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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD angry at mature student for inappropriate email

459 replies

KeepCalmPlease · 09/04/2024 23:11

NC just in case.
Daughter is angry this eve as a mature student on her course has mistakenly replied all to the class, instead of just her lecturer. In the email, apparently they brag about finishing their assigned work early, and then flirt about a shared hobby with lecturer. Daughter wants to bring this up formally with the institution along with other friends of hers. I haven't seen the email so I'm not sure what "flirting" is but I suspect the mature student, being older, just shares a hobby with lecturer (and likes being teachers pet).
My advice to her is just ignore the mistake, keep your head down and make sure your own work is done. AIBU?

I'm not sure why DD is so exasperated by this. I'm sure many emails fly about all day in academia.

OP posts:
ludocris · 09/04/2024 23:59

I can't see what grounds there are for complaint?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2024 00:00

What on earth is her issue? She sounds like a little drama queen trying to make something all about her.

Viksono · 10/04/2024 00:00

Sounds like a drama about nothing, I know mature students can sometimes be seen as “annoying” by some students that really need to grow up, could that be the case here?
but it’s really got nothing to do with her, if they were flirting the tutor will address this or go through whatever is needed to be done about that. If they’re bragging about being done early… so what? They’re telling the tutor they’re doing good and ahead of their work. That’s not a bad thing.

she will look like she has a weird vendetta putting a complaint in especially with a group of them doing so.

Original poster
KeepCalmPlease · 10/04/2024 00:01

theduchessofspork · 09/04/2024 23:54

Your DD is in danger of making a tit of herself. She sounds young for her age s give her some guidance

I don't think she is immature/ young for age but do agree with most here that its best to leave this. She said she will sleep on it but her whatsapps been buzzing away with chat about the email no doubt!
In another context , for example an office with a clear hierarchy, I could see why something like this would be the gossip of the day and piss a few people off.

OP posts:
parietal · 10/04/2024 00:05

I'm a university lecturer. All our marking is anonymous so it can't possibly favour anyone.

Your DD is making a fuss about nothing and if she complains, nothing will happen.

Catlord · 10/04/2024 00:07

Listen, nod and smile. Advise her to stay out of it and he will.be feeling mortified enough.

If she is insistent and not just letting off steam, suggest she looks through the university handbook and points out what policy is being breached. There won't be any. A professor might be on thin ice the other way round if it was actually flirtatious (not harassing) but there is unlikely to be a rule against students being chatty to lecturers, it's for the staff to manage if they don't want to welcome it.

Also written work is blind marked and moderated so should be hard to flirt your way to better grades across the course.

whiteboardking · 10/04/2024 00:10

Why do you know about this? To me a more obvious question is why a mum knows that level of info re a uni age child's life?

AssassinsEyebrow · 10/04/2024 00:11

Blimey, there are bigger things to get ones knickers in a twist about

aesopsgables · 10/04/2024 00:12

This sounds like a great opportunity for her to learn how to mind her own business.

JMSA · 10/04/2024 00:13

My 3 girls are less than perfect, but they would never snitch in this situation. Unless someone is in danger, it's never an attractive quality!

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2024 00:13

aesopsgables · 10/04/2024 00:12

This sounds like a great opportunity for her to learn how to mind her own business.

Absolutely, and I would be strongly suggesting to her that she does.

Original poster
KeepCalmPlease · 10/04/2024 00:15

whiteboardking · 10/04/2024 00:10

Why do you know about this? To me a more obvious question is why a mum knows that level of info re a uni age child's life?

She told me 😂

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 10/04/2024 00:16

YANBU they are creating drama out of this. They have only seen an email from the student, the student has already embarrassed themselves which is punishment enough. Technically theve done nothing wrong, I doubt there is a rule that students can’t email teachers in this way.

They haven’t seen anything from the professor to suggest that they are flirting or favouriting the student so there’s no wrong doing.

Maray1967 · 10/04/2024 00:22

Univ lecturer here. She needs to focus on her own work and ignore this. Any complaint about this could only be framed as an allegation that the staff member might mark the student’s work more leniently. The investigation will simply result in your Dd being reminded that a moderation process is in place. The staff member might be asked if she/he has any concerns about the other student’s behaviour - that depends on what the univ policy says about staff- student relationships. If staff member has concerns, she/he will have raised them and produced the email in any case.

I’ve had students over the years complain that another student shouldn’t have been granted an extension. I take a very dim view of students who make that kind of complaint. They’re not 12 and they shouldn’t behave as though they are.

GCAcademic · 10/04/2024 00:24

I’m a head of department, so the person who this sort of complaint would come to. While it’s not exactly unusual to have to deal with situations where students have been winding each other up on WhatsApp over something ridiculous, it is still irritating to have to spend time that I don’t have looking into and responding to these situations. The HoD will no doubt roll their eyes at the mature student, but they will be doing that twice over re. your daughter. I agree that the best course of action is to ask her to look at the university’s policies and regulations and identify which has been breached (it will be none of them).

SD1978 · 10/04/2024 00:25

Unless you've read the email, you don't know if what the tone actually is. U leas this person has specifically said I've done this and all the others have t, aren't I a good student, I seriously doubt it's bragging. And having shared interests doesn't make the student a suck up. Your daughter sounds immature. And a little jealous/ spiteful.

Original poster
KeepCalmPlease · 10/04/2024 00:32

SD1978 · 10/04/2024 00:25

Unless you've read the email, you don't know if what the tone actually is. U leas this person has specifically said I've done this and all the others have t, aren't I a good student, I seriously doubt it's bragging. And having shared interests doesn't make the student a suck up. Your daughter sounds immature. And a little jealous/ spiteful.

Pardon ?!

OP posts:
Dancingontheedge · 10/04/2024 00:33

Having a mature student might well be a breath of fresh air amongst all the whiney, angsty and squabblesome children they have to wade through every week.
I get like that sometimes in some primary school classes. A craving for someone who gets a joke, or who can share the sodding equipment and space without a fuss. Or who was just a bit more mature about lining up.
Only in my head though. Outwardly I smile and nurture and count the pencils and listen to the complaints and work out solutions.

Original poster
KeepCalmPlease · 10/04/2024 00:35

DD is "sleeping on it". I've told her to use this as a reminder that her own work is probably due in soon, and she might use her time and energy better focusing on this.

OP posts:
Dancingontheedge · 10/04/2024 00:37

What does your daughter think is the problem?
What’s making her stamp her little feeties and shake her curls and wail ‘It’s not faaaaiiiirrrr’ ?

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 10/04/2024 00:45

Leave it, she will look like a trouble maker, she will also end up all alone, with those who were egging her on side stepping from the drama leaving her to fight alone.

tectonicplates · 10/04/2024 00:47

I’d like to know why the lecturer is sending out emails in a way that allows people to reply all. There must be a better way of contacting the whole mailing list.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 10/04/2024 00:53

tectonicplates · 10/04/2024 00:47

I’d like to know why the lecturer is sending out emails in a way that allows people to reply all. There must be a better way of contacting the whole mailing list.

We use a virtual learning environment which allows whole class messaging. I don’t think I have ever seen a student reply all though.

maddening · 10/04/2024 00:58

Have you read the email? Is it flirty or is it just a more confident and mature tone, talking more as equals?

Koulibiak · 10/04/2024 01:11

This would be a good time to use a decision tree so she can see that there is probably no benefit to her, or to others, in complaining. But there is probably detriment to herself, the lecturer, the HOD if she does. Conclusion: better not to complain.