DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

Ofgs.

Well, he's sure trying to make you feel insecure. The question is, will you let him? Or follow your own instincts, stay true to yourself?

I think staying with this guy will make any insecurity worse

That's how they start to control you - make your doubt yourself

You’re just different and want different things.

This is so helpful, just the kind of response I was looking for when I posted this. Thank you!

In my early twenties I would have written pretty much this exact message.

In my early forties I would be out of there right now. Wear what you want, OP, unless it's offensive or you're having to adhere to some kind of temporary strict dress code, don't ever let ANYONE, but especially not a life partner, tell you what you should be wearing. And hinting that they don't like your stuff is the same as coming out and saying that they hate it, it's just a more subtle aggression.

No no no, absolutely fuck no.

Does he look nice for you? Would he be uncomfortable and damage part of his body if you bought him dinner?

It doesn't have to be as stark a choice as stilettos or doc martens. They do sell more comfortable girly shoes.

(Btw I am ND too OP, I got married in the most awesome navy dress and ankle boots)

Do you know his shoe size, OP? If so, I suggest you order him a pair of these for his birthday:

Stiletto heels

As he loves high heels, I'm sure he'd be delighted with them. And after a couple of hours of walking round in them, he'll fully understand your reluctance to wear similar shoes yourself.

Here's an example of the sort of thing I mean.

High heels are really uncomfortable and will possibly hurt or even damage your feet.
He met you as you are now and shouldn't expect you to change for him.
At some point in the future, you might want to change your look yourself, and that's fine, but only ever do it for it yourself and not anyone else.

Op isn't a girl she's a grown woman
She doesn't need girlie shoes and she doesn't have to want girlie anything

If you want to try heels but don’t want to lose your style… one word Fluevog

https://www.fluevog.com/

You're very welcome! I realised you weren't after a feminist rant, but sadly this is Mumsnet so you will get one anyway. I knew exactly where you were coming from and I empathise with you a lot.

You've already said it - you're well within your rights to tell him to F Off!

You'll get similar sentiments all over this thread, so for the sake of providing another angle; could he think that you're not dressing appropriately for the places you're going? Trainers and DM's don't work everywhere. Or is he generally trying to feminine you up?

Heels are the devil. I gave up even trying with them when I was about 25 and it was the best decision I ever made.

I wonder if it is a bit of both. As I said in the OP I am ND so I struggle to read cues, I think fashion is one of them. But I don’t often feel under or overdressed when we go out? But you’re right they don’t work EVERYWHERE, and I do tend to wear them everywhere. We went to a restaurant once and weren’t allowed out on the terrace as it was “no boots”. I do think he’s trying to make me a bit girlier too, which is fine, but I want to do it myself in my own style iyswim!

Paying for meals together and trips can be a nice caring gesture from a partner. He does that which is nice (if it comes without strings attached).

You saving up and taking him out for dinner would be a reasonable way to show appreciation.

Changing your style and wearing clothes that make you feel bad ‘for him’ are not a way to thank him. Do not feel obliged to do this.

You can get high heeled doc martins :)

I'm similar to you - indie style usually - skater jeans/combats, and often trackies as I go to the gym a lot!

If my DH commented on my clothes and what I liked to wear then I wouldn't be with him, as I'd never date someone that shallow!

If your DH wants a short skirted high heel type then tell him to go and find someone else.

Damn these pesky women and their ‘feminist rants’ 🙄

I think the confusing part is the constant reference to "girly". Is that your term or his?
I've not heard of anywhere that would ban boots, but you can get DM shoes and even sandals, so no need to compromise your style.

Surely you can have fun without spending a fortune? I wouldn't be comfortable always being paid for, but maybe I'm unusually independent. I tell my husband that I don't need to be with him but I do choose to be with him!

My term, just what he’s implied. I think the better suited adjective would be “feminine”

Yes he's from the Sexist Twat tribe. Never change for a man (or womanl