WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

[Mastmw7g]

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

You could ask her permission, if it's free stuff she may be less picky as she knows it's not permanent. .

The thing is though, we don't all work like that. I'm stuck with stuff I bought because it was all we could afford but it now feels wasteful to get rid of. And yes, I have stuff my mum "kindly" gave me that I'm also stuck with. If she is quite an anxious person then she might be worried about having furniture that she doesn't like forever

Do you earn money@Mastmw7g ?
If so why is your dh’s word law?

My dh often says I’m too soft with our dc and dgc but he’d never stop me buying stuff for them as long as we can afford it!

This has been a good perspective. I'll let the deals go to someone else and wait for her timeline.

I came on to say just this. This way you have somewhere to sit and place food on to eat. Also takes the urgency out of buying from Facebook or wherever as you can order online or buy it yourself and put in your car (if you have one) and bring it in your next visit. 🌹

Get her a bunch of essential items for a cheap price from Facebook marketplace. If in time she wants a new table she can resell it, or put it outside her house. It'll eventually get taken.

For example, I got four chairs for free, and a table for £20 from FB marketplace. When I'm done with them, I'm just going to put them outside with a 'FREE' sign on them.

After reading the replies to this post I've decided to stop talking to her about furniture. The offer has been made. If she wants to wait until she has a better idea of what she likes I should respect that.

Op i would buy the furniture. It’s reasonable price and a table and chairs are essential to your visits because it’s not unreasonable to want to sit down on a chair while eating. I would not be lugging a camp chair/folding chair/ table. I also would not buy those because to me those are more of a burden to move on in the future. She cannot make “decorating” decisions? Take the pressure off by saying….just temporary dd. You know her you probably have an idea what she would like and maybe she doesn’t care much about the style. She can’t decide now so bridge her until she can decide

Now your DH is a different issue. If you work and earn then do as you want. If you don’t work it’s still marital money so do as you want 😉

I would have said give her money but I see you’re not willing to go against your husband’s wishes with that. Why is he against giving money to his child ? I would ignore him to be honest and just give her the money. It’s your money too, not his to solely decide what she gets. I have more issue with your husband here than your indecisive daughter

Word of warning, my DH has been umm-ing and ahh-ing over which dinner plates to buy since September 2019. We are still using an array of temporary plates.

It has been 1,662 days since I said that I wanted to buy a nice set of dinner plates.

She's told you pretty clearly that she doesn't want you to buy her furniture, back of and leave her to choose herself in her own time, that's half the fun of your first home. I often give my adult children money for birthdays, we talk about what they want, if it's a specific item then I get it but sometimes maybe my daughter will want make up or my son a tool. Then they get cash to choose themselves

Don't do it. Lovely for you to pay. Wait for her to be the driving force in the purchase.

I'd just leave it tbh as she doesn't seem bothered. And maybe take my own folding chair when I visit.

Well I would just leave ball in her court or get her vouchers. But I will say, my husband would be told to go to hell if he told me what I could spend on my children for their birthdays. How controlling of him.

This suggests she knew you would still want to buy what you want rather than what she wants. She would rather go without and get what she wants later.

Just give her the money or ask her to send a link of what she wants so you can then buy her actual choice.

Part of the fun of your own first place with no furniture is going without and "camping" and then making your own choices.

My vote for dont buy it... my style is very differnt from my parents

My first flat I had to furnish.. I borrowed a camping table and 2 chairs from for 8 months before I found a table I (still) love, I had an air mattress infront of the tv but rushed into buying a sofa (after 3 months) and still have it 15 years later (but don't really like it)... now in a bigger house and I took 1,1/2 years to decide on a second sofa (we had the first and a big gap)

The original sofa still there but second/guest sofa, as nothing wrong with it so feels a wate to throw away

Just go and buy some. Not every single decision has to be a joint one.

i woulnt visit someone who wont even buy a chair for me to sit on

Homes need furniture. When I didn't know what style I wanted, I bought the cheapest functional and reasonably durable-seeming stuff I could conveniently get hold of, whether that was second hand or flat-pack. TBH, some of that stuff is in the spare room now, twenty years on....

Alternative idea (from someone who also struggles with making decisions with buying furniture): buy her an Ikea interior design plan from Fiverr. Just search for people providing that service, she will have to provide room dimensions/floorplan with measurements, and someone will design her rooms with Ikea furniture so she knows what her room layouts, styles of furniture, colours etc will be. Then she can shop for the exact (or similar style) items as and when she is ready and has a feel for how she wants her home to look. It's the best budget interior design idea I've personally come across!

If she’s happy to have no furniture then that’s her decision and she can sort it out when she wants to.

However I personally wouldn’t be happy to stand up in the kitchen to eat so would buy something second hand like a basic small folding table and two chairs. Surely she’d prefer that than standing or sitting on the floor? If she doesn’t like it she can fold it away or put it out on the street.
Other than that I wouldn’t force furniture on her if she hasn’t picked anything out

No, it doesn't. It suggests she's telling the truth when she says she doesn't know what's her style yet.

I've asked her for links.

Her grandmother has been asking her for links for three months.

She's simply not ready.

Then her daughter can spend 2000 days without furniture if that is what ends up happening.

Sounds like she has very good reason to not allow you to buy her anything, usually when people stall and put off like that it’s because they know the amount of strings that come attached to it. I won’t let a certain family member help me in any way, shape or form because I know what the cost really is.

This is truly pathetic. Temporary plates for five years, because he can’t make up his mind. How can you live like that.