WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

[Mastmw7g]

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

The dynamics here are all very strange to me.

It sounds to me as if DD hasn't realised we change our homes as we, our lives and circumstances change - as if she feels she's got to get it right, and then that's it. At 20, it's not at all unusual to have temporary stuff - new, old or borrowed - and experiment with making things look nice until we've figured out what we want and how we like to do things.

You don't sign a lifetime commitment to your furnishings 😂

she sounds like she might be overwhelmed- no time to look at or decide what she wants as busy looking after partner. Maybe back off and (especially if has a garden) buy some folding chairs and table. Can use temporarily in house. I bought some camping chairs while we waited for sofa to be delivered. Sit in them in garden now

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your children is work on your own mental health. Be healthy for them so that you are there for them to come to for help when they need help (not when you have decided they do).

Are you in therapy OP? With kindness, I think if you can afford it, a course of therapy to explore the origins of these unhealthy family dynamics and your own anxiety could be useful for you.

You have a lot of time to spend on MN worrying about your daughter, who sounds mostly fine. That's not healthy.

Do you have good friends and hobbies in real life? Spend some time working on yourself.

@Flowerpotcat Yes, I'm in therapy. I sought therapy when she moved out. She wants therapy for herself, but hasn't started. I have friends but would never talk to them about things like this. My worrying about the table and chairs was probably because I had to insist on buying them while my husband didn't agree, as well as feeling like she needed a present by her birthday and proper seating before her grandparents came to visit. Instead I need to wait her her timeline. She doesn't need to decide by her birthday or before having elderly guests.

She has moved out. She has her own place. I would buy a couple of camping chairs to ensure I can sit down whilst eating and leave her to it. If you feel you want to contribute to furniture wait until she asks you. She's a grown up now.

@neilyoungismyhero She did ask, for her birthday. But she hasn't decided. I felt urgency that it needed to be decided by her birthday, but my offer doesn't have to expire by a date.

I do think she is very much hoping the boyfriend will move in with her, considering their fun in IKEA, she wants to choose furniture with him...

I also think when her Dad arrives with her other grandparents, and everyone realises there is no furniture that they will all go out - for dinner etc.

I am concerned tho with your husband's control over what you can / should / will buy your daughter for her birthday - is it has money ?

When I moved into my first place I couldn’t afford to buy all the furniture at once, I had a sofa, a coffee table and a bed. I was in my 20s and my priorities were working, going to the gym and the pub. Not furniture shopping. My parents bought me a chest of drawers and converted a built in cupboard to a wardrobe for my birthday, without asking me what I wanted. They also bought me a hoover. I still have the chest of drawers 18 years later and Hetty the hoover is still going strong. I really appreciated it at the time and it made my place feel really homely, to the point I actually enjoyed spending time in my home and prioritised buying more furniture myself.

She may be hoping her boyfriend moves in, but his parents don't charge him anything to live there and he's saving for a car so I think that would be a long wait.

Her dad and grandparents are staying for four days. They have a hotel, but her grandparents are in their 80s and her grandfather has some mobility issues. So I was concerned they would have no place to sit and visit, but I'm sure they'll figure it out.

Where her visitors sit is not your problem / concern/ responsibility, her father can sort it ! she can visit them at their hotel.

I said I identified it as one of the three root causes for my worry, but I was sure she would figure it out. And I can't see her visiting them at the hotel. But she could surprise me.

you are over thinking this.

remove the father scenario from the furniture issue
remove the grandparents scenario from the furniture issue

none of that is relevant, nor your problem / issue

step back now

you asked if she would like furniture for her birthday, she agreed
maybe she agreed because it was suggested ?

maybe she ' liked the idea ' of a table and chairs because it was suggested ?
and you suggested it because you can make use of them during your weekly visit when you bring along a take away.

so step back,

when she is ready she will make a decision

maybe one day she will spot a table and chairs she likes.

maybe she would prefer a wardrobe ?

maybe she would prefer a sum of money, and in her own time she can choose and buy any furniture she wants, that's if she decides it is still furniture she wants for her birthday.

maybe she would prefer a sum of money and she might go away for a weekend with her boyfriend.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I said six days ago I would wait on her timeline and let it go. I said I wouldn't talk to her about it anymore and I haven't.

Before asking her if she'd like furniture for her birthday she said she wanted "house stuff."

She's satisfied with her clothing storage, so I wouldn't suggest a wardrobe.

Her boyfriend would like her to get a real mattress, but she hasn't chosen one since her Nan offered to buy a bed and mattress three months ago. She just hasn't seen any she likes.

She told me in December that she thinks money as a gift is depressing. This is probably because she has money. She can already buy furniture with that money or go away with her boyfriend.

I said instead I'd get her flowers for her birthday. I already bought a vase for the flowers.