to stop DD having holidays?

[PomPomDahlia27]

DH and I stopped family holidays 12 years ago as it was too hard because both DD1 and DD2 have SEN. Since then DH and DD2 have gone on mini breaks around the UK 2 or 3 times a year while I stay at home with DD1. Everyone has been happy with this arrangement.

Now DD2 is a young adult this isn’t working so well because she feels DH doesn’t meet her needs properly in terms of reassurance and controlling her anxiety. He just about covers her physical needs although they frequently bicker because he doesn’t do things the way she likes.

They’ve just come home early from a week away because DD was so stressed and DH couldn’t calm her down.

Looking ahead, what do I do?

DD does have paid carers some of the time but DH doesn’t want to go away on holiday with a carer in tow, and also we would have to pay for their room and meals.

The obvious answer is for me to go with them purely to be the mediator and counsellor etc so we will have the extra the cost plus I don’t actually want to go at all tbh. I don’t like going away, I hate the activities they enjoy so literally I will spend my time following them around just being her carer.

But it seems that if I don’t agree then DD won’t have anymore holidays as it’s just not working with DH anymore.

AIBU to say I won’t go?

Is this your problem to solve though? have either DH/DD asked you to go along as well?
If not, let them get on with it?

DD1 doesn't need as much care and can be left alone for a few days. She isn't as demanding as long as she's left in peace at home.

DD doesn't really have specific triggers that I can explain but I know that DH's personality is really difficult for her to manage. So for example, he will book an outing and they say something like That's all booked, let's hope it doesn't rain. Or they set off in the car and he will say Should only take an hour unless that warning light comes back on the car ha ha.

He's a chump. Makes stupid comments and jokes all the time and then when she reacts and says something like oh no, do you think it will be closed if it's too wet, he'll just shut her down and say FGS don't worry, we'll sort it out when we get there.

She overreacts to everything and he doesn't do anything to stop himself provoking her because he thinks she's being ridiculous.

You just quoted 10 activities, and you say you don't like a single one? Do you take her for these activities when she is home, so you don't want to on holiday, or do you really hate all these activities. Are your interests something your DD could learn or be involved in, or does her disability/anxiety mean she can't? No reason a holiday involving three people can't involve things all 3 enjoy.

I don't think you need to have a plan now for all time.

Just don't plan a holiday in the near future. See how everyone feels in a year, or two, or three. Your daughter doesn't get to summon you to a holiday you don't want to go on, but there may come a time in future when you can manage a night or two for her sake.

You and your husband need to safeguard your own mental health too. Does your husband need the odd weekend away by himself? Do you?

I think this is for your daughter to figure out sorry. She wants to go on holiday with someone who she wants to do similar activities to, which is great. She also wants them to help manage her anxiety even when it's generalised (ie there is no specific practical issue to 'fix'). This is an unreasonable ask - he is her dad not her counsellor and may not be able to help her even if he wanted to spend his holiday calming someone down. She has to figure out some coping mechanisms. Perhaps he could go to some of her counselling sessions to work on what they could both do to make things run more smoothly, in these circumstances, but the onus is on your daughter to figure out how to make these holidays work (assuming no mental incapacity other than anxiety)

I'm her primary carer so I'm the one that deals with all her problems and issues, I have to console her and talk her down when she's anxious or else she gets hysterical.

They haven't asked me to go but the issue of the summer holiday is now hanging heavy and at the moment DH is just saying I'll happily arrange to anywhere you want but you need to sort out your attitude out and stop complaining about me. This has not gone down well.

Oooft, do you not like him much and blame him for everything (mn trope of course!) So he can't even say 'let's hope it doesn't rain'? The car thing I can maybe see, but it sounds like she comes home with a litany of complaints against him, and you back her up. If he needs to suck up this behaviour, and speak and act in line with such specifics, maybe it would be better if you who'll do as she instructs goes?

Sounds like your dh meds to get better at this if he wants to continue

@pinkfondu dh needs to get better at what? Doing what he's told by wife and daughter and not answering back?

YANBU to refuse to go.
I don’t understand why the obvious answer is to make you go to act as DD1’s carer when she has a carer?

And who stays behind with DD2 if you, DH and DD1 go on holiday? How would DD2 feel about this?

I would just have the carer go. It is unreasonable to expect a disabled person to cope with, much less enjoy, a holiday when their basic needs are not being met.

@DoreenonTill8 a bit harsh?

I'm pointing out the kind of things he says that set DD off. Fairly silly and innocuous stuff, but I know when he says something like that she will be upset but he doesn't. Hence the problem.

Also, we have an added layer of conflict because DD wants me to "stop" him saying stupid things and obvs I've told her that He's a grown man doing nothing wrong except some ill judged one liners that upset her because she's sensitive.

It frustrates me because he could avoid a lot of the trouble by choosing his words more carefully but for whatever reason it just keeps happening constantly.

@Cherryon op says her basic needs are being met and she can manage on her own for a few days, the issue seems to be op will spend hours managing the dds 'hysterical' behaviours and high anxiety about everything but the dh doesn't?

TBH that's it in a nutshell

DH doesn’t want to go away on holiday with a carer in tow

Well no maybe he doesn't, but is that the most important thing? You need a break too. Don't try to be the solution yourself, don't put yourself in the middle of this.

You cannot always be there as mediator as your DD2 grows up, she and DH need to navigate this for themselves. It's important for both of them not to become any more reliant on you.

While it doesn't sound an easy situation for anyone I'm inclined to agree with your DH that if your dd wants your DH's company she has to work more proactively to manage her anxiety.

She isn't a child anymore although holidays with parents can bring out the child in anyone.

I don't think the solution is for you to go and do something you hate.

I would simply pause the holidays until everyone wants them enough to make the effort with them. It isn't your responsibility to supervise the holidays of dc in their 20's.

Yanbu to not go and his nbu so say things like hope it doesn’t rain. Most people say stuff like that. Sounds like she learns better coping skills or finds someone else entirely to go with or doesn’t go. She’s an adult

Are you sure you managing her meltdowns is actually helping her rather than her learning to be self sufficient and develop coping strategies. Does she enjoy their trips? Or him? It sounds like he gaslights her as well as refuses to engage with her reactions.

Tbh Edinburgh Festival may be a stretch for someone with anxiety issues. Maybe they could find a smaller comedy festival instead. Or go somewhere where it is held at their accommodation. Are there walking holidays for those with disabilities? Maybe she and carer could find a Warners type break ?

I also think if she needs physical care as an young adult she should have her carer rather than her dad providing this if possible.

Are you all on tenterhooks in case an innocent comment or situation sparks of dd’s anxiety?

It also sounds like dd needs to build some resilience. Is she used to people attending to her every need and so can’t cope with odd comments etc? or one day a joke will be fine, and another it won’t.

All those trips they do together sounds great.

I do think you’re inadvertently being a bit harsh on your husband. Sometimes you do say things like that without thinking I have had many “oh shit I shouldn’t have said that” moments with DS which have caused issues. Yes he should try to avoid saying things but she also needs to learn that it’s not said with any malice and she can’t control everything everyone says.

The way I try and manage her meltdowns is perhaps enabling her bad behaviour but I don't know what else to do.

I don't pander to her in the sense of agreeing with her all the time, I tell her when she is being unreasonable, when she needs to step back, think about others, how her anxiety is affecting us. I also sometimes tell her that enough is enough and we can't talk about her feeling for hours everyday.

But OTOH I can't just dismiss her feelings and tell her she's being ridiculous and Uber sensitive etc. even if often that's exactly what I feel. So she feels more comfortable with me because I'll give her some space to talk whereas DH just doesn't do that.

Op said her basic physical needs are being met, we are more than physical bodies.

Completely agree, and I often say to her that DH isn't wrong and hasn't done something wrong. I'm forever saying that you can't control and change another person but you can control how you respond.

BUT sometimes he says something and I just think for goodness sake, she's going to blow!

Definitely the case that she's used to getting things her own way - having paid carers is a nightmare for this as they foster this dependency and of course they do everything exactly as she wants it.

We are permanently on edge. When she is at home DD1 tends to hide away because she hates conflict and just expects there to be a row.

I'm forever saying that you can't control and change another person but you can control how you respond.

Unless you have an anxiety disorder, in which case you can’t control how you respond and having a carer there who can help you with this mental health need would be essential.