Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Yabu. I’d be with you if your husband hadn’t offered to look after the dog and if your dog day care wasn’t so far away!

But he had already agreed to take the dog to daycare. So if he didn’t keep his promise on that why would you believe that he would keep his promise this time?

Yes it is rather a fuss about something not earth-shatteringly important.

I’m kind of vacillating: you’ve had an op and it doesnt sound as though DH has many other demands with the dv gone and Fudge able to be dropped at his social event so part of me thinks why not humour a recovering woman for five days. My DH used to drive quite far to get me a certain food when I had morning sickness.

However you did say you wanted Fudge to have fun and that seems to be the point of chauffeuring him , rather than you getting rest. Also YABU for driving : you’re either needing special treatment or you’re not .

So I’m a bit torn. The only thing I see clearly is Fudge is a bit over-indulged.

Fudge going to his playdate

You do know that if you have an accident, you would not be covered by insurance? Way too soon to be driving after anaesthetic.

i would call it major surgery - the internal
healing is the same regardless of how the organ is removed. Everyone's recovery is different, so I am sure ops experience of how she feels is legit , though so pleased your surgery was just a bit painful afterwards as that the best possible outcome, healing is a super power or fantastically high pain tolerance. 💪🏻💪🏻

Though totally agree about talking to the husband though before booking this especially as you know he hates to drive @SallyMcCarthy it's 2 hours a day all in with return .
you shouldn't drive for 48 hours after a general anaesthetic and then depending on your surgery possibly longer - I had a
laparoscopic hysterectomy but was still told to wait 4 weeks before driving : to check car insurers policy and to make sure I could do an emergency stop too , look after yourself you only get one recovery

If hubby gets stressed while driving, but has offered to take care of the dog whilst you're recovering, Perhaps are there other dog walkers you're friendly with in a local park ? Could DH perhaps walk him in the park and let him socialise with other dogs there, to give you some quiet at home while you recover?
Hope you're feeling better soon.
xx

Nah sorry you're being unreasonable. I have a hyper and sometimes in your face 3 year old pointer / beagle cross but she still sleeps about 12 hours a day and that's on one 30 walk (she is off lead and running pretty much constantly though so equivalent to 1-1.5hrs on a lead). 3 walks a day she'd be in heaven tbh. 95% of the time she's awake she's just laying down next to me. She would in no way bother me or disrupt my healing time, in fact she would be a comfort and companion to me.

If he said he would do it, then he should do it, so YANBU there.

However, I think it's very selfish to put other drivers and passengers at risk by driving when you feel 'tender and weak and barely recovered'. Wanting your dog to have fun is not an emergency.

I have a really energetic dog breed so I understand wanting him to be at daycare so you can recover. However, I think a 2 hr drive daily is crazy - that's way too much for anyone (especially someone post surgery who isn't really fit enough to drive) hrtft but presumably your dh is sorting your children and looking after you. So I wouldn't be asking him to drive 2 hrs when he could walk the dog multiple times a day to keep fudge happy.

Yabvu to get back on the road 2 days post surgery when you're probably not well enough to cope with an emergency stop for example. That puts other road users at risk and is unfair especially since you know you don't feel ready. That in itself invalidates your insurance.

Provided your dh does actually walk the dog multiple times in the day then yabu.

I also don't think it would go down well if someone was expecting a SAHM to drive 2 hrs a day on top of everything else in this scenario just because she wasn't earning. It doesn't come across well op

Sounds as if you're married to Fudge. It can't be much hubby fun when doggy fun is trumps.

I fear the OP is not coming back. I think she expected lots of agreement with her position!

You have been the sole breadwinner all these years and your husband cannot even do a simple thing like drive the dog to day care? He is selfish. It doesn't matter that you didn't have 'major abdominal surgery' you still need to recover.
I do not think you are being unreasonable at all, it's about your overall well being and your husband is putting his first.
I am sorry that you have this stress on tip of everything else. First World problem maybe but it was important to you for quite a number of reasons it seems so your husband should have helped make that happenxx

I think the day care is too far away. I'd max go 10 mins but wven that would be 40 mins per day for him. Seems a lot.. Can't you get a dog walker to take him out? Actually husband has said would walk 3 times a day which seems fine to me.
If dog is crate trained let him sleep some of day in there while you recover.

Thanks so much for feedback everyone! A couple of people have suggested I'm not replying because I expected more people to be on my side. Nothing could be further from the truth! I actually would love it if everyone thought I was being unreasonable -- because I'm the only one in this scenario whose behaviour/attitudes I can change. I'm thrilled that so many people think my husband is being perfectly reasonable. Also, I've had lots of huge psychological insights - things I didn't realise were true, like: yes, of course it would be fine for husband to look after Fudge at home if I believed husband would do this in a way that enabled me resting. (I don't. Husband tends to stroll off and do whatever he fancies, and there could easily be a situation where eg Fudge leapt on me enthusiastically and hurt me, or started chewing something he shouldn't, and I'd have to run across the room to stop him because husband would be off somewhere doing whatever he wanted.) So, my thought is: 'If Fudge is here, let's face it, I'll be the one he's with whenever husband isn't walking him, and stuff will happen, and I will have to leap out of a chair or risk him eating something he shouldn't.' Husband is prepared to walk F three times but not, crucially, to say 'Don't worry - you rest and I'll be the one on Fudge duty all day.'

A couple of factual points people have asked about: husband hasn't worked professionally since about 2009. My work brings in more than enough money, so he didn't need to. I love my work, so we were both quite happy with the idea that we both got to spend our time doing pretty much what we want (except for me that was my career and for him that was his hobbies - golf, running, and now he's doing a bit of graphic design stuff online.) I'm v happy with this when I'm feeling strong and fine.

Husband doesn't hate driving that much. He recently went on a lads trip to the lake district with old uni mates and drove for 6 hours there and back without a single complaint. He isn't at all anxious about driving - he just finds it a mild pain when he'd rather be on his computer or out running.

I have this possibly unreasonable thought (I'm actually okay with being unreasonable here, believe it or not): 'Thanks to my work happening - by lucky chance - to become very successful and popular, you've been able to basically do exactly what you want, all day every day, since 2009. No school run, ever - kids got a bus to school and back from outside our house. Yes, you cook dinner sometimes, but so do I, and very often we eat out or get takeaway. You are one of the most free, lucky and indulged people on the planet. For one week, yes, you should be willing to do this just because I want it done.' My Ideal Husband would want me to have the recovery-from-surgery that I wanted, without worries about dog responsibilities, and would have made that happen. (I'm not leaving my husband - in many ways I love being married to him - he's funny, interesting, clever and we get on brilliantly when I'm on good form. But there's no denying that he is - in my humble opinion - a bloody selfish git. If I were starting again from scratch, I might prioritise trying to find a husband who had kindness, chivalry and considerateness as key qualities.

Hmm op I’d consider going to a hotel /nice bnb for a few days and leaving him to look after dog if he’s as selfish as all that. He can drive you to the hotel :) I’d be very clear ‘ I can recover at home as you. Won’t. Watch. The. Dog. You’d think that would be a minor job for helping me recover, but you seem to think doing anything for me is a
major favour and just too much which is pretty unattractive’

I can understand why you’re irritated by him.

I think he might be as indulged as Fudge actually!

I think where people got put off the scent was where you talked about how Fudge loves his doggy daycare so much, which made it sound as though the drama was all for Fudge to get his whims catered to . I suspect, in fact, you were aiming to preempt any ”poor Fudge: shoved in daycare” comments.

This post makes it clearer you feel DH won’t mind him effectively in which case I’m saying YANBU ( but still YABU for driving).

100% with you here. He sounds incredibly selfish. If that is too much to ask but he’s happy to drive when it suits him… I don’t know why people are saying 2 hours as I understand it’s 30 mins each way with maybe a bit of traffic, and at some point you’ll be working too.
he sounds very spoiled and doesn’t seem to want to put himself out when you’re recovering. My mum had emergency gallbladder removal and we wouldn’t let her drive or do anything whilst she recovered.
I am also shocked he lets you drive the dog to and from on days you work, sounds like he’s got the life or Riley and I would be resentful!

For me the crux wouldn't be because you want it done, but because it's the right thing to do.

and that's what couples do they look after each other .

i do agree your husband is a selfish in nature .

I have recently had major abdominal surgery, my husband works full time ( as do I ) and we have a 5 year old . In the recovery period especially the first 2 weeks my husband ran himself ragged to ensure I was catered for the house was tidy , the child was catered for and he s worked ( but organised to do so from home to keep an eye on me )
he had research on how to aid recovery , and did it all with out complaint and I fell more deeply in love with some one I already loved deeply

so I can understand how this would not cause issue for divorce but rock the boat and get on your nerves some

was everything done how I would do it ? - NO but he kept it all going - the fact your husband said he would care for him at him would in my eyes mean keep an eye on him.
3 walks a day should tire him - is your husband actually walking him ? Of
just chilling on a bench out of sight ( grew up with high energy working dogs - 3 x 1 hour walks would have settled them for the day )

Reading your update I do have a bit more sympathy for you. You probably know him well enough to judge whether he would have kept the dog away.

Have you expressed to him how you feel? It's a tough one because you didn't give him a chance so I expect he'll just insist that he would have kept the dog away from you...

I agree with your husband, I couldn’t be bothered to sit in the traffic either to take a dog to daycare, you have to be joking right. I don’t like the way you gone on about your husband not working either, he sacrificed his career to be there for the kids and you are disrespecting him for it? How ungrateful. Get a grip OP, it’s just a dog! DH has offered a perfectly reasonable alternative.

It’s not forever it’s for 4-5 days and op is recovering from surgery. If he cared enough he wouldn’t hesitate to take 4-5 days out of 365 days of a year to help out his wife.
The OP has stated the kids at school age got a bus to school and they are now grown adults - so he didn’t give up a huge amount because school age he didn’t get a job within school hours and now he hasn’t got a job. And the OP had also mentioned that he likely won’t stick to his alternative agreement like he hasn’t stuck to the agreement that he’d do these 4-5 days.
Sounds very selfish

@Nothing7 that’s men for you, they are all selfish.

So your husband would be in the car for 2 hours a day driving a dog back & fourth to play? Sounds way OTT to me personally OP. Save your money & let hubby look after the dog.

A lot can be! I feel for the OP.
Just ran this past hubby and he agrees with OP - thinks it’s incredibly selfish and a small ask - the fact he doesn’t work is even irrelevant - if they were both working and she’s had surgery he skills want to help do whatever to help her whilst she recovers