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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD angry at mature student for inappropriate email

459 replies

KeepCalmPlease · 09/04/2024 23:11

NC just in case.
Daughter is angry this eve as a mature student on her course has mistakenly replied all to the class, instead of just her lecturer. In the email, apparently they brag about finishing their assigned work early, and then flirt about a shared hobby with lecturer. Daughter wants to bring this up formally with the institution along with other friends of hers. I haven't seen the email so I'm not sure what "flirting" is but I suspect the mature student, being older, just shares a hobby with lecturer (and likes being teachers pet).
My advice to her is just ignore the mistake, keep your head down and make sure your own work is done. AIBU?

I'm not sure why DD is so exasperated by this. I'm sure many emails fly about all day in academia.

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 09/04/2024 23:14

She needs to let it go. It doesn’t affect her at all so why is she stressing? Not her circus, not hee monkeys . Forget and move on. Although it does sound like your Dd may be a bit jealous of the flirting!!

Myyearmytime · 09/04/2024 23:14

She fancies one of them

Jellycats4life · 09/04/2024 23:15

Bring it up formally? To what end?

The student has embarrassed themselves enough by sending the email to everyone and outing themselves as a show off and a kiss ass 😄 Punishment enough, surely?

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 09/04/2024 23:16

What would happen if she reported it? Let's just all chill out.

ButterflyKu · 09/04/2024 23:16

How does it impact her? Unless she thinks that the lecturer will be giving the student special treatment (and by that I mean giving extra marks) i’m not quite sure what she’d like to do. And even so, how do you prove a lecturer is giving someone extra marks? I’m sure most teachers/lecturers have a class favourite tbh!

Crazyclover · 09/04/2024 23:16

She will make herself look ridiculous and childish, she needs to move on

misszebra · 09/04/2024 23:17

why is she bothered? I would find it funny if I was in her position! clearly she fancies one of the parties involved

RytonTarget · 09/04/2024 23:19

None of her business. If the mature student and the lecturer are of a similar age and share hobby then no surprise that they have a less formal and more friendly relationship.

Catsmere · 09/04/2024 23:19

The mature-age student has made a complete arse of himself or herself in front of everyone. DD should just smirk, like everyone else probably is!

Original poster
KeepCalmPlease · 09/04/2024 23:20

ButterflyKu · 09/04/2024 23:16

How does it impact her? Unless she thinks that the lecturer will be giving the student special treatment (and by that I mean giving extra marks) i’m not quite sure what she’d like to do. And even so, how do you prove a lecturer is giving someone extra marks? I’m sure most teachers/lecturers have a class favourite tbh!

Basically yes she thinks this (but hasn't said that's the reason). I've told her that there's no proof of favouritism in marking at all and basically they have already been punished by public shaming !

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 09/04/2024 23:27

Jesus. Tell her to grow up. Non of her business

Original poster
KeepCalmPlease · 09/04/2024 23:30

Maddy70 · 09/04/2024 23:27

Jesus. Tell her to grow up. Non of her business

Well the "flirtatious " email was sent to her as well to be fair !

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2024 23:36

I could see my own dd being upset by something like this. I can see my 18yo self being upset by something like this.

I also know that by the end of university I had developed a friendly relationship with several of my professors. It was still professional, but if you spend enough time with a person, you inevitably get to know them.

By graduate school it was much less formal.

so with a little bit of maturity I would have been able to see that it is likely not a big deal, but 18yo me sure would have been upset.

Hobbi · 09/04/2024 23:36

It would be unusual for assessed work at a university not to be marked anonymously. There are exceptions such as dissertations but there would be a rigorous moderation process anyway. Favouritism is very difficult to act upon and informality between students and lecturers is not forbidden. Your daughter seems to have quite an immature attitude and understanding of higher education processes - has she been there long?

KreedKafer · 09/04/2024 23:38

Your daughter needs to grow up and stop being such a drama queen. She’s not at school any more.

MariaLuna · 09/04/2024 23:41

and likes being teachers pet

Goodness, did they not graduate from Primary School?!

TwilightSkies · 09/04/2024 23:41

Does she have form for meddling and being petty?

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 09/04/2024 23:43

I’m a lecturer and an ex mature student I taught is now one of my closest friends - gay man so absolutely nothing flirtatious - but that friendship didn’t develop until after he had completed his course. It would have been wildly unprofessional otherwise.

It’s most likely work is blind marked (with student numbers rather than names, and no-one has time to be cross referencing those) and then double marked by a second staff member, so favouritism in giving grades is not at all likely. Students often complain about marking taking longer than they would like but it is in their absolute best interests!

BettyShagter · 09/04/2024 23:44

KeepCalmPlease · 09/04/2024 23:30

Well the "flirtatious " email was sent to her as well to be fair !

Show quote history

That still doesn't make it any of her business.

What's her problem? Surely she's told you?

ButterflyKu · 09/04/2024 23:45

KeepCalmPlease · 09/04/2024 23:20

Basically yes she thinks this (but hasn't said that's the reason). I've told her that there's no proof of favouritism in marking at all and basically they have already been punished by public shaming !

Show quote history

I see where she’s coming from, I probably would have jumped to the same conclusion. I don’t think your DD and her friends will have a leg to stand on if they bring it up formally.

There really wouldn’t be much to say except for ‘Jane replied to all of us in an email and you can see that they were speaking about a shared hobby. That somehow means that they’re being given additional marks.’ It sounds very 2+2 = 5 if you get what I mean!

Just keep encouraging DD to make sure her own work is done like you’ve said, not much more that you can do really. How embarrassing for the other student though yikes

TimesChangeAgain · 09/04/2024 23:49

If it was the other way around she may have a point, but it’s hardly the lecturer’s fault if the other student is trying to curry favour! I’m sure they’re neither the first nor the last to try it.

sunnyday98 · 09/04/2024 23:50

None of her business, it will do her more harm to be involved in reporting it as it looks ridiculous tbh what is she reporting anyway?!

AspiringChatBot · 09/04/2024 23:52

If it were the other way around (the email FROM the lecturer TO the student) and it crossed a line into sexual harassment or seemed to propose some kind of sexual/romantic involvement, then I could see the point in reporting it as inappropriate given the lecturer's job responsibilities and the power imbalance. However, the opposite doesn't really apply unless the email crossed over into the student harassing the lecturer, and even then I'd probably leave it for the lecturer to handle. Does she trust the lecturer/think that the lecturer is competent apart from this incident?

theduchessofspork · 09/04/2024 23:54

Your DD is in danger of making a tit of herself. She sounds young for her age s give her some guidance

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2024 23:55

This is a situation where my response would be the occasional “oh dear” and “uh huh” whilst pretty much ignoring her.