Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Yeah 2 hours in the car each day to take dog to play with friends is a pain in the arse. Just let the dog chill at home.

@SallyMcCarthy Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

In this context, it sounds as if you expect your husband to jump to your command. It doesn't always work like this, any more than it would if the roles were reversed.

I would suggest finding doggy day care closer to home. Even if you can't find an actual day care centre there will be dog sitting services with other dogs for Fudge to play with.

I wouldn't expect anyone to do a 2 hour round trip every day for doggy day care and I say that as a dog owner and huge lover of dogs. I also think your husband has offered a reasonable compromise.

However reading between the lines I don't think this is anything to do with the dog I think it is about your relationship with your husband and the fact he is falling to meet your expectations at a time when you feel he should be prepared to do anything you ask whilst recovering from surgery.

As for driving your car whilst recovering that is irresponsible Fudge isn't going to report you to the RSPCA if he doesn't go to daycare for a few weeks. Wheres if you have an accident driving what you have been advised not to your insurance will be invalid.

Please don't drive. It isn't safe...you could kill someone.

Tell your DH if he doesn't want to drive Fudge then he has to have him out the house for the same number of hours as if at daycare. Or is there somewhere nearer he can go?

And what benefits do you get for having disabilities and unable to work if the family is rich?? 😂

Yeah, I took at gave value what she said in her update. My original opinion was if he hadn't been asked she was being unreasonable, if she had asked them he was.

I have a dog, he also likes day care, but to send him for a whole week when husband is there to look after him is a bit much. Especially when one doesn't like driving and the other is recovering from an operation.

Is there a particular reason for your husband not working now that the children are older?

I’m confused. Why do you shove your dog off into day care when there’s someone at home? Why do you even have a dog? And does it go to daycare all the time? Even when you’re fine?!

If there’s no financial need I don’t think the sahm partner has to work just because the kids got older, after doing all the parenting and house for the busy years and supporting the other career.

@Codlingmoths- I'd have to disagree with this- basically that gives the impression that a SAHP works only u it's the youngest child is 18/ independent/ leaves home and their job is done, yet the parent who is financially responsible is always financially responsible. I'd say once the last kid has left/ grown up, the SAHP could look to start to contribute financially, and then both maybe get to take a step back with a joint financial input, the working partner can maybe look to go part time? I don't think the SAHP then gets to do sweet FA for the rest of their life.

Thank you! I can see him being a SAHD, though many women do that and still manage a PT job; but the kids are not little any longer, and he should be working so he has a pension. He sounds lazy, IMHO.

But the person who has been working at a job for ALL of those years, has to keep working for a lot MORE years? Or do they get to quit their "job" as the SAHP did once the kids are grown and OOTH?

I know it may sound harsh but I think that if we were talking about a "stay at home mum" instead of a "stay at home dad", I feel the expectation would be that they would be going back to work maybe as soon as the youngest child started in reception. However, in my view they should certainly be doing something to contribute financially as well as practically to the care of the "children" as they get older. Although they may not need so much in the way of hands on care/the presence of one or other parent, as they get older they certainly do not become cheaper!

I think the husband here may be slightly selfish and perhaps a little bit lazy. Perhaps the OP has been so busy working to keep this show on the road that she hasn't had the space to address this. But now she has to take enforced rest to recuperate she does have that time. I hope she uses it wisely.

Curious if he drives 30 minutes or more to any hobbies, as that would make him a bit of a twat if so...

Actually yes your operation and OPs were both major surgery.

PIP - personal independence payment, and contribution based ESA are payable if you are either disabled in the first instance, or sick and unable to work, in the second. PlP isn’t means tested, and ESA allows for personal income such as private pensions up to £85 per week. It doesn’t count household income.

As mentioned upthread l had a laparoscopic cholecystectomy and was home the next day - back at work the following week because my job was sedentary. It isn’t considered major surgery in the same way as open cholecystectomy.

You want your husband to drive for an hour x2 each day just so that your dog can have fun?! Dog needs trumping human needs or what.

This, yabvu. You don't just make a plan that involves someone else spending 2 hours a day doing something they hate, without ok-ing it with them. He has said he'll walk the dog?!

If he’s not working and it was agreed then yes he should stick to this despite one traffic jam. He’s being a bit precious about this I’d say.

What else doesn’t he do that he could/should do? It does seem like when he gave up work and didn’t return he’s got into a pattern of not wanting to put himself out and then stalling when there’s an issue with this. It’s not LTB territory 🤣but I wouldn’t be happy that he couldn’t make an effort.

If you read the OP’s subsequent posts you will see that he originally agreed to this.

You don’t need your doctor to OK your driving. After surgery they just advise the suitable period of recovery before driving again, and away you go. That’s my experience anyway.

PIP is not dependent on being out of work. And I thought contribution based ESA had a time limit - but maybe I'm wrong?

Laparoscopic surgery decreases recovery time. However it doesn't change that it is still major surgery.

Not really, if the husband is raking in 6 figs, it's common for the woman to stay at home rather than work a minimum wage job.

Sadly I know a few couples who met at our uni (prestigious uni, prestigious course, so equally good prospects) where the SAHM's chance of a City career died off during the child-rearing years. Financially, there was no point them going to do some crap admin or shelf stacking job for literally pennies compared to what they had enabled their husbands to earn.

Of course there's the whole pride/independence thing but I'm just saying financially this is a common arrangement for many former SAHMs

I can understand that you feel let down that things did not go as planned.

However, your driving immediately after surgery recklessly endangered other peoples lives. This is on you and not on DH.

If DH was really going to walk the dogs lots and keep him out of the way then this was a reasonable alternative course of action.

I suspect that there may be a lot more to this regarding your relationship with DH though.