DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

Imo you deal with this sort of stuff the same way you deal with a man pestering for anal sex. Him first.

It doesn't have to be stilettoes. There are plenty of different styles of shoes that doesn't involve risk of breaking your ankles. 'if" you really want to have a change on occasion.

He thinks he should have a say in this because there is a power imbalance in your relationship, as he pays for everything.
This isn't a healthy relationship.

These are quite high and will not be very comfortable if you're not used to wearing heels.

If you like that style, you could look at this style which is quite similar but flat.

In general high heeled shoes with a block or wedge heel will be much more comfortable than a stiletto so you could also look at wedges and espadrilles like the ones Kate Middleton used to favour for summer, and knee high or ankle boots with a block heel for the winter, which will look a bit dressier than DMs but be much more comfortable for you than either of the styles you have linked to.

Some of your partners comments are a bit patronising. I'm thinking of the "see how put together you can look ...."
However if you want to look a bit more feminine for a date without feeling uncomfortable in high heels how about a pair of ballet flats?
https://dresslikeaparisian.com/how-to-wear-ballet-flats/

You’re not compatible. He doesn’t like your style. The more he comments on it, the more it will affect your self esteem.

Dump him and find someone who loves you in your Doc Martens just as much as you do!

This guy is not the one.

Glad I am not the only one who decides what to wear after I have chosen which pair of IC I want to wear!

I usually go for a plain black dress as imo the shoes are the statement so low effort all round!

I went through an Irregular Choice phase. I gave them up when I finally accepted that they are the most uncomfortable shoes I've ever owned. I can do height, but my feet just don't work with them.

Serious injuries involving high-heels are not "very common" in A & Es. My A & E consultant offspring had a good chuckle at that...he's never seen 1 in his career!

Sports injuries are common, including serious ones causing long term damage are common.

Is there not a compromise between DMs and stilettos? Can you buy some less chunky shoes without a massive heel that might work better if you're going somewhere 'nice'. I am absolutely in the camp of where whatever you're comfortable in btw, just trying to think of an alternative shoe that doesn't make you want to cry - I also say this as another woman who cannot bear high heels.

Dr martens do heeled boots now....

So you’ve gone from injuries caused by high-heels being VERY common to sports injuries being common. A complete non-sequitur!
If you visit any A & E I can assure you you’re not going to find many examples of either.

Page 20, Op hasn't been back in over 24 hours, since page 10

prob out with the bf buying the silly heels she suggested.

never did give his age even after being asked...

You're shouting at the wrong poster. I made the sports comment because the "high heels cause injury" comment is so ridiculous.

Sports do cause injuries. High heels don't.

I had surgery due to damage caused by high heels and was off work for five weeks so I beg to differ that they never cause injuries!

What a dick.
Wear whatever you like, it's your choice not his.

Tell me where I said they “never” cause injuries.

There’s a big difference between “being a very common cause of A & E injuries” and never.

Apologies!