WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

[Mastmw7g]

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

She didn't say that to them. We'd already given her a car, but it was our old car, so she said it to us when telling us we could have our car back.

Well, OP has written about her and her dd’s situation before so it really isn’t up to you to decide what is relevant or not.

Your husband sounds particularly peculiar and stingy. Couldn't be doing with that. Take no notice of him.

All this second guessing everything is really very strange. Just buy a table and chairs and the basic items - how hard can it be? For cheaper stuff, look online eg.. Wayfair or something like that.

This thread reminds me of the Mr Men books - Mr Mean who had no furniture and sat on an orange crate or on the floor.

There is no need for any of this.

She has struggled with anxiety in the past so I think it's best I stop talking about furniture.

Sorry op, I don’t mean to be rude, but this doesn’t sound at all normal and I wonder if something else is going on?

I could understand her wanting to take time to pick out furniture if you were offering to kit her out with £10,000, but getting second hand off FB etc…in that case, the choice is already limited, so I don’t quite understand her reluctance.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with second hand by the way, I think it’s a very positive and sensible thing to do. But it doesn’t bring with it the thrill of shopping let’s say.

I wonder if she’s embarrassed to let you buy things for her? I wonder if she wishes you’d just give her the money to put towards what she likes and let her choose? It’s sounding a bit like a team sport at the moment, when that’s not really necessary.

Do you trust her to just give her the money? Forget dad. If my husband told me not to give my son money, I’d tell him where to go. I’ll do what I like thank you very much. But my husband wouldn’t do that anyway.

I’m 44 and my mum and dad always give me £150 and a few little gifts. So adults certainly can enjoy presents too. I like to buy for them in return as well.

She’s sleeping on a futon without a proper mattress and has nowhere to sit. The poor thing sounds like she’s squatting. I personally would say ‘DD, you can’t not have a bed/table/chair/whatever. I’m going to give you £xxx and I’d really like you to buy something with it.’

It all sounds quite sad.

No, she's not embarrassed to have me buy it for her. She says she doesn't know her style yet. I have no reason to think she's lying to me. I should believe her.

She told me as recently as Christmas that she finds money to be a depressing gift and would rather have gifts she can open. Her dad gave her a picture of the two of them and she said it was the best present she'd ever received.

I took her boyfriend and her to ikea. She didn't see anything she wanted.

Her Nan has been pestering her for three months to pick out a bed and a mattress. She hasn't found any she likes.

She already has money. She's chosen not to spend it on furniture she's unsure of. Giving her more money isn't going to make that better.

I'm just going to give her flowers and a vase and say kind things, spend time with her. Talking to her about furniture is probably making her anxious so I'm not going to do that anymore.

Get her something green or whatever nice colour, jolly and cheap. Tell her you haven't spent a lot so when she's ready to replace it she can do so and sell this stuff or give it away.

You have offered help and she hasn't taken the offer up, she is an adult so let her get on with it. You can't make her have furniture.

@ProncessDiana 🤣🤣🤣🤣

If you could sell it for what you paid for it would it seem less wasteful? I am suggesting Freecycle furniture in the interim, no money wasted and once she's done she can pass it on to the next people.

You should put your foot down with your mum. My mum tries the same with me, tell her you don't want whatever it is.

Your husband sounds pretty disgusting as father.

There’s a lot under the surface here. The daughter sounds overly precious. The. Mother sounds overly concerned. There’s a lot of tip toeing around ‘negative’ interactions instead of dealing with them. Not mentioning that the father is frustrated with the daughter, because it will make her sad. Not mentioning that it’s mental not to have tables and chairs for elderly people sit on if they are invited round, because it’s sad they are getting older. Why on earth does it matter if the daughter is sad? She needs to be taught that there’s a certain level of looking after people expected as a grown up. She makes her mother stand up and eat every single week.

This. Is not. Normal.

I don’t think the OP ever claimed it was ‘normal’, though. If you read her other threads about her daughter, you’d understand more of the context.

If she had already told you she wasn't sure what her style was yet then why are you so insistent on forcing what you want to buy on her then or forcing her to make a choice when she has told you she isn't ready?

Sounds like you aren't really interested in what she wants at all and looking to control her choices and purchases.

Tell her the money is ready and waiting when she is ready. And then mean it.

Maybe that's why she doesn't want any

She told me Tuesday that she wasn't sure what her style was yet. After I took her and her boyfriend shopping at Ikea.

I wasn't insistent. I asked if she wanted furniture. She said yes, and I believe her that she wants it. She's just not ready to commit to actual pieces. The offer has been made. It's not being taken away. I'm not going to talk to her about furniture anymore.

If you aren't insistent why have you started a MN thread asking whether you would be unreasonable to pick some furniture out yourself then?
.Of course you are being unreasonable and also insistent she has some NOW because you think she should have some NOW.

Fortunately the advice people are giving has made you realise you shouldn't but you seem to be in denial about your own part in this.

Step back. She is an adult and can choose how she wants to live.

Yesterday, at 12:18 I wrote "After reading the replies to this post I've decided to stop talking to her about furniture. The offer has been made. If she wants to wait until she has a better idea of what she likes I should respect that."

Making a thread on MN does not make me insist on anything. My actual actions matter. Not deliberations I never discuss with her.

She never invited her grandparents round. She had plans for her birthday. Her dad said he wanted to spend it with her. She said no, she had plans already. Then he spoke to her and said he was traveling to her for her birthday and bringing his parents. So she cancelled her plans for her grandparents. I think her level of looking after people exceeds what I expected.

And she does not make me stand up to eat. I want to come and see her.

1. It's not your house. It's her job to kit it out, not yours.

2. If she can't even be bothered to confirm whether or not she wants the gift of the furniture, she obviously doesn't want it much, and certainly doesn't deserve it.

I think it’s lovely that you are wanting to help your daughter! We helped our son too because by the time he had paid his house insurance, legal fees etc, he had nothing left. How about buying a cheap second hand table and chairs from one of the local buying sites? Even if as only a stop gap until your daughter is more settled and knows the type of style she is wanting. She can always re sell it when she decides.

She had plans for her birthday. Her dad said he wanted to spend it with her. She said no, she had plans already. Then he spoke to her and said he was traveling to her for her birthday and bringing his parents. So she cancelled her plans for her grandparents.

He shouldn't be asking a grown-up and independent child to cancel birthday plans; he should work around them. Weird and controlling.

You all sound odd.