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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 12/04/2024 07:30

I do think that because my husband has been able to be rich and completely free with his time since the kids turned into adults 6 or so years ago, that he could stick to his promise to do just four days of dog drop offs, which he agreed to before I went into hospital, even though he doesn't enjoy driving.

He's in the wrong. He’s ’completely free’ with his time. He should be able to honour a prior agreement while the bankroller of his luxury lifestyle recovers from surgery, even if he doesn’t like being ‘stuck in the car’ all that much. 🙄

ChildcareQ · 12/04/2024 07:43

Oldtigernidster · 11/04/2024 21:47

I hope you make a good recovery.
Fudge is a very lucky dog to have such a lovely, caring owner. Sadly I don’t think your DH feels quite the same about him as you do. Refusing to drive him wasn’t being kind to either of you.

😂

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/04/2024 07:51

DearAnt · 12/04/2024 00:14

That’s precisely what he wants to do?

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Yep; so she should call his bluff and let him…

HFJ · 12/04/2024 07:59

given their children became adults around 6 years ago, that means they’re all, say, at least 25. This puts the parents in their mid to late 50s. I’m wondering if the husband senses something is wrong about his driving ability or his general health/cognitive capacity, hence backing out of his commitment to honour what was a very reasonable request. Perhaps, like so many men, they don’t realise how painful and tiring recovery is from things like birth, hysterectomies, any kind of abdominal surgery.

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2024 08:10

Pheasantsmate · 11/04/2024 23:22

Mumsnet hates dogs. If you had asked about your freeloading husband honouring any other promise whilst you were recovering from surgery the answers here would be different

I love dogs

I would not agree to do all that driving so it could play with its 'friends'

Sparkletastic · 12/04/2024 08:17

It's weird that your dog can't just hang out at home.

Tandora · 12/04/2024 08:45

omg this thread!!! Mumsnet slates women who don’t work when their children are old enough to be at school all day. And imagine if on top they complained that they didn’t like driving while their DH recovered from surgery ? You’d all be slating her!!

YANBU OP.
your husband is clearly a selfish , lazy arse, who can’t even put himself out for a couple of hours for five days while you recover from surgery. 😢 can’t believe he’s happy to sit there and let you drive… does he care about you and the dog at all?!

NadiyahZ · 12/04/2024 08:46

TeaGinandFags · 11/04/2024 18:26

Op states that hubby agreed to take Fudge to daycare. Then changed his mind leaving her up a creek without a paddle.

Fudge shoukd still go to daycare but via taxi not with his mum.

OP should rethink here relationship. If she's keeping him in blover, thdn the least he could do is keep a promise.

Fudge does not need to go to daycare. Fudge is a dog, not a child. He has a human owner at home who is capable and is actively offering to walk him several times a day.
OP is not fudge’s mum, she’s a human and his owner.

It is utterly ridiculous to expect anyone, paid or unpaid to chauffeur a dog around for 2 hours a day- not including traffic.

ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 09:03

I think a lot of this hinges on whether he agreed to do the driving before the OP booked the dog into daycare or whether he said he'd do it after it was a done deal.

But he doesn't have to keep the dog out of the house for the amount of time the dog would have been away - he's not the OP's employee ! All he's obliged to do is to walk the dog sufficiently and keep it company.

Re sah, if OP is desperate to reduce her work time/ wants a less full on job but they need a certain level of income, then her dh should try to find work which enables her to do that. If she just thinks he ought to do any old job just 'because', then this is unfair imo because he's ruined his chance to build a meaningful career by looking after the dc and this suited the OP well enough at the time.
There was always the option years ago for both to work but in less travel intensive jobs - it was as much her responsibility as his, that they made a different choice. There are consequences to this decision and her now having a sah partner who doesn't have great earning power is one of them.

We don't actually know what he's doing all day. Might be very little or it might be taking care of everything so the OP has little to do outside of her job.

fieldsofbutterflies · 12/04/2024 09:07

Pheasantsmate · 11/04/2024 23:22

Mumsnet hates dogs. If you had asked about your freeloading husband honouring any other promise whilst you were recovering from surgery the answers here would be different

I love dogs - I have one and my entire livelihood is centred around them.

I still OP is very, very much in the wrong.

ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 09:07

It's also not very nice to ask someone who is stressed out by driving to do that for 2 hours every day for no better reason than taking a dog to play with its friends!
Not everyone is a confident driver - I get anxious and would rather walk miles to avoid it. I'll do it when I have to but wouldn't just because my dh thought the dog should go to daycare!

Rosscameasdoody · 12/04/2024 09:16

UndertheCedartree · 12/04/2024 06:44

PIP is not dependent on being out of work. And I thought contribution based ESA had a time limit - but maybe I'm wrong?

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I didn’t say PIP was dependent on being out of work, I said you can claim it if you are disabled - it’s not means tested and not affected by whether you are able to work or not. Contribution based ESA is limited to one year if you’re in the work related group, and there is no time limit if you’re in the support group - although announcements in the budget indicate that this is set to change soon.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/04/2024 09:23

UndertheCedartree · 12/04/2024 06:47

Laparoscopic surgery decreases recovery time. However it doesn't change that it is still major surgery.

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I’ve had major surgery for a bowel condition and there was a huge difference between that and a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. I suppose it depends on what you compare it to. Neither is pleasant, but my recovery advice was very different for the bowel surgery - three months, as opposed to a week or two for the laparascopic procedure. I suppose it’s a personal view.

Pheasantsmate · 12/04/2024 09:40

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2024 08:10

I love dogs

I would not agree to do all that driving so it could play with its 'friends'

Show quote history

But my point was that he had agreed and was now going back on that promise. The question isn’t would you have agreed in the first place.

To me, if you offer to do something for your partner, you then do it unless there is a very good reason not to.

sandyhappypeople · 12/04/2024 09:43

Why is everyone arguing about the rights of wrongs of having a breadwinner and a partner who doesn’t work?

surely it’s whatever works best for your family and what you both are happy with, nothing else matters… no one here knows the pros and cons of this setup so it’s a totally moot point to argue over their specific setup.

ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 09:45

I guess people are arguing over it because the OP brought it up - like it gives her more right to determine what her h should or shouldn't do with his time.

debbs77 · 12/04/2024 09:53

I had exactly the same surgery 3 weeks ago. The first two days I could barely move. After that I was gine and getting better by the day.

You've been a martyr over the dog. He offered to walk the dog etc multiple times a day. Unless he didn't end up doing that, then he was being perfectly reasonable to suggest it

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/04/2024 13:44

husband said ' He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, '

and the Op later said to us ' so our dog goes to daycare as a luxury - because he loves it - and I always drive him there and back when I'm well. I love the drive, he loves the play time - it all works. '

thus suggesting

  1. the dog is not usually at home all day during the Op's working day
  2. the Op takes the dog to doggycare most days if not every day
  3. the husband does not usually walk the dog
  4. the husband does not usually walk the dog several times
ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 13:47

But the h has said he will do those things while his wife is recovering. Now if he doesn't, then fair enough for OP to want the dog to go to daycare, but she hasn't actually given him the chance yet.

Haydenn · 12/04/2024 13:57

ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 13:47

But the h has said he will do those things while his wife is recovering. Now if he doesn't, then fair enough for OP to want the dog to go to daycare, but she hasn't actually given him the chance yet.

The husband also said he will take it to daycare, so I’m not sure how much I would believe him when he then says he will walk it!

TheDefiant · 12/04/2024 14:03

You mention being able to afford it. Book and pay for someone else to drive your dog to and from day care.

Problem solved.

Alicewinn · 12/04/2024 17:46

The commute to and from daycare is absolutely nuts. Either book the dog in for a full 5 days or just keep him at home. I wouldn't have done that either if I was your husband sorry.

mandlerparr · 12/04/2024 17:56

You said you have money. Just hire someone to take your dog to daycare. I get your hurt feelings, but you also know that this is a big fear for him. It is coming across as less him not caring about you and more you trying to get him to prove he cares. And I get it, especially if you have been carrying a big load and want to feel taken care of.
But, this is why you have money, right? Go on to whatever task rabbit app is in your area, hire someone to take the dog, and get your husband to bring you food and drinks and hugs and kisses.

Noodles1234 · 12/04/2024 18:13

if your husband will take the dog for a couple of walks a day and he is home to care for the dog (and children I presume as they were not really mentioned), just do that and save money and fuss.

However can I commend you for being a considerate pet owner and actually thinking of their welfare (and them not left whining all day), ahead of your own, in that way I have to say yanbu.

AnnieSnap · 12/04/2024 18:15

I voted you are being unreasonable on the basis that your husband would indeed be doing the 3 walks again and stopping the (well exercised) dog from jumping on you. Have you actually given him the chance to do that? It’s interesting that you added that he hasn’t worked for 15-years because he stays at home to raise the kids. Why is that relevant? I assume it was a choice you made together. Do you resent that? Are you implying he’s being lazy?