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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop DD having holidays?

246 replies

PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 10:21

DH and I stopped family holidays 12 years ago as it was too hard because both DD1 and DD2 have SEN. Since then DH and DD2 have gone on mini breaks around the UK 2 or 3 times a year while I stay at home with DD1. Everyone has been happy with this arrangement.

Now DD2 is a young adult this isn’t working so well because she feels DH doesn’t meet her needs properly in terms of reassurance and controlling her anxiety. He just about covers her physical needs although they frequently bicker because he doesn’t do things the way she likes.

They’ve just come home early from a week away because DD was so stressed and DH couldn’t calm her down.

Looking ahead, what do I do?

DD does have paid carers some of the time but DH doesn’t want to go away on holiday with a carer in tow, and also we would have to pay for their room and meals.

The obvious answer is for me to go with them purely to be the mediator and counsellor etc so we will have the extra the cost plus I don’t actually want to go at all tbh. I don’t like going away, I hate the activities they enjoy so literally I will spend my time following them around just being her carer.

But it seems that if I don’t agree then DD won’t have anymore holidays as it’s just not working with DH anymore.

AIBU to say I won’t go?

OP posts:
IAmABogWitch · 10/04/2024 10:27

Are there any supported holidays DD could go on without DH? Group camps/activities or something?

OrigamiOwls · 10/04/2024 10:28

I think DD2's age is key here (as 'young adult' is fairly broad)

Sirzy · 10/04/2024 10:30

i think if you can help facilitate at least a few days a year then that would be a good compromise.

toomuchfaff · 10/04/2024 10:33

No of course YANBU to say you wont go - you are more than a mediator - if you do not like the activities, you do not like excursions, you do not like holidays then your feelings need consideration also. Of course YANBU

Asparename · 10/04/2024 10:34

Could you go with dd2 and your dh stay at home with dd1?
it might be helpful to give a bit more info about ages and what help your dd’s need. Does dd2 want to go on holiday? Does dh?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/04/2024 10:35

There must be other things you can do whilst they are doing their activities? Seems a bit mean that your DD won't get any holidays unless you go, and what about your other DD, isn't she missing out by staying at home with you?

cestlavielife · 10/04/2024 10:37

Send them on supported holidays with carers eg Nutley edge outward etc bending trust Calvert etc
Get ss budget for this
They adults you do not need to go on holiday with them look for other supported options

TinyYellow · 10/04/2024 10:38

If your dd isn’t enjoying holidays in the way that they can be facilitated then there’s nothing wrong with just not doing them. It doesn’t have to be forever, maybe in a couple of years your dd and DH will feel better placed to try again.

cestlavielife · 10/04/2024 10:42

Many available options
Approach
Ss adult with disabilities For funding under personal budget

Octavia64 · 10/04/2024 10:43

In similar circumstances we just stopped doing holidays.

Too hard.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 10/04/2024 10:53

If she's stressed and anxious is it a holiday or an endurance test?

DoreenonTill8 · 10/04/2024 11:12

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 10/04/2024 10:53

If she's stressed and anxious is it a holiday or an endurance test?

Exactly, well for both of them really. What's this in reality she feels DH doesn’t meet her needs properly in terms of reassurance and controlling her anxiety. He just about covers her physical needs although they frequently bicker because he doesn’t do things the way she likes.
Are they feasible/achievable?

Original poster
PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 11:20

Thanks for the responses.

DD is 21 and she is a wheelchair user and needs full time help with practical stuff. She and DH are like 2 peas in a pod, they love doing the same things, all things I hate!

The ideal solution is for me to go because they would have so much fun together and I'd be there to do the physical caring and the emotional stuff too. It's just that I'd hate it so much.

All year round I do lots of caring for her so tbh when they are away it's like a holiday for me. For those who asked, DD1 is not interested in going away at all.

Yes things they like to do are not the kinds of thing you get on group organised holidays for disabled people so that wouldn't be her thing at all.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 10/04/2024 11:29

But what is she wanting him to do re controlling her anxiety? That's a big task!

randomchap · 10/04/2024 11:33

Dealing with anxiety is hard, both for the carer and the person with anxiety. Can your dh work on how he deals with it? What help is DD getting for it? Can she get more help?

spriots · 10/04/2024 11:39

I think at 21, she shouldn't be relying on someone else to keep her anxiety under control - she needs her own coping mechanisms.

I am not saying that's easy, it might take a lot of time to work out how to do that but it's not sustainable for other people to have to reassure her in the right way.

cestlavielife · 10/04/2024 11:44

You need a break

Tell dh he sucks it up and takes a carer . End of.

What are the things they like doing?

MississippiAF · 10/04/2024 11:46

Expecting another person to manage your anxiety is never going to end well.

Original poster
PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 11:47

The anxiety thing is a massive problem. She needs constant reassurance and even the tiniest thing can set her off.

DH just finds it so hard, especially when her anxiety is not related to a specific thing. He will fix actual problems and make everything ok but when she wants to talk about how she is feeling generally anxious for no reason he just doesn't have the energy for it and she gets angry that he is dismissing her feelings.

It's hard, it's really draining for me, I deal with it all year round. She has a counsellor who she sees weekly and is on meds too and she's better than she was but it's still an issue.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 10/04/2024 11:48

The options are

  1. Dd Don't go away at all
  2. Dd Go dd and dh as before and deal with it
  3. Dd goes dd plus carer plus dh
  4. Dd goes with a carer no dh maybe join organised group or not

You going is not the answer as you do not enjoy and you need a break

Stopping dd going away if she enjoys going away is not the answer

Geneticsbunny · 10/04/2024 11:51

@cestlavielife thanks so much for posting that company. Looks brilliant.

Original poster
PomPomDahlia27 · 10/04/2024 11:53

They do lots of things including orienteering, forest walks, treasure hunts, city tours and pub crawls, escape rooms. Also theatre, comedy shows, zoos, wildlife parks.

They were thinking of going to the Edinburgh Fringe this year which they would both love so much but I think it will be a disaster, but I'd hate for her to miss out.

OP posts:
LIZS · 10/04/2024 11:57

What are her triggers? Are day trips any better? What provision do you now have for dd1, are you still caring for her?