DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

It’s so not fine he’s trying to make you a bit girlier. Ugh.

I have never seen a single one of my 24yr old ds many female friends in a pair of heels, and DEFINITELY not stilettos. Not once. They all wear Doc Martins, Converse, Vans, whatever, platform versions of these, and they all look bloody fabulous.

Not once has my ds commented on their shoes or style of dress and suggest they should be girlie or change in any way, and I’d be very surprised if any of his male friends had.

🤮🤮🤮

"So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own"

If you want to have a job that you love but can’t pay for “lovely” days out, then you do without the days out I’m afraid. That is how the world works. If you want the days out, you go out and earn them. There is no such thing as a free lunch, when you make a choice, you give up something else. You’re young and dreaming of being this man’s kept wife even before you’ve moved in with him. But at what cost OP, nothing in life comes free. You will find this out over time.

That sounds awful. I'd feel so trapped.

MPDG is not something to aspire to. 🤮

You mention you’re in your early 20s, how old is he? I’m in my early 30s and I honestly don’t know anyone who would go out in heels now unless it was for a very special occasion like a wedding or graduation!

It sounds like your style is very presentable and I’m assuming you are clean and tidy! He is unreasonable to say you are “ruining” outfits by wearing shoes you like. It’s not kind and it’s down to a matter of taste.

How would he feel if you made comparable statements about his appearance and clothing?

Don’t change for him - you’ll only feel uncomfortable and not like yourself. Coming from a fellow ND, you need to be comfortable!

Nobody wears heels and tight dresses. I have literally never seen this. The shoes you’ve linked are 🤮

Please please don’t change for him. I’m not keen on the idea you feel you should maybe look more girly (shoe wise at least) because he pays for lots of things. Stay true to yourself. My ex was like this, his particular thing was women’s hair should be long. I liked having long hair but I resented the fact he made it clear short hair was a no-no. I wouldn’t put up with this kind of nonsense now.

Oh yes, just to add, high heels are very dated now. High heels and short dresses sound horribly tacky and out of date.

Really? Do you think it’s not genuine? I can never work these things out.

Op I think you should wear what you want to.

But if you feel like broadening your style a bit then why not start with some ballet pumps (maybe the weaved style ones with open toes) or flat strappy sandals, gladiator sandals etc that go really nicely with maxi dresses. But don't go changing your style completely to short dresses and high heels for him. Maybe just a little tweak so you and him feel more comfortable at smarter venues.

You're who you are and clearly know what style you like and feel comfortable with. Don't try turning yourself into someone you're not - he either accepts you for who you are - if not, go and find himself his ideal girl, leaving you free to be yourself with someone who totally accepts who you are.

Keep your style OP!

I personally don't like DMs With a nice dress as I do think it spoils it slightly but that's just my opinion. You do you!

Was just coming on here to suggest these!

Perhaps you could pick some together? Some are really "out there" but some are more "normal" but not particularly high heels. Defo more girly than DM's so might be a nice compromise for going out out

This thread is so depressing.

Why are people linking to shoes? They’re not for the OP, they’re for her boyfriend. And Irregular Choice will not be the style he is alluding to come on now. If she wants to please him, she might as well go straight to the fuck-me heels because that’s clearly what he’s talking about.

You are his protégée, OP. Good luck.

How about some trainers for an in-between shoe?? But sometimes it's nice to dress up for a special occasion

He has a lot of inner beauty. 😄
I love renovating destroyed houses and I always tell him he was my first successful project.

If you want to ditch the doc martins occasionally i would go for a less chunky ankle boot as a compromise. Mid heel (block heel not stiletto). Or wedge sandle if warmer.

Strappy sandals are the least comfortable shoes not ones to start with.

What do you do? Get rid of your lame boyfriend and find someone who doesn’t try to tell you what to wear.

I collect Irregular Choice shoes!

They are the only 'lady shoes' I own! My style is a bit 'This is England' and I know that my DH doesn't particularly like it but he likes me so there we go!

However, verrrry occasionally I will get a bit more dressed up and I will choose a pair of my Irregular Choice and choose my outfit around them!

Incidentally, Vinted are cracking for excellent condition, boxed IC's!

Wear what you like and don’t change for a man! He shouldn’t be telling you what to wear in the first place. I had one boyfriend like that in my twenties, turned out him telling me how to dress was just the start of a controlling and manipulative relationship. To me those kind of comments on your clothes are red flags.

But it’s her duty to change for him because he spends money on her. Apparently.

Here you go OP. Men's high heeled boots. When he's wearing them then you can consider it.

www.asos.com/se/asos-design/asos-design-bruna-ormskinnsmonstrade-chelseaboots-med-klackar/prd/205003409?affid=28468&_CjwKCAjw8diwBhAbEiwA7i_sJWPfDBSJGDI40fJoeKij7_IfbiZLKZFfeLKGi6I1rn7Wjpd_TRS8xxoCYNgQAvD_BwE&channelref=product+search&ppcadref=21006247142%7C%7C&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw8diwBhAbEiwA7i_sJWPfDBSJGDI40fJoeKij7_IfbiZLKZFfeLKGi6I1rn7Wjpd_TRS8xxoCYNgQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Do you ask him to wear different, uncomfortable footwear just for you? Thought not. If YOU want to wear something less practical sometimes entirely down to you. But shoes where you can't walk or get away from danger - not for me ta.

Your body, your choice.

You shouldn't have to compromise at all, but if you do want to have some different shoes for date nights etc, there are lots of other styles to explore. In the summer you could find some comfortable flat sandals which suit the style of clothes you are wearing, and in winter you could perhaps look at different styles of boots which are maybe a bit more "feminine" but still comfortable.

I absolutely wouldn't be squeezing yourself into tight dresses or wearing uncomfortable heels if you don't want to.

You could always buy him a pair of heels in his size and make him wear them around the house for a weekend and then see if he still thinks you should be wearing them for his benefit.

Wear what the fuck you want.