DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

But isn't feminine just "something that women tend to wear"

Which DMs are ?

The shoes he hates so much!
What’s worse is that I bought these at around that price with one of my first wage slips at 18! And they’re still good as new despite constant wear 🥲

Does he think you're not "feminine"?

As bad as the boyfriend....sure....😂I was just pointing out that there are lots of ways to refer to a slightly alternative style that don't involve an anti-feminist trope. Why not call the aesthetic what it is - an artsy/vintage/punk type look.

I just meant the aesthetic! I just googled it myself and oops… think I mean vintage/artsy indeed

You're still very young your style will evolve naturally as you gain confidence.

I suggest you look at eBay and search for second hand shoes, boots from Irregular Choice. I like Embassy of London. I've some boots that a lady oohed over the other day and I'm in my sixties 😂

"Women's – Embassy London" https://embassylondon.co.uk/collections/womens

@cocunut I'm with the wear what you want and whatever you feel comfortable in crowd. I definitely don't think you should change who you are (even in dressing style) for anyone.

But(and it's a very big but here), if you really want to try I'd suggest you first have a conversation with him and figure out exactly what he has in mind and whether there's any compromises to be had.

If he only wants bright, bodycon, stilletos things , then explain to him that it's not going to happen.

If he'd just like girlier and you're willing to try, you might want to try something with a platform/chunky heel, or flat greek style sandals etc. Maybe some 50's style dresses with funky patterns , that kind of stuff. Things that are still you.

What shoes do you want to wear?
Wear those.

Yeah he may be

There aren’t compatible. Similar types tend to join together. She needs a manic pixie dream boy type

I agree that you shouldn't feel you have to dress to please a man.

However if you want to try and please him then you could try and compromise a bit for example you could try a pair of more feminine flats for date nights and formal events. Wears My Money on Instagram often posts about elegant dressy flat shoes if you need inspiration. Don't feel you need to wear heels if you don't like them, they are awful for feet, legs and backs.

The other option would be a pair of heels just for the bedroom but only if you feel comfortable with that idea and he likes the idea.

It depends whether his issue is sexual attraction or more of an image thing.

If he is being nice and genuine and just doesn't like your Dr martins (which is fair enough in my opinion) then you could use this as a time to try some new styles that you are comfortable in and both like - e.g. try a few dresses/ outfits that you actually like, and some boots and shoes (maybe try a low block heel or trainer) that you actually like and feel confident in. You could also do the same in return and get him to try some stuff as well.

If he is being unreasonable and controlling - then you should force him to wear an equivalent style that he hates as much as you hate the Oh Polly style, and see how he reacts. I wonder how he will feel going out looking like early 2000's Justin Timberlake, or in Hareem pants etc.

P.s. I love fashion and work in the fashion industry - I would not recommend wearing stiletto's unless you are very confident in them... Or any shoes that are very hard to walk in for that matter. I, as well as lots of my friends have sustained serious ankle injuries from these shoes - and leg injuries are not sexy! Neither is waddling round like a duck in stilettos if you can't walk in them properly!

Funnily enough OP, I came across a guy on Instagram yesterday who was very smart and tailored in a traditional suit. His was a men’s style page.

He was talking about couple styles and he said he used to believe that couples should dress in a similar way and look ‘right’ together.
Then he met his wife.

Photos of them together then came up - she had short, almost punky red hair, was very casually dressed, not a ‘put together’ casual look, just nice, a bit scruffy.
I’d never have put them together but he obviously adores her and respects her style, and she his, despite them being so different.

But they were in their 40s so maturity and life experience on their side I suppose.

Not read the thread but....this is not "looking nice for your partner" this is changing who you are. Taste or lack off says something about you.

If he was into a certain look you didn't find appealing you might decide his tastes weren't compatible and move on. I for instance couldn't fancy someone who likes polo shirts or short sleeved shirts or too many logos.

Or you would suck it up because you really liked other things about him.
It's about compromise. You take people how they are or move on.

However if you want to try and please him then you could try and compromise a bit for example you could try a pair of more feminine flats for date nights and formal events

I am in my fifties and would never in a million years say this to my 19y daughter. I think it’s horrendous advice to give to young woman. I can’t believe in 2024 so many women think like this. Ugh.

He is very particular about what he wears but what’s worse is I ALWAYS think he looks nice! And there’s nothing about what he wears that I can throw back at him because I like the way he dresses.

OP, it would be one thing if you had posted saying that you fancied a change and were looking for ideas.

But you haven't. You've asked if you should compromise and be more stereotypically 'feminine' - not for you but for him.

You are not less feminine for being uncomfortable in short dresses or high heels. You can go through life without ever wearing than and you won't be missing out on anything. You don't need to compromise by finding a style you both like. You don't ever need to 'flash' a leg or a boob.

If you dress for him, he'll tell you you look great. That message will reinforce itself as he will never say it when you're wearing the clothes and shoes you like. Before you know it, his approval will be the measure by which you feel good or not.

You are fine as you are.

It’s just silly things that start off as a joke, like about the DMs. That then become serious and have me doubting what I wear. Then annother woman walked past our table in a restaurant and he’ll say things like “see how put together you can look in a nice pair of heels with a dress”. Never directly insulting what I wear, just small things. And if I’m wearing something which I consider a bit “out there” ie not something I’d usually wear at all, he’ll compliment me and say how nice I look! He always says I look nice but it seems to be more when I “dress up” that the compliments start flowing.

😮you take that back! I bloody love DMs! And they look gorgeous with a long flowy dress or skirt. Very 90s grunge.

OP tell him you think he'd look far more attractive if he dressed more emo/boho/goth (your choice) and why can't he just wear a more indie outfit for once.

If he keeps criticising your dress sense I'd dump him. He's controlling, you're young you should wearing whatever the hell you want. It doesn't matter how much money he's spends on you! If he wanted a girly girl in short skirts and heels maybe he should date one?

Oh aye, OP! He's negging you! Tell him to fuck off and find someone who appreciates you for who you are. NEVER EVER change yourself for a pathetic man!

My biggest piece of advice is to get together with a man who actually loves you as you are, not what he can make you into.

Heels never ever look good

Self harm is never a good look

Does he think that because he has bought all these things, he owns you and has a say on how you dress?

Maybe he thinks if he pay X amount of money on holidays and dinners, it gives him certain rights?

You aren't a vending machine op. Beware the man who behaves like this. They can sometimes be revealed as misogynists.

What happens when you say no to him? Is he still lovely and sweet? Or does he get angry?

Does he think that because he has bought all these things, he owns you and has a say on how you dress?

Maybe he thinks if he pay X amount of money on holidays and dinners, it gives him certain rights?

You aren't a vending machine op. Beware the man who behaves like this. They can sometimes be revealed as misogynists.

What happens when you say no to him? Is he still lovely and sweet? Or does he get angry?

Ditch the boyfriend.
Wear the DMs.

Absolutely big fat fucking NO to all of this!