DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

Hi, I’m trying to do the opposite because I’ve been on here a couple of years and I thought the control freak sugar daddy would be the stance other people would take from this post.
Hes absolutely lovely in every other way, I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to make me feel insecure or trap me at all!
Thank you for your insight!

Absolutely brilliant !!! I think I love you 😆 🤣

Oh no it gets worse!
Seriously your look is part of you. It matters not if you dress for comfort, have alternative style or dress like barbie - that's how you chose to reflect yourself to the world.
Its not up to him to tell you how to do that.

This clearly matters to him because he's pointing out where you are going wrong (in his eyes). It will always annoy him that you aren't the person that wears little dresses and heels even if you do. Because that's not you is it.

Don't do it op - he is asking you to MASK, just don't fucking do it. Find someone who likes you the way you are. I would give this advice to anyone, but it is especially important for ND people, when we already have to work so hard to be in the NT world.

I love all these suggestions thanks so much everyone! It’s helped me realise I don’t have to fit the “trashy” love island trope to make slight alterations to what I wear.
The thing is he does so much for me, he’s there for me when I need him, he’s a great partner all round and it’s not about the money at all! But without him I wouldn’t get to do all the fun experiences we do together (I am skint so can’t pay my own way as much as I would love to).
He likes to pay for me and I’m pretty sure if I sent him a pair of shoes I wanted he would buy them for me! Hence I want to look nice, without losing myself in his personal preferences. Thank you everyone.

he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him.
Stop it. Unless being a 'kept woman', 'mistress', 'prostitute', or perhaps 'submissive wife' is your aim.
Your style is your style. You don't have to change it for him - you shouldn't, to do so is an affront to your authenticity. He either accepts you as you are or each of you moves on, separately.
Being ND should help you here. We know right from wrong. We aren't desperate for partners.
Notice the way he is undermining you, by pointing out other women he thinks dress the way he likes. It sounds to me like Mens Rights stuff. Pick up artists and incels. Andrew Tate. Men with ideas about what women should or shouldn't be. He's trying to change you. Fuck that. I'm not a sex doll and nor are you.
Make it clear you will be who you are. If he doesn't like that, he has to go.

No, no & no 😡
I'd tell him to get to fuck personally, he's trying to wear you down and mold you into what he requires. Again, fuck no.
For me this one would be in the bin, don't give a fuck how much he treats you.

You should want to look nice for you. That he gets the benefit is beside the point.

Wear shoes for him occasionally if you really want to but don't change yourself for him.

Says you. I have no wish to "aspire" to punk. It's conformity for unimaginative people who like to pretend they are edgy rebels.

as an aside, i recently bought these, and my family are horrified xD

Many, many NT women know right from wrong and aren't all desperate for partners, thank you.🙄

This. However I’d get some nice stilettos in his style from a charity shop - and ask him to wear them out to dinner. Say you’d appreciate him trying them first. So you can see how comfortable they are.

And don’t let anyone pay for you.

I don't like the sound of this. He pays for dates so he thinks he gets a say in what you wear? And his preference just so happens to be for tight dresses and high heels? Hmmm. Sounds like either some sort of kink or maybe you're just not as compatible in worldview as you thought.

I personally would not dress up to please a man regardless of where we went or who paid, and think a good partner would want you as you are.

Also, I suppose he's unaware that tight fitting clothes and high heels have long been out of fashion... even if you were into mainstream fashion it's all baggy jeans and clumpy flat shoes now!

None of the above qualifies him to make such comments to you.

These are all very good points. Is it such a bad thing, however, to want the “princess treatment”? I’m not driven by money or by work. I’ve never had a dream job - I’d love to be a mother and live on a farm and look after the house and children. I couldn’t cope with commuting into the city for more money. My career of choice is low paid but something I love. As a ND person this is important to me as I have strong values regarding meaningful and ethical work.
So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!) ?

😂 You've got to be desperate for a fight to take offence at that! Good luck to you!

YANBU!
Be yourself, be you.
If someone loves you they love you no matter what...

just nswering this bit - My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!)?

NO! Not reasonable. Be You, be 100% authentically you. do not change yourself for a man, ever.

No offence taken. Merely pointing something out. 🤔

To add, I saw that really high heels are coming back in. Lots of skyscraper block heels, 1970s styles advertised.

Such a shame as women will feel pressured into wearing them and they will feel so uncomfortable after the freedom of trainers and DM boots.

'I’d love to be a mother and live on a farm and look after the house and children'

How are you going to afford to do this? Are you saying you are willing to assimilate yourself into the person your partner wants to achieve this? If so, Jesus, there's a lot going on here.

If this were me in my twenties, and it kind of was, I would dump this guy, focus on studies, figure out next steps, become comfortable with myself and then be open to meeting a potential life partner.

My XH had strong opinions on my clothing, hair, posture, etc. I am much happier without him in my life.

My current partner doesn't care what I wear. It's me he cares about.

Does he understand how his comments make you feel? If he does and still says the same kind of thing, I think you would be better off without him.

Also, you're here, you've asked the question and hit Post, so you know he's being unreasonable really. Perhaps just hoping you were wrong?

That’s not the entire life plan of course! I’m not talking about being one of these TikTok tradwives!! But I will always be on a lower income than him even when I do go full time.

I can understand the way you're thinking, but be very careful of men who seem to want a princess-type girlfriend to pay for and spoil with treats (and dress up). They're very rarely looking for an equal partnership and they're unlikely to have much respect for women in general.

If it's just a bit of fun, enjoy it and let him pay. But keep your head screwed on and don't end up dependent on him.