WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

[Mastmw7g]

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

No, there are no strings. She says she doesn't know her style yet. She's not a liar. I should believe her.

She has one grandmother who has been asking to buy her furniture for three months and she hasn't been ready. I should believe her.

She has another set of grandparents who gave her a car and not a cheap one. They took her out to dinner and told her "Surprise! We're giving you a car!" She said it was a terrible thing to do to someone with anxiety. I should believe her.

I'm not going to talk to her about furniture anymore. I'll just visit her on her birthday and bring her flowers and a vase so she has something to put the flowers in, and tell her how glad I am that she was born.

She doesn't know her style yet?!

Well, at this point, any furniture is better than none.

Even if it's only cheaper temporary furniture. She can always sell it on or give it to someone else once she's bought her own stuff further down the line.

And how can she not want a sofa?

Floor cushions are fine, if that's your thing, but they're not comfortable for visitors - and sitting on the floor isn't good for long periods of time, say when watching a film or something.

Doesn’t sound like she is mature enough to even live on her own tbh. Let her sit on the floor then. Extremely weird.

My 21-year old dd moved out a year ago, and already had ideas how she wanted her flat. No way in hell would she sit on the floor or go to Ikea and giggle at tables. She sorted out a bed first thing and had it delivered the day she moved in.

Unless you go to a nursery, then floor cushions are fine. 😅

I do have concerns about her paternal grandparents visiting for her birthday. This will be the first time they've visited and they are in their 80s. They also buy her very expensive things she didn't ask for, so when they see there is nowhere for them to sit they may surprise her with furniture.

Sounds like they will be needing to take their own picnic chairs when they visit.....

Your DH sounds miserable. You don't need his permission to buy your DD a gift. Just get it and tell her you'll sell it on if she doesn't like it.

If she has anxiety and knows your husband is reluctant for you to give money it makes sense she struggles with making a decision. As someone who is similar I'd recommend giving her a budget you'd be willing to spend and ask her to pick something within that or if it's over that you will contribute to. This might ease some of her worries over asking for too much or not wanting to be a burden.

OP I also am mother to an adult daughter with anxiety. I agree with you to leave the furniture purchase alone. When she is ready she will talk to you about it.

I wouldn't be letting my DH tell me I couldn't spend my money on my child. Unless it would leave you short which doesn't sound the case.
Does he just get a card for his birthday? Selfish sod no wonder dd suffers from anxiety.

She doesn't know, and would never dream that he had an issue with it. She prefers him to me, if I'm being honest. If I told her what he said she would be angry with me for telling her and not angry with him for saying it.

I gave her a budget but she hasn't had time to look at furniture except when I visit her or take her shopping. She also has money of her own but has not gotten furniture. The replies on this post have made me understand that I should believe her when she says she doesn't know her style yet. She's not ready to get furniture and I should not interfere with that.

It's not like we're eating out of pans and off paper plates 😆We have everything we need, it's just an eclectic collection of various bowls and plates that I've bought over the past 20 years so nothing matches. They're all my plates and bowls, so I don't really mind. He's the one that wants the nice matching set, but can't decide on which ones.

She isn’t going to ask her elderly grandparents to sit on the floor is she??

You say her BF is unwell. Is she imagining a situation where she might have to take care of him at his place, making the new furniture pointless. Perhaps she is hoping they will set up home together?

It's only been for the past month he's been dealing with glandular fever, and he felt well enough to go shopping with us two days ago. So it's not an ongoing issue. I keep waiting for her to have the same symptoms, but she hasn't yet.

He lives with his parents and spends a lot of time at her place. I mentioned while we were all together that Nan really wants to her to choose a bed and mattress, that she's worried about my daughter's back. He seemed enthusiastic about the idea of her getting a real mattress to sleep on.

No, I told her they wouldn't be able to get back up. She said I was making her sad. She doesn't like thinking about them getting older.

I'm sorry if I've missed something as to why you can't communicate with her but why can't you say to her loud and clear,

'Last chance for me to buy you a table and chairs because I've repeatedly asked you what you want and you are non committal which is extremely rude of you! If you would prefer another item such as a new bed, ghats fine but can you NAME the exact one you want as I'm not h go king to carry on chasing you about it!'

@Redherringgull I like mismatched dining sets. I was emptying the dishwasher at my parents and it did make me smile, there was a plate from a set we had growing up, a plate from my grandparents who have been dead a decade, a plate from my uni set etc none of them posh or expensive but the casual family history of them was nice.

I'm just not going to talk to her about it anymore. I should have paid attention. It's been three months where she's had the grandparent offer for a bed and mattress. She says she doesn't know her style. I should believe her and trust she's not ready to pick furniture.

That’s your daughter and not at all relevant to the OP’s situation or daughter.
you’re very rude.

Your husband sounds ... nice ... 😬

Ok sounds like you don’t mind, then it’s a different matter I guess. 😅 I quite like mismatched sets too.

I haven't read your previous threads, OP, but does your daughter have special needs or a history of depression? It must be incredibly depressing living in a flat with only a futon in it.

Your husband doesn't sound very nice. Hasn't he ever had a birthday present as an adult?

Tp the people saying "I woild buy it".
You might, but trust me, if someone did that to you, you would be posting here about overbearing parents. And your kids would be posting about you.

Boundaries are important for adults. Breaking them down for them does no good. You then end up with boundarless women who tolerate crap behaviour from men, because they were not allowed bpundaries with anyone, and... End up here asking for advice on what to do about his shite behaviour🤷