DD angry at mature student for inappropriate email

[KeepCalmPlease]

NC just in case.
Daughter is angry this eve as a mature student on her course has mistakenly replied all to the class, instead of just her lecturer. In the email, apparently they brag about finishing their assigned work early, and then flirt about a shared hobby with lecturer. Daughter wants to bring this up formally with the institution along with other friends of hers. I haven't seen the email so I'm not sure what "flirting" is but I suspect the mature student, being older, just shares a hobby with lecturer (and likes being teachers pet).
My advice to her is just ignore the mistake, keep your head down and make sure your own work is done. AIBU?

I'm not sure why DD is so exasperated by this. I'm sure many emails fly about all day in academia.

I'd encourage her to not say a word. Unless she wants to look ridiculous.

She should report it

Your dd will make an absolute arse of herself if she complains about this as it doesn't sound as if there's any evidence of rules being broken or injustice at play. I would very explicitly tell her this then let her get on with it.

She's 18. She's an adult but an inexperienced adult who thinks she knows it all but in reality is not yet out of the mentality of the highschool playground. This isn't unusual and doesn't make her a bad person or you a bad parent but it does mean that she might need to learn from her own mistakes. All that you can do is advise her and stay factual and impartial.

On the flip side it's unlikely she's going to do herself or the other student any major harm if she does report it providing that it doesn't escalate into bullying of the student/lecturer. If this is the dumbest thing she does/considers doing this year then I'd take that as a win tbh

Marking is almost always anonymous and moderated so your DD would just make herself seem silly.
Students (mature or otherwise) flirting with the lecturer is probably a daily occurence. Unless your DD has some evidence that this tutor has behaved inappropriately (rather than just receiving an email which talks about a hobby!) I don’t really see there is anything to report.

Even if she's right that there's some flirtation there, its none of her concern. The most likely result of her getting involved in any way is that she'll look ridiculous and petty. She's wasting energy and headspace that would be better applied to her studies.

I would be more concerned that your daughter and classmates are watsapping none stop about this, very childish of her and also embarrassing, seems more like jealousy on your daughter’s part, even though she’s technically an adult, she still runs to mummy so as her parent I would definitely have this discussion with her to mind her own business

Bit harsh. So should all kids stop turning to their parents for advice or sharing their life with their parents once they turn 18? My own daughter can share her problems with me until we're both old and grey as far as I'm concerned and I'd rather she felt able to be open with me. I think it actually shows a degree of emotional maturity from OP's daughter that she's discussing it with her mum. She's probably discussing it with her because on some level she's unsure how to proceed and she respects OP's opinion. If she was egging her mum to get involved and fight her battles for her then that's a different story.

I’m so confused. What does any of it have to do with your daughter (other than receiving the email)?

Marking is usually anonymous anyway so for exam scripts and coursework (all on the same topic, generally following the same answer outline) it would be really hard to show favouritism unless they were really explicitly cheating. Even then I think there are usually multiple rounds of marking with different parties.

Grades go through a review process so any favouritism will likely be picked up.

I'd just tell her to forget she read it and crack on.

In any case just because the mat student has something in common with the lecturer doesn't mean the lecturer favours them....

Your dd needs to chill, has she not got enough work to do? The battle cry it’s not fair does not make her look good.

@KeepCalmPlease

when I was 40 I went back to university full time to do a masters. Everyone else was 21/22 with no real life experience.
My relationship with lecturers was completely different - I was close in age to most of them, could talk about things the other students couldnt - really exciting things like mortgage rates, how hard it was to find a plumber, jobs etc. We also had similar points of reference with music etc. When we went on a field trip I stayed in with them whilst the young uns went out clubbing.
No flirting involved - just a different level in the relationship.
What does ‘bragging’ about completing assignments even look like. Maybe its just a statement of fact. I alwayd had mine in early - as a mature student time was much more precious to me, I didnt have the distractions younger students did so I was much more focused and just did the work.

Imagine being a professor and group of students made a formal complaint about you because another student sent a kiss arse email.

they need to keep it in the groupchat

Obviously situation is complete non-event.

Lecturer may not even have seen or acknowledged the email

Or reply was a one-line or a smiley face or "thumbs-up" before stressing over the other 2675 unanswered emails or fulfilling the latest insane target sent down from management.

Many mature students have a jokey reputation for being good students but a little awkward and garrolous - a cringe "trying to be besties" message whilst not getting how the email works is pretty standard!

My actual concern would be the WhatsApp friendship group - could they potentially be winding DD up to set her up?

At that age there are mature balanced people and sneaky shit-stirrers, same as any other age.

So is it this little group of "friends" filling her head with nonsense, about how this is a serious matter blah blah blah....

Especially if she's young for her age or easily led.18 or 19 is very young still. Universities have bullies still.

I'd be concerned WhatsApp friends were egging DD on to worry and feel pressurised into making a formal complaint, then step back and leave her looking like a troublemaker and absorbing all the tension.

Might be worth her muting or leaving this group, making excuses, detaching a bit, and either WFH or focussing on other modules.

I agree with this. Your daughter is no longer at school where emails with a teacher are inappropriate. Relationships between lecturers and students are very different and your daughter’s failure to see that reflects really badly on her.

it doesn’t sound like the email was inappropriate at all and even if it was, the student would have embarrassed herself in front of everyone. Reporting is an extra level of stress that is unnecessary.

Even if they ARE having an affair, I wouldn't have an 18 year old be the one to report it about 2 adults much older than her. The consequences when/if shit hits the fan are their own.

Maybe try and get her to see that mistakes happen, this mature student is likely to be mortified and it’s a good quality to give someone a little grace in these kind of situations- you never know when it might be you! Obviously hard to know the exact tone of the email- but even if student is outrageously flirting- there’s no evidence of the lecturer’s response, the college isn’t going to care. She needs to learn which things are worth taking on and which to just let go.

I'm confused about what she thinks she's complaining about.

Is it that she doesn't like anyone having banter with a lecturer or a friendly relationship?
Or is it that a student apparently flirted with a lecturer? That's not on her to police. I'm not sure about the protocol but surely that's up to the lecturer to address if they feel it is inappropriate.

I can't imagine the lecturer being too pleased if someone goes over their head like that, and no doubt they will find out who the 'troublemaker' was and at the very least they'll think your daughter is a bit odd.

Your daughter is massively overreacting to this 'mistake'. The most she should do is to speak to the mature student and gently point out their error. There was no malice or ulterior motive about the email. She needs to remember this is someone who has probably been put of formal education from some years and maybe just got a rush of blood to the head!

It might not be a bad idea to have your daughter have a look-see at these comments, seeing as how they’re 99.9% in favor of her letting it go.

An overreaction from your daughter, but she is young and this has ruffled her feathers for whatever reason. I would just advise her to let it go and move on. Absolutely nothing good will come from her raising this (for any party) and would be a waste of time for all. It’s nice she turns to you as a sounding board for things and a good chance for you to step in and temper her feelings a little. Nothing wrong with her coming to you imo.

I think now would be a good time to remind your dd that just because she got the email, it doesn’t make it her business.

I would love to see what her definition of ‘flirting’ over a shared hobby, actually is. Because I suspect, it’s just talk of a similar interest that your dd is interpreting as flirty.

I would ask her what she expects the outcome of her complaint to be. I would ask her what the basis of her complaint is.

A flirty email from a student doesn’t prove that the lecturer is showing favouritism. Let’s say it was flirty, if the lecturer feels it’s inappropriate, they will deal with it as they see fit. But it doesn’t mean the lecturer has reciprocated or will respond by giving this person better grade. Even if that’s possible.

So there’s no complaint. Unless her complaint is simply going to be ‘I don’t like this person and how they act’ and what action does she think will be taken about that?

She doesn’t have to approve of everyone’s behaviour. And her simply not liking someone or their behaviour doesn’t automatically mean that action must be taken.

Without knowing your DD’s specific complaint about this email, it’s hard to comment.
But if she has received an email she is unhappy with, why not reply with her complaint to the person who (albeit accidentally) sent her the email, rather than to the university.

So she sees the 'flirtation' on the part of the student and the shared hobby as evidence that the Lecturer will mark their work more favourably? And on that basis she and her what's app group want to raise a complaint questioning the Lecturer's objectivity and professional integrity?

That is honestly appalling! Seriously, she needs to step back from the frothing of the what's app group and calm TF down. Not only will she look ridiculous, she needs to understand that these are serious allegations - favouritism and implied sexual misconduct - that you don't throw around lightly. The Lecturer has done nothing wrong here!

Your DD is being "immature" but typical for a student getting caught up in the drama.
The mature response would be to ignore and mute everyone who is "blowing up her WhatsApp".
Be an observer but don't get involved.
Universities are gossipy places and other lecturers and the Head of Department will already know about this email, and will act if anything untoward is going on.