to stop DD having holidays?

[PomPomDahlia27]

DH and I stopped family holidays 12 years ago as it was too hard because both DD1 and DD2 have SEN. Since then DH and DD2 have gone on mini breaks around the UK 2 or 3 times a year while I stay at home with DD1. Everyone has been happy with this arrangement.

Now DD2 is a young adult this isn’t working so well because she feels DH doesn’t meet her needs properly in terms of reassurance and controlling her anxiety. He just about covers her physical needs although they frequently bicker because he doesn’t do things the way she likes.

They’ve just come home early from a week away because DD was so stressed and DH couldn’t calm her down.

Looking ahead, what do I do?

DD does have paid carers some of the time but DH doesn’t want to go away on holiday with a carer in tow, and also we would have to pay for their room and meals.

The obvious answer is for me to go with them purely to be the mediator and counsellor etc so we will have the extra the cost plus I don’t actually want to go at all tbh. I don’t like going away, I hate the activities they enjoy so literally I will spend my time following them around just being her carer.

But it seems that if I don’t agree then DD won’t have anymore holidays as it’s just not working with DH anymore.

AIBU to say I won’t go?

Has she been diagnosed with a mental health condition, disability or is she autistic?

It sounds like she needs some support from outside the home to health her deal with her anxiety. DH could do with trying to understand what he may do which makes it worse but it’s not his role to make it better.

at the moment DH is just saying I'll happily arrange to anywhere you want but you need to sort out your attitude out and stop complaining about me.

That sounds perfectly fair enough tbh?

I'm forever saying that you can't control and change another person but you can control how you respond just to him or her as well? She needs to learn some self control too. Does she work or attend education or respite, or are these trips the only time she gets out?

OP has only been saying it to the DD with anxiety, SEN and is a wheelchair user.

having paid carers is a nightmare for this as they foster this dependency and of course they do everything exactly as she wants it.

Better to have her depend on them than you, at least for the length of a holiday. After all, holidays are meant to be fun but they are quite challenging. So if DD's coping with the holiday and expanding her horizons by being spoilt by carers, well that sounds ideal. (Except your DH has to cope with the carers, but then again he's a grown up)

The more you write OP the more it seems that there are issues with your dd2 living in the family home and these are simply more exposed on holiday as you aren't there as full time peacemaker.
Maybe it is time for your dd to start thinking about how to live more independently?
Anxiety is a serious but treatable condition but your dd would have to work at it and currently everyone else seems to be working harder than she is around managing it.

Not sure what I am reading, instead of the perfectly abled adult man moderating the things he chooses to say to accommodate an anxiety disability of a disabled wheelchair using, SEN daughter, the sentiment from OP and some posters is that she needs to accommodate her dad?

WTAF? Does the DH have Tourette’s? Why can’t he choose his words wisely, think before he makes a little “joke” that he should by now, know would wind up his disabled daughter?

And denying her the professional paid carer when they go on holiday, that is neglectful imho. She is physically disabled, has SEN and anxiety so shouldn’t be expected to go without her carer! And then any complaints she has about not being properly cared for in the absence of her carer is being called a bad attitude.

This sounds like a bigger issue than just holidays, as PP has said. Holidays are exposing it as you’re not there to mitigate it, but sounds like she’s got the whole house (bar DH fully) tiptoeing round her.

Can she go back to the GP to see if they can increase medication or provide any other therapies?

The issue with managing anxiety in this way is that the anxiety just becomes ever-increasing.

Are their absolutely no holidays for disabled young adults she would like to do?

It sounds as if she would benefit a lot from the social aspect of being with other young adults and away from her parents, even if she isn't totally thrilled by the activities.

You going on holiday is not the answer. You need to stay with the other dd and you won’t enjoy it.

The choices are
1 No more holidays
2 Dd reconsiders if her dad’s “shortcomings” are worse than not going on holiday. The speech marks are because I have sympathy with regards to the difficulty of dealing with another person with anxiety.
3 H sucks up the carer
4 dd goes on holiday that comes with assistance

So are dd1s needs being neglected because of dd2s demands? Is that why she doesn't go on holiday as the only needs accounted for are dd2 or she'll 'kick off?

DD is at Uni part time, living away from home with paid carers for a few days then coming home. Sometimes she's away for a week or so. She likes that freedom but also suffers extreme anxiety and can't wait to come home.

When she's at home things are often strained and I'm definitely the peacemaker.

We often have the carers at home as well, DD likes that, but we won't have them permanently at home because it's really difficult for the rest of the family. Also, before everyone piles in, DD herself actually appreciates a break from the carers so it is a decent balance.

The holidays are the flashpoint because it's DH who is with her rather than me.

I think DH should be much better at managing her and himself and I think he's unreasonable often. You can't just ignore her anxiety because you think she's over sensitive. But also, she can't still arrange outings and holidays with him and then instantly start complaining that he's not good enough.

This. Stop pandering to her. She needs to not be so sensitive about every innocent comment. Nothing wrong with what your husband says and the trips sound awesome.

Is going to a city where you can chill out doing your own thing in the day an option, they can drag themselves to all the activities, you get to relax but you join them in the evening to eat and are there for practical care support eg showering. I wouldn't dismiss specialist holidays either, the interests you listed certainly overlap with the trips I've personally volunteered on as a catering years gone by

I feel for your OH to be honest. It sounds really difficult and I don't think it is fair to ask him to not be himself and say entirely normal things and instead be on eggshells around his own child and watch every word he says. I say this as someone who has had a rollercoaster journey with anxiety. As I am sure you know, it is extremely draining to be a support to someone with anxiety and at some point they need to be responsible for their own management of their anxiety.

Honestly, your DD needs to recognise that while other people can help her with the physical tasks she can't do, it is not up to anyone else to keep her constantly happy and calm.

She's a grown woman and she needs to learn to manage her own anxieties and not to blame other people for triggering them. Your DH thinks she's over-sensitive because she is over-sensitive, and she needs to understand that and address it.

I suffer from a mental health condition and there was a long period when I had really serious anxiety every time my partner drove anywhere without me. That might not have been much of an issue had his hobby not entailed him doing a lot of long car journeys alone at weekends and in the evenings.

He is an extremely kind and thoughtful man and has always been really supportive. I could have asked him to give up his hobby. I could have kicked off every time he said he was going somewhere and told him it was his fault that I was anxious. I could have called him every 20 minutes in a panic to check on him or demanded that he constantly texted to let me know he was OK.

But I didn't do any of those things because I fully understood that he should absolutely not have been held responsible for 'causing' my responses when they stemmed not from his actions/words but from my mental health condition. Me being controlling and abusive towards him, blaming him for my issues and expecting not to do/say totally normal things in case they made me anxious, would have been awful behaviour on my part.

I think DD is over sensitive and I think her behaviour is often out of proportion. But I try and recognise that anxiety is a condition she suffers with and can't control, so I try and understand it's not so easy for her to control her feelings.

I'm desperately hoping that as she gets older she will develop more strength to brush off other people's comments and not react to absolutely everything but it's not happening yet. She also needs to foster that self awareness of how her behaviour is affecting other people but so far that is r happening either.

DH and I do find her utterly exhausting. Not the physical stuff, we're used to that, it's the emotional side which is hard.

I wonder if all these activities she wants to do on holiday just aren't all compatible with her anxiety at the moment? Maybe you'd manage it better than your husband does but maybe any holidays need to be a LOT less ambitious/demanding to have any chance of success.

I'm not saying never do any of them, but let it lie for a while and then just try to do one thing that is the least triggering. Ambitious can wait until you have a workable way forward. I think there's wisdom from PPs saying it leaves it until she is keen enough to be a bit more patient!

I think she needs to go in to a residential setting where she can make friends and have some independence. This sounds like a total nightmare for all involved, and I am surprised you still have a DH.

You are allowing her to control your lives. Time for her to move out.

Does DD have any friends who could go with her and DH?

This isn’t as easy as you make it sound. I have a 16 year old DS with ADHD and anxiety. You can’t just tell someone not to be anxious. It doesn’t work like that. He gets anxious and then because of his ADHD (emotional dysregation) goes off on one. I understand him and know what will set him off. I keep trying to explain to DH that you can’t just tell him to stop feeling the way he feels. It’s like telling someone with epilepsy (DH)to stop having fits.

Absolutely agree. It's easy to avoid someone's genuine trigger. All he has to do is to be mindful of his DD's disability.
@PomPomDahlia27 does he not believe that her anxiety is real? Has he done his best to educate himself on anxiety?

It sounds like the rest of the family need a holiday from your daughter every now and again. You and DH can’t be expected to help her if your tank is empty.

In your position I’d tell DD that she either goes on the holidays with DH or stays at home. She’s 21, not a child, and it’s not for you to be managing her anxiety. If she says she’d rather not go then fine - use the money to go away with DH, just the two of you, and leave both girls with carers.

How can he 'educate himself' to her genuine triggers if him saying 'hope it doesn't rain' ends up being a terrible thing to say that she reports back to the OP? It seems that doing anything at all that is not suggested or approved by the dd2 is wrong and triggering which op herself has said, and is why everyone and dd1 (who it seems is being ridden roughshod over) has to acquiesce and walk on eggshells or she kicks off?