid if you have an accident. your hubby sounds like a bit of a moaning minny to me though. he doesnt want to really do anything to help you!

Please,please stop driving.
You are almost certainly uninsured.

And seriously consider taking some time off to heal rather than work.

Talk to your husband, but I wouldn't be impressed if DH organized for me to spend 2 hours a day driving. Is there a compromise of every other day?

Your husband doesn’t like driving though and it’s quite far away just to take the dog to doggy daycare when you say the dog would be fine at home, just a-bit bored.

Driving the dog there yourself was just stupid the day after your surgery.

I thought it was going to be you alone with dog, if he's home leave the dog at home.
Tbf it's a fairly quick recovery this op.

Firstly, you haven't had major surgery. It was laparoscopic.

Secondly, you can't make assumptions that another adult will do something for you, ever.

Thirdly, you know your DH doesn't enjoy driving and yet you still assumed he'd sit in the car for 2 hours per day (with only 4-5 hours between each drive) in addition to everything else he does everyday, in addition to you being out of action for a while.

Fourthly, you've put your dog's "fun" ahead of your actual human DH's dislike of driving 2 hours per day.

I could go on. You are so unreasonable on so many levels (including driving the day after surgery - idiotic, and incidentally 'proof' your surgery wasn't major), it's incredible you even have to ask.

You were unreasonable to just assume he’d do it and book it without at least getting his agreement.

I don't disagree with most of the comments but I will say that my recovery and pain levels were worse after having my gallbladder removed via keyhole surgery than after having a c section

Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Yes, because you are being a manipulative martyr.

Also, you are driving without insurance.

Sorry, I wouldn't be driving two hours a day for five days so my dog can have a playdate if I was home and capable of looking after him. I'd barely do that for my child.

You should have organised and confirmed this before your Op too tbh, not just assumed he'd do it when you know he hates driving.

Unless your dog is absolutely massive and completely out of control I don't see how he'll be disruptive to your recovery either. I have three big dogs and managed to recover from abdo surgery with them still in the house.

YABU.

I think you should have discussed this with your husband first and you probably wouldn’t be cleared by a doctor to drive which invalidates your insurance. It’s not reasonable to book something that you depend upon somebody else doing something they dislike to accommodate without you getting their agreement so YABU.

I hope you feel much better soon.

Expecting your husband to spend two hours per day driving when younknow he hates it is completely unreasonable. My husband also hates driving and I would never ask this this of him.

The dog will be fine with your husband walking him. If he can't settle down after mutiple walks, then it sounds as though he has behavioural issues that need addressing, I say that as the owner if a high energy border collie.

It's v concerning that you priortize your dog's happiness over both your husband's happiness and your own health.

Depends how irritating the dog is at home. If it's extremely irritating then the husband is being unreasonable.
If it's like most dogs who just snooze if their owners are settled at home then the op is being ridiculous.

Obviously I cannot judge without life dog info but if I was at home recovering my dog would be snoozing nearby and be quite happy. He would also go about 5 days without a walk before he got really annoying due to lack of stimulation. But my dog is 10 and a right limpet so it's hard to tell. He also does not jump on laps. Perhaps the op dog does.

But @mynameiscalypso the OP isn’t in as much pain as you were as she has got into her car and driven the dog. If her recovery was that bad she physically wouldn’t have been able to do that.

I mean I love dogs, and I always loved the dogs I had but this is a bit much, seriously you’re doing all this driving so your dog can have fun at day care? That’s bonkers.

I'm a surgeon.

This operation IS classed as major abdominal surgery. Just because recovery is usually straightforward and it's done as daycase doesn't change that.

You will not be insured for driving the day after surgery. Guidance is absolutely not within 48 hours of a general anaesthetic and then not until you'd do an emergency stop without hesitating which almost no one could do within a couple of days. So you are massively unreasonable for this alone.

Now the non medical answer - if I was your husband I'd be pissed off that you were micromanaging how I managed your request to keep the dog away to allow you to recover. It's a completely reasonable request but it's for your husband to decide how it's achieved given that it's him who is having to do it. I'd also think that if you were considering yourself well enough to drive for 2 hours you were well enough to sort it yourself and I'd now be leaving you to it

It doesn't sound like you have much respect for your husband. That might be warranted, it's hard to tell from what you say.

Oh come off it. He'd be driving two hours a day if he drove to work.

Yabu and totally ridiculous. Team husband.

No, so that she can rest.

You should have discussed it with him first. And why on earth is you driving for 2 hours a better scenario than just having the dog at home, especially if your DH takes the dog out a lot. And I'm assuming you don't live in 1 room - surely just go in a different room to the dog.
Your relationship seems to have an odd dynamic, with you being the only income. Why is he not working now, assuming your kids are teens if not older?