DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

No way something I’d never ever compromise for anyone is my personal style , to be honest of you feel like this now the gap will only get wider . Post baby is he going to say he doesn’t like you in comfy clothes ?
my husband doesn’t say anything about my clothes , i wear docs etc alternative style too and it’s none of his business .
don’t try change for anyone .

This!

Oh ignore my previous message. He's negging you and being all gaslighty by pretending to be nice and not directly insulting your style while chip chip chipping at you and your self esteem until you "see the light". It's already working.

you wear what you want on your feet !

Saw your update about him using other women to make his point about how "put together" you could look.

From a woman in her late 40s, I'm telling you, he is very bad news.

He is chipping away at your self esteem. This is a tactic that abusive men start with.

He has been love bombing you so you're convinced he is "nice". Now he has started with the control. You might laugh now, but you're not seeing the red flags.

He has started trying to control you by chipping away at your self esteem.

What is he like in an argument? What happens when you say no?

There would be no negotiating on this for me I’m afraid! I’m a jeans, hoodie and trainers girl all day long and if my DP decided he wanted someone who dressed a different way, he’d be welcome to go and find her. I’m older than you though and very much about the comfort. The last time I wore heels it took my feet days to recover. Considered burning the shoes.

With all kindness, if you weren’t a student and were paying your own way would you be putting up with this from him? I can’t imagine staying with a man who pointed out other women suggesting that they looked better than me in etc. I’m really struggling to see why you put up with this.

Yeah agree, absolutely this sounds nasty and controlling and OP shouldn't consider any type of compromise because it won't end here.

I like your Docs op. Tell your boyfriends to buy himself a pair of heals and spend a whole day walking around in them, then ask if he still has the same opinion on your Docs. I know so many ladies with absolutely knackered feet due to fashion shoes - Docs are far sexier then heals now, bunions later.

i haven’t read the full thread, just OP posts. Honestly, you need to be with someone who loves you as you are. If he needs to change you to be happy in the relationship then he’s not the one for you. No amount of holidays and dinners will make up for feeling unhappy in yourself.

Bye bye boyfriend!

Also….
Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

You are considering changing who you are to fit his vision because he buys dinner? No, fuck you very much.

I had an ex who started nit picking little things about my appearance or style. It started off with preferring natural hair or wearing more fashionable clothes for example, which I comprised on as I felt for the poor man having to be embarrassed by my appearance. It should have been a massive red flag of the massively controlling arse that he later turned out to be.

If one day you think that your style isn’t suitable for whatever situation then look at what else you might like but don’t change for him.

I'm going to go a different way with this and say I think you are projecting and being a bit daft to be honest...

You keep saying 'I think' he wants this, 'I think' he prefers that, but the fact of the matter is you've been dating for two years and you've only just realised he doesn't like the shoes you wear?

You're painting him as some sort of control freak sugar daddy who wants you to dress up like a dolly bird for him, when really the only definitive thing you've said is he wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots.

In fairness I'd feel the same if my partner got dressed up nicely then put on a pair of trainers too.

It doesn't matter whatever his type is and what his past partners have looked like, he obviously loves you for you, he thinks your outfits are lovely, and hasn't actually asked you to change anything apart from wear some nice shoes with your nice outfits?

Yeah I agree with him about the DMs but equally I wouldn’t totter around in stilettos anymore either (I did in my 20s). How about wedges with your long indie dresses, or gold sandals, or those espadrille wedges with ties up the legs that everyone was wearing a few years ago. You haven’t got to dress like a Love Islander but surely you don’t wear DMs when you go on your holidays?

I wouldn't be happy with him pointing out other women, that would annoy me far more than him just saying he didn't like the docs. I still think that you can have fun and switch up your style, but I would tell him to knock it off on the comparing me to others.

First of all, pay your own way. Financial independence is important for women (and men). If you feel that you are in some way in his debt and alter your behaviour for that reason, the relationship is already unequal. Far better to establish an equal footing.

But wear what you like. It's fine for him to prefer certain styles, though he shouldn't dictate what you wear. If you say you like Doc Martens, that should be the end of the matter.

Taking him out of the equation you actually sound very confident in your own individual style and you know what you like. It does seem that it is your BF's views on your look that are making you question yourself and I don't like the sound of that. He might be doing it subtly but he is making you insecure about something you would otherwise be happy with.
Just read back what you said in your OP - "I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard"
That is telling you all you need to know. You know who you are, this isn't you and he needs to accept that and stop undermining your self confidence.

You're ND so you're used to feeling like your instincts are all wrong and maybe this is one of those times - it isn't. That niggle you feel is your brain doing the right thing!

You sound like a younger version of me. I wore trainers rather than DMs. Even the bit about him working full time and me being a student .

He started commenting that I didn't wear enough heels and should wear dresses more. That just wasn't my style. He slowly got more and more controlling too. Really subtle to begin with.

It got worse and he started commenting about weight too. We broke up eventually about others things he wanted to control.

Several years on and with a lovely man who couldn't care what I wear. I actually wear dresses every now and then but when I want to wear them. Nobody tells me too.

Basically what I'm trying to say is don't change. If you love your DMs, keep them and don't change for any man. Find someone who loves you for you. They should respect your choice of style and love you because of it not wanting to change you.

I think boho dresses and dm's look absolutely brilliant, especially if you're young and slim! And I love long dresses and pumps too. I'm really glad that this is now an acceptable look, because it makes dresses so much more wearable imo.
I'd stick with it, personally; or get a pair of boots that are lighter?

I'm older than you and have been married twice. I was quite punky when I was younger, interspersed with girlie. Both partners had ideals of how women should dress. I'm now single and IDGAF what them, or anyone else thinks about how I look. I've always had a pair of DM's in one form or another (currently Chelsea boots), now love Birkenstocks, surfy clothes and outdoor/country wear as I'm always muddy and out with dogs. Never been happier than to be in control of my own thoughts and ideas. It's liberating.

I think he should shove it.

However, as a fellow alternative/gothy/boot girl, can i make a recommendation, they're a bit 'out there' but check out Irregular Choice and Ruby Shoo, there might be some shoes/boots on those sites that suit your aesthetic :)

He might not like them, so what… he started dating you whilst you had your current style so it can’t be that much of a dealbreaker for him. I’m quite girly/feminine in the way I dress but I stopped wearing heals a long time ago I just thought one day why on earth am I wearing something that is not even the slightest bit comfortable?!?! You just wear what you’re comfortable in! I’d definitely be paying my share of holidays, meals etc before I changed what I’m comfortable in just to please someone

I’m a boots and dress girl too!
What about something like this?
https://www.modainpelle.com/boots-c4/ankle-boots-c45/anaglitzi-jet-black-suede-p13936

I love my Docs I have a few pairs of the platform type thankfully my DH has never said or requested I wear high heels and tight fitting clothing he'd have been shown the door as quick as he said it.

Op please don't be forced to change who you are and what makes you happy and comfortable for some dickheads sexist thought that women should be prancing around in uncomfortable footwear and tight clothing just to please him sod that.

I definitely don't wear what's considered girlie. I like Doc style boots or converse.
I hate heels and would feel weird so if I need to go somewhere wear docs or cons really aren't appropriate I will wear a nicer boot maybe with a more pointy toe and small heel so it's does like more feminine bit still me
I wouldn't change who you are or what you wear for anyone. If you were a bit Emo it's hard to conform to the girlie style.
My style was always more rock so I lean that way.
Wear your docs. Get pink ones if necessary