Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

[SallyMcCarthy]

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

The children weren’t mentioned as they are fully grown and so not impacting on the household in anyway

I agree. Just a heads-up though. Doggy Daycare is 30 minutes drive away. So there and back for the husband is 2 hours driving.

Dog is clearly above husband

So you put your dogs "feelings" above your husband's? Then try to guilt him into taking it to daycare by driving it yourself when you're not fit to? Good for him by saying no. I'm sure your dog loves being with other dogs but it'll be fine to go without for a couple weeks while you heal.

And your husband did work for those 15 years. He took care of the house and YOUR children. If you were male and said that about your wife? I'm surprised more people didn't tear into you for that irrelevant comment.

YABU. You didn't discuss this with husband before booking 'doggy daycare' - huh!
Now he's come up with an alternative you don't like it.
Husband's preferences come before the dog's.
Gallbladder removal by laparoscopy isn't major abdominal surgery either.
Sounds like you are trying to guilt trip your poor husband by driving immediately after this procedure.

I was back to normal 5 days after laproscopic gall bladder removal and gastric sleeve in same operation.

Sounds like the dog is more important than husbands wishes. 🧐😬

Y

Hope you feeling a bit better, I had this operation last year and it does take a lot out of you and the 2 week not driving can be a pain! Perhaps a compromise 2 days the dogs at home with hubby whilst you have a quiet room and then 2 days at petcare until you are well enough to drive the dog yourself but please remember take care of yourself

(I was in less pain after the same op than I was before I had it.)

I was about to say your husband is the unreasonable one until I realised it would be 2 hours in the car every single day. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to do that. The odd day sure but not every day.

If your husband gave up work 15 years ago to look after the children why isn’t he back at work now? You would all have been up the creek without a paddle if you had found ‘travelling all the time’ too stressful’ wouldn’t you? If your husband had a job the chances are that he would have to drive to it every day, so he’s getting off very lightly if all you are asking him to do is take the dog to daycare for FIVE days. Why are you even with such a useless lazy fucker? I’m completely astounded that so many women are defending him - what is the point of him? You definitely aren’t being unreasonable OP - if he doesn’t care enough about you to do this one small thing while you recover from your op you should LTB!

So your husband doesn’t work but you do, he won’t take the dog to daycare? Do you have kids? Does he drop them at nursery/school? What difference is it? Sorry call me old fashioned but if one partner doesn’t work because the other does then to me the one that doesn’t work should be doing all the house work / drop offs / running round / general running of the house etc. If my partner told me I could quit my job and he would provide for us both, id be happy to do everything else which involves the day to day running of our home life, he’s lazy

If the OP was the SAH parent, the majority of people on Mumsnet would say she shouldn't have to drive Fudge to doggie day care.

So long as DH keeps to his word and walks Fudge several times a day, OP can recover perfectly well. Fudge can survive without his friends for a week or so.

Your husband is unbelievably selfish, I'd tell him to get a job now, because I want to stay home now!

Exactly. This thread has turned into a perfect example of MN double standards

If the OP was the SAH parent, the majority of people on Mumsnet would say she shouldn't have to drive Fudge to doggie day care.

A few people have said this ‘if it was a woman’ thing. OP said the children became adults six years ago. If I had a friend who claimed to be a SAHM to a 24 year old I’d be saying wtf are you doing?? Also OP says he agreed to do it, he then backtracked.

I'm with you OP.

I'm sure you don't think you own your DH or his time just because you're the sole earner, as others seem to think.

However, doing you that one favour wouldn't harm him. And I'd say this if it was the other way around.

And it's not as if it's 2 hours straight...it's either 4 lots of 30 mins or 2 lots of 1 hour, whichever way you decide to look at it. Which is nothing in the grand scheme! And for 4 or 5 days!

YABU

Who is going to look after the dog while the DH goes to work in a low-paid job all week?

What two intelligent people can't find a solution?
Your husband doesn't want to drive for 2hrs every day, while you recover, and because he's a nervous driver. So that option does not work.
So send your dog away to doggy daycare for a week. You know, like you do when you're on holiday.
Dog will have a nice time.
You can work.
Husband can carry on as normal.
Why was that so hard??????

If the OP was the SAH parent, the majority of people on Mumsnet would say she shouldn't have to drive Fudge to doggie day care.

I doubt it, there’s another thread now where the OP, a SAHM, is being reprimanded for not wanting to do the all the childcare, all the housework and get a full time minimum wage job now her husband is done using her as a birthing machine and nanny for their children whilst he climbed up the legal career ladder.

This. With bells on!

How many SAHMs do you know who haven’t worked for 15 years? Most women are not only working but are also burdened with the lion’s share of childcare and household drudgery too and none of them would get away with finding any of it’too stressful’ either!

I think he needs to be looking for a job.