ExH child bride

[SorryNotSorryL]

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate.
he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty.

anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend.

DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc.

it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend.

I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc

perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child)

what do you think???

being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it.

not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

It's not "interesting" - it is very pertinent.

Why are you letting him treat your DD like this?

Why are you letting him treat YOU like this?

Why do you allow your DD see him treating other women like this?

You do realise that you are setting her up to be abused in the future by her partners, don't you? Because this is what she will think relationships should be.

letting him?
perhaps you could give some advice on how I can control who he introduces to his child?
some tips on how I could change his decision to see her every now and again when he feels like it?

Agree it's controlling, but accusing OP of 'facilitating' it sounds like victim blaming

Agree 15 years is a lot actually. Always seems to be the man is older. Any age that you could be their parent is too much. I think it even if I see a 60 with an 80.

I think you're very unreasonable for dramatically using the term child bride for this situation.

Forced marriage of children is genuinely happening around the world you know.

You engage a solicitor and go back to the courts and lay out the whole sorry history of him not engaging with DD, of letting her down, of 'escalating' with you, of controlling your travel abroad, of not paying child support, and ofc his prolific creation of unknown half-siblings! The courts will then alter the contact arrangements. DD is now old enough to have a say, so I'd make sure that she knows the grim realities of her father's 'care' before she is consulted.

When your DD is in sixth form there is a good chance the girlfriends will be the same age as her. By then she will have wised up, and made her own mind about her dad. (Probably negative.)

As long as she is safe, and it looks as if this gf is trying hard and is not a bad person, I would stay well out of it. There is a lot to be said for allowing children to develop their own opinions. Indeed would be difficult to impose your opinion on them.

What an aggressive accusatory post about someone you don't know.

You may interpret it as that, but what I have posted is true.

OP's. DD is learning that women can be treated appallingly and just have to accept it.

She may - and I hope she does - decide one day that no-one is going to treat her like shit (though this may lead to her developing a poor opinion of her mother), but the likelihood is that she will follow the same pattern.

The truth is often painful to hear, but it isn't any less true.

'Thanks to all the replies- obviously my title went down like a lead balloon. It was meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. Yes obviously there are real child brides and that’s not funny- but if sh was an actual child and marrying him I don’t think I’d post about it on mumsnet. Perhaps I need to be much more literal and not try to engage in the funny/bizarre side of things….I did forget how sensitive MN can be - apologies for any offence, but also breathe a little.'

This response to the objections raised to your thread title really isn't good enough OP. Child forced marriage is a major part of the huge global problem of child exploitation, and you should not have associated the situation of your ex & gf - who is an adult - with this. It is not a situation to be 'a bit tongue in cheek' about and it is not 'funny/bizarre', it is a tragedy.

So it is not being oversensitive to object to it as I also do. I agree you really need to get this title changed.

I also can't believe MN thinks It's OK, which they must since I and others have reported the title, and it is unchanged.

Tongue in cheek? Wtf.

Well the last time I did that he got 50% custody.

Do,you really not see a difference between a larger age gap when the youngest is still in their teens?

Huge difference between 30 and 50y meeting and getting together than a 19y and 39y.

And even bigger issue when there is such a small age gap between the older person's child and their new partner.

There is just 7y between the age of the child and his new girlfriend.
It feels wrong entirely for that to be the case.

Op I was that 19yo at one time.

My (shocking now ex) husband was 34 and I was 19, he had teenage sons.

He took me to introduce me to his ex and sons, and his ex was vile to me, I genuinely didn't get why at the time.

I was so over enthusiastic with his sons because I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

I can honestly say my heart was in the right place, and I just wanted to make a good impression and make his sons happy, whether that meant fancy days out or gifts I basically threw money at the situation because I didn't have experience.

So we can see a pattern of repeated behaviour that is very worrying - ex seems to deliberately go for younger women, every time the OP discusses CM he threatens to kick off (which is financial abuse) and likes to introduce a string of women to his DD.
Yet everyone is getting their knickers in a twist over the OPs thread title.
All the posters saying "why are you letting him get away with this?" What exactly do you expect her to do? Aren't there many women also chiming in with "what dad does in his time has nothing to do with you!" on other threads?

Hilarious that previous posters are getting their pants in a twist about the title. It is quite clearly a sarcastic joke. OP knows she is not an actual child bride. Eye roll. Anyway, You have accepted other girlfriends knowing that it wont last etc etc, so the only reason you are more worried is the age, which seems unfair. Yes its icky but there is nothing you can do, no more than you could have with any other girlfriends. The most you could do is chat to you ex about doing what he can to not have DD too attached to early but TBH he sounds like he is unlikely to listen. Probably best you just stay out of it and be there to pick up the pieces and provide the role modelling. It sucks, but in time your DD will see him for who he is.

Really disappointing that on MN of all places, women are being accused of 'getting their knickers in a twist' ( a typically sexist comment btw) because they point out the inappropriateness of the reference to child rape in the thread title. As a 'joke'.

I thought it just seemed tongue in cheek to me. Like how there's a book about Priscilla Presley who married at 21 called Child Bride. I never assumed she meant an actual crime of marrying a child, which wouldn't happen in Britain.

Exactly.

Of course it happens in Britain, too. You just foby hear about it.

Agree. There’s a lot to unpick here, not least is the fact that the OP doesn’t seem to realise that his behaviour is deliberately designed to give her a hard time if she objects to anything he does. It saddens me to see women who don’t recognise, or deny abusive, controlling behaviour. And it sends a terrible message to any children involved.

Exactly what I was going to say.

IMHO despite being legal age 19 is a child in 99% if cases and men of 40 + who have relationships with them are a particular breed of dick! It might be legal but is so icky. And I wouldn't want my dd thinking that's ok. But yes I think you need to keep quiet and just be there for your dd when this car crash becomes a pile up.

Yeah it’s a bit yuck blah blah blah but seriously what can you (or anyone) do? She’s an adult, he’s an adult, all this frothing at the mouth with achieve absolutely nothing and tbh just looks interfering and pearl clutchy. Just move on with your own life while looking out for your daughter.

Well, it shows a clear distinction between ‘illegal’ and ‘unpalatable’. Many don’t seem to know the difference on here.