WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

[Mastmw7g]

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

Ah yes OK she won't want to make "the wrong choice " I think its OK to help her out even if you only give her a couple of options you could maybe go down the, it will do for now route.

See I wouldn't send a photo, you are just putting more demands on her even if it's a small one to make a decision. Leave her be, she sounds like she's stressed enough. Just get some temporary camping stuff for now so she has something and you have somewhere to sit when you visit.

What's up with your husband? Why doesn't he want you to give her a gift?

How much of her life are you controlling? Is this true?

Right well I think you need to leave them alone they sound a bit silly and immature does ikea do vouchers give her some for her birthday and let them get on with it.

I know my replies changed within 2 posts but it sounds exhausting I couldn't be bothered with 2 adults giggling in ikea about a table !

Buy her the items (I missed if they were second hand) @Mastmw7g she can think of it as a ‘make do for now’ stage. That what I and friends have done before when starting afresh . Anything is better than nothing on the whole.

once she establishes a style she can sell or gift it on if she wishes.

Your husband sounds like a right charmer.

If OP has put in as many rules and restraints as has been suggested and controls so much of her life, no wonder she the girl is immature.

I remember your other posts about her — that you and your DH had to get her a job, and when she wasn’t happy in it, you had to get all applications materials, CV out on the kitchen table and go through recruitment websites with her etc, and even then she wouldn’t engage, and that you encouraged her to leave home because she was making life ‘awful’ for her younger siblings.

She sounds incredibly frustrating, indecisive, lazy (and yes, anxious, but making her anxiety other people’s problem), so I suppose I’d prioritise the big picture of your relationship and her life over furniture.

On the other hand, I can’t imagine standing in a kitchen to eat takeaway on a regular basis. Maybe bring a folding chair? When she’s not standing up eating in her kitchen, how does she function with no furniture?

She really doesn't need furniture. No one is going to die from sitting on the floor.

I would pretend to be grateful but actually be absolutely livid if my parents bought such a big item rather than let me choose my own. Why the urgency? I mean, it's lovely and generous, but what is wrong with her being the one in control of her own furniture?

No, don't push it. If she's not taking you up on the offer then its a no.

Don't buy it without her say so. She is an adult afterall and this ia bit overstepping. Keep your offer open. When she is ready, she will know you are there for her.

This is the first post I've read from the op i just replied with the info I had.

She didn't leave university. I did help get her a job after giving her seven months to apply for a job on her own. I'm not supporting her financially. I don't give her much input into her life at all. I do fret about what to say when she sends messages "I want a different job" and "I need a new job now" but I just say sorry and that it sounds like a hard situation.

People learn to adult by adulting - if she wants furniture she’ll get it - she maybe needs to arrive at that decision herself - just take a camping chair when you visit

Are you the poster with the daughter who has moved in and out of your house as it wasn’t working and was supporting herself by selling photos of herself online?

I think you should leave her to sort her own furniture out.

What rules and restraints have I put in?

I agree. Leave her to sort herself out. I lived in a barely furnished flat for a couple of years in my 20s and I would have hated my mother to buy stuff I didn't want.

If she really is anxious and paralysed by indecision then yes I would get her the tables and chairs. As long as you’re not going to get huffy if she decides she doesn’t like them and wants to sell them / get rid of them.

She did OnlyFans either the past summer or fall. She made a lot of money for one month, but then hardly anything after that. She hasn't mentioned it in months, but I don't ask about it.

When I left home I found my parents insistence that I do things to their timescale and in the way they thought was best very stifling. (I still do!). I just wanted to be left alone to explore life in my own way. There's nothing really wrong with not having any furniture - young folks don't get so many aches and pains sitting on the floor - and she might just enjoy the feeling of being unencumbered by stuff for a while. She'll get round to it eventually and in the mean time, as others have said, take a camping chair when you visit.

You sound like a lovely mum. I would ask one more time but then give her some space to work it out herself.

OP, why not give her the money, then she can buy her own furniture when she is ready?

My husband wouldn't agree to giving her money He's actually been exhausting. He said birthdays as an adult means you get a card and nothing else. No money, no gifts.

I wouldn't buy her furniture until she makes a decision. Whilst your heart's in the right place it can be a PITA to try to get rid of furniture you don't like especially when your mental health isn't the best.

When we moved into our house 10 years ago MIL gifted us a few bits of furniture she no longer wanted. I didn't really want it as I wanted to live a while with minimal furniture and see what would work well with the space I had before committing to buying stuff. DH tends to just see something going for free and take it and isn't bothered by clutter. I ended up living with an ugly sideboard for 10 years as it was too big to fit in the car to take to charity/ the skip. I had a lot of time wasters when I got my shit together enough to put it on freecyle/gumtree. Finally got rid of it at the start of this year on the dozenth time of advertising it for free on Gumtree!