DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

High heels are painful, uncomfortable and damaging. They slow you down, they hurt, they make you more precarious. Fine, some women love them and don't find them uncomfortable at all and run around in them every day I'm sure, but in my experience they are crippling.

I had a friend whose boyfriend started like this - just wanting her to dress a bit sexier, buying her a short dress, encouraging her into heels and lipstick and he ended up being a controlling and abusive nightmare. No man starts out being openly abusive, they all start out being nice. It creeps in, slow and insidious.

You have your style and you're happy with it. He can love your individuality and independence or he can go find himself a toy dress-up doll to put in heels and miniskirt to his heart's content and you can find someone who values who you already are and doesn't want to change you.

How old is he, OP?

Sorry, I've just seen your later post. I wonder why he was attracted to you, then, if he goes for the Barbie type and you're not like that. Can you ask him that? Did he think he could get you to change?

Don't change - would be the start of a slippery slope!

Keep your DMs.

But, perhaps you could introduce a pair of sexy heels in the bedroom? How would you feel about that?

Tell him that you love high heels and that he is more than welcome to buy himself a pair of four and a half inch Chanel heeled shoes

If YOU want to try heels. You can go for block heels or wedges. As they go with the indie maxi style.
or a flat form.

Look good in a way that makes you feel comfortable, you can listen to your partners concerns (re: unflattering cuts etc) but a blanket heels requirement is a no (in my book)

im mostly a doc martens and crocs person myself but occasionally I will do a heeled boot or stiletto.

but also heels are for - car to venue, to chair ,to car , to home. Not for walking around the streets like a fresher.

It could be an early warning of future controlling behaviour, or it's him simply telling you about a preference that you don't need to act on (as your relationship started with you as you are, with your DMs). Either way, don't buy the heels unless you want to.

FWIW, my DH doesn't like tattoos, but that hasn't affected me in any way. In fact, he is very artistic and helped me with the design for the flowers over my shoulders.

Suggest he changes something about himself.. Agree to be the new person for a few weeks. Compare your findings.
Then opt back if YOU prefer the original you.

We would have to talk about this - I’m still not quite clear on whether this is a sex/kink thing for him or whether he just wants me to dress in a certain way when we go out? Maybe that would be an idea to suggest though, thank you

You realise that you don't have to choose between DMs and high heels? There are in-betweens IF you feel genuinely that you want to try a new look. Flats and low heels. I'm all about comfort though.

If it's literally only high heels he wants rather than "not DMs" then that really is his problem.

Presumably he met you and chose to be in a relationship knowing how your dressed, so I’d continue how you are.

If he wants someone who wears heels, he needs to find someone else. It’s rare to see women wearing heels now.

Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t think you look great as you are though?

Buy HIM a pair of heels, ask him to walk around in them for an hour and see what he has to say after that.

I love DMs but even if I didn't, I would say dress for you not him. But I wouldn't be keen on him paying for everything - I think going halves is better at your age/relationship stage (would be different if you had taken a career break to have his child for example). He could treat you for birthday/Christmas presents but the rest of the time you do things you can both afford otherwise you start feeling like you owe him (I.e. you should dress how he wants or always have sex or not get an opinion on things he pays for etc).

I did not know MPDG was even a thing. I thought it was just a way to describe a style until I googled it a minute ago.

Thank you @aesopsgables, every day, is indeed, a school day ❤️

I don’t really know! I’m very different to the usual type he used to go for, but we have a lot in common and get on really well, we share the same political views, both on a similar intelligence level. The usual stuff!! I don’t know why he went for me!!

Your post is as bad as the boyfriend - OP can be MPDG (whatever that is) if she wants!
Edit: OK I googled it - not the nicest of descriptions, but maybe it's what op wants 🤔

@cocunut stick to your own style, he can like it or not - that's his decision.

I wish I could afford any of the stuff we like to do together! He loves treating me and we both still live at home so no huge outgoings. We’re saving up to buy somewhere but besides that we’re trying to have our fun now before all the bills weigh us down!

He knew what your clothing style was when you started dating, why is he trying to wheedle you into changing now?

Be true to yourself. Drop this man like a hot potato and go read some more feminist literature. You deserve better than this man. So much better.

But you are clearly very different. Style is very personal. And if your styles don’t match then you will always be mismatched like this.

Why if you prefer DM’s would you go out with someone who likes Barbie style women? This is about values and aspirations. And you are miles apart. Especially if it is important to both of you. And it seems it is.

People with less interest/less specific styles could rub along.

But you both seem to have quite pronounced and very different style types. Which indicates incompatibility.

Yes, yes yes 😁

I don’t think this relationship is a long term prospect. You will get so tired of this

I love DMs and don’t think you should change your footwear for a man, however if you wanted high heels that fit your style more maybe look at Irregular Choice? They’re beautiful!
https://www.irregularchoice.com/

It’s not that I don’t WANT to dress up from time to time. I just think we have different concepts of dressing up? But equally I really love some of these dresses and shoes I see… just, on somebody else. I can’t tell if it’s insecurity holding me back or staying true to my own style.

My DH will often comment of clothes of mine that he likes, or suggest that a certain dress or top might suit me. But he’d never try to change what I wear to meet his ideals.

Big nope from me.

My answer depends on whether you want to change your style or not. I'm a bit like you in that I was a bit of an ugly duckling at school (think tall, gangly, small tits, not a pin up type) I now wouldn't change that for the world and love my figure: I am forty but look ten or even more years younger than that. It took me a LONG time to figure out what my personal style was, and for ages I 'hid' in baggy skater gear and docs. It has only been in the last few years that my style has evolved and I have felt comfortable enough to show off my legs and/or cleavage. I don't think your boyfriend should be telling you what to wear, (and as for the trashy influencer 'Oh Polly' look, yuk!) but if you yourself would like to branch out a bit, it might be worth looking at some vintage 90s styles and magazines. A Kookai slip dress and a pair of vintage Manolos would be stunning and a world away from the low rent look, but still a bit more daring than your current style. It's all about you, though. Not your boyfriend.

Omg some of those are amazing! Very ME more than him 😂 thank you