WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

[Mastmw7g]

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

I've obviously not thought it was my job. I 've regularly visited for three months without attempting to kit it out.

I asked her if she wanted furniture for her birthday. She said yes, and I believe her. I asked because she asked for things she could use to decorate her home. She would have been happy with a candle. I offered furniture, and she specifically said that'd be lovely. She's just not ready to commit to actual pieces yet. That doesn't mean she never will be.

I agree, but that's her relationship to navigate as an adult.

Why is it soooo hard!

Not everyone wants to commit to furniture without knowing they will be happy with it.

It’s a table and chairs, it’s not that big a commitment.

Im not sure pussy footing round her is helpful to her anxiety. Everything takes on unnecessary significance

She has to look at it every day. When she no longer lives there she will have to bring it with her or do the work of selling it, which may feel daunting because she often feels time-poor and she feels anxious when doing unfamiliar activities. She may worry that she'll regret the choice and waste her gift.

And it doesn't matter the reasons. It's her home and she isn't hurting anyone with how she uses the space. Her boyfriend still chooses to be there all the time. I've started buying enough food for all three of us when I come to visit, because I'm so used to him being there. Who knows? Maybe she thinks he'll move out of his parents' and in with her and that they'll choose furniture they both like.

It's not pussy footing to let her choose what furniture she wants in the home she lives in and I do not live in.

Projecting much? Anxiety is preventing this girl from making decisions. It’s not unheard of.

I know you mean well, but please don’t do this. My own mother does this to me and I hate it. Your timeframes are different from
hers. With my mother, it’s that I have a very busy life but she doesn’t, so she struggles to understand why everything can’t happen really quickly.

With my adult children I keep an eye on Facebook marketplace and if I see a bargain I think fits the bill I tag them. If they’re positive about the item I will then suggest they make an offer and we collect it in my husband’s pickup. You can obviously offer to pay too if it’s what you want to do.
They can then re-sell when they’re in a better financial position or want a change.

Ah I saw the but about anxiety and struggling to make decisions. You're a good mum and very kind. What about choosing two and sending a pic to see if either would suit her? I have anxiety and find making decisions awful. I didn't have a calendar/diary for all of last year as I couldn't find the right one 🙈🙄.
Having a choice between two would make it easier! You could always say I'm thinking of buying you either of these what do you think?
Good luck! Xxx

This all sounds very odd indeed. I can only imagine there are some very strange family dynamics going on here and/or your daughter has had a very strange upbringing. She is an adult and you are all treating her like an over protected small child, no wonder she seems immature and can't manage to even decide on some furniture let alone the rest of it.

I think the best thijg to do is to say, look I have x budget to help ypu put towards furbiture when you are ready to buy some as I would like to help out, let me know when you are ready. And you can also see if there are any free basic table and two chairs on facebook market place if you spot something let her know. My mum still does this if she spots a bargain she lets me know and thats helpful. But filling people houses with furniture they havent asked for is not a good idea. My nan actually got me some little folding tables for my first flat, she did ask first though

Your husband doesn’t sound very nice. Why wouldn’t he want to help his daughter.

Why does he dictate?

I'm assuming the rule applies to him too?

What on earth is the matter with your husband.

I think the word 'controlling' is very over-used on here but surely this is the case?

Why does he think he can over-ride her plans like that?

That's her dad, not my husband. My husband raised her. Her dad has only seen her three or four times in the last ten years, all since she became an adult. Her grandparents are good people, though, and she knows traveling isn't easy for them. So she cancelled her plans for them. I only shared this because she was accused of not thinking of others above herself. I disagree.

I would say, "Since you aren't sure what you want and you are busy, do you mind if I just pick it out?" I wouldn't do it without asking.

My granny gave me a folding table and chairs when I got my first apartment and they have been so useful! It's a great idea.

I think your husband is quite cruel and controlling. Does he have any children of his own?

She also has money of her own but has not gotten furniture.
there's the answer, stop being overbearing.

I think buying the table and chairs sounds like a really nice gesture. Can only speak for myself but I'd have appreciated that from my mum when I was younger. Obviously only if you can afford it etc.

Having said that, I do agree with @LilySLE that parent and child timeframes can be different, so be careful about rushing into things she might just want to come to her own decision about.

I can spunk a lot of money on absolutle rubbish but when it comes to furniture shopping I get do much anxiety. I can't explain why I feel like that but I just want to block it our and not even discuss it. It makes my brain spin.