DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

Did he come from 1995 in his Time Machine? Nobody wears heels and tight dresses anymore. You’d look ridiculous. If he’s so keen on them he can wear them himself. That said, this relationship has a sort of trophy girlfriend/sugar daddy vibe to it, so if you want to keep getting the goodies you may have to start wearing the stillies 😂

My Dh before we got married took me out for meals and holidays which he paid for (I was skint). He never once complained about me wearing flats, I’m not a bloody doll.

Good luck picking yourself out in a line up, never mind anyone else. Are they all beige?

How totally lacking in imagination. That is the full "Mum Boot" outfit!

See....you are not the only one who can be nasty

I don’t wear high heels or doc martens. There are plenty of other choices

I had one like this once. Always moaning on about my trainers. Always Adidas and always clean. I told him to fuck off and married another Adicollector instead.

No idea what you're talking about. Beige?! Picking myself out in a line up?! What's that got to do with anything? Mum boot??!

So I wouldn’t move to high heels. Not comfortable and doesn’t sound like you.

but are there are any shoes you might like that he might like? Maybe as an occasional change? But I would only do this if you genuinely like them.

I probably would point out that high heels are uncomfortable and can be bad for your feet/back.

OK, I kinda see his point about Doc Martens in certain settings. Even when I was young, and they were all the rage, there were places that I did NOT wear them. And outfits I did not wear them with. Fortunately for you, the choice is NOT between Doc Martens and high heels. There are a host of very pretty low-heeled or kitten-heeled (1/2") shoes to choose from. They are comfy to walk in. There are even dressy ballet flats out there. Get ONE pair of those in a neutral color, and break them out for "dressy" occasions. Other than that, stick with your beloved Doc Martens. It's a tiny compromise. It isn't a matter of changing who you are, so much as expanding who you can be, just a tiny bit.

We have very similar style. Albeit I'm much older. Please don't change. Be yourself and he should love you for that ❤️

One day you’ll look back on this relationship as The-One-You-Weren’t-Compatible-With.

i’m totally on board with the ‘earlier different tribes’ comment!

I think some PPs are missing the point. It doesn’t matter in the least if they like Doc Martens. The only thing that matters is that the OP likes them. She should ignore her boyfriend’s attempts to change her style.

But beyond the shoe issue is the OP’s troubling notion that she has a duty to wear what he wants because he pays for everything. I really hope that you find some strength and self-respect @cocunutand forget about this guy. He’s not a keeper.

I understand your situation,my DP asks me to wear heels,and altough I like the look I am not comfortable wearing them…I admit I do for short periods of time..but I hate when he asks.he always complements my look,but rather heels and tight fitting clothes.we have had arguments about the topic..he does not see it as controlling more a look he likes and thinks it’s okay to suggest what I should wear.its not something he asks day to day just when we having time together as a couple…he would argue it’s making an effort..

I am actually with him on the DM I think they look awful. My Dd however adores them and wears them all the time.

So she has DM and I tell her she looks lovely. She knows DM is not my style but its hers and that's her expression.

If you want to meet him somewhere in the middle have a look at DMs more shoe like styles perhaps he would be ok with that?

I don't think you can go to heels after DM ..

So, it's ok for YOU to tell OP how to dress?

Yeah. A & Es around the world are FULL of seriously injured high heel wearing women …NOT!

I dunno, I would probably meet halfway if going out somewhere special like something from irregular choice. Wouldn’t do the dress thing but would be happy to wear shoes instead of docs sometimes. Nit really any different from asking him to wear a shirt instead of a T-shirt or jumper.

To paraphrase Glennon Doyle:

Your first duty to yourself is to disappoint everyone else before you disappoint yourself. Especially when you’re weighing up self betrayal against the visual pleasure of a man.

Have you looked at 50s style shoes? They're girlie but with attitude imo.

I don't think I wore heels when I met my DH mainly cos he was just an inch or so taller than I am, but I did wear sandals and court-style shoes as well as boots etc.

I'm not going to comment on whether you should wear other shoes, I think that's for you to decide. Dr Martins as much as I love them, are not sexy....!!!

What would he say if you weren't able to to wear heels?
I used to clump about in 6" heels with 3" platforms when l was young, then 4 or 5" heels for years. Until l broke my ankle in 3 places when l was 40 and had to have it pinned and plated (nothing to do with heels, l was wearing trainers at the time).
I now have an artificial hip as well. I'd love to wear heels but l can't, l daren't risk it, my balance just isn't good enough.
Wear what suits you. If you've been together for two years, he should know your style by now. I assume it was the same when you met and started going out?
He's taken long enough to tell you.

Oh how wonderful.

I have never heard that before but it is so true.

firstly, yes, serious injuries requiring a and e are very commonly caused by high heels, and secondly, and actually far more expensive for the country, the long term damage costs millions of pounds in medical expenses, to the extent that some doctors have called for them to be banned

Get rid OP. There’s man out there who will let you wear DMs. Don’t waste more of your young years on this wanker:

• My career of choice is low paid but something I love. As a ND person this is important to me as I have strong values regarding meaningful and ethical work. So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!)*

I think you may need to reevaluate your strong values and ethical approach to work and what that actually means in practice. It sounds like you are in a position where you are either going to have to sacrifice the experiences that you cannot afford or the freedom to make choices about your clothes and self-expression, although it's hard to say how much this is self-imposed based on what you have written.

Your thread title says you have had arguments over your shoes, but the rest of your posts seem to suggest that it's more of a slow drip, drip or negative comparisons and mum-style sighs about you 'ruining' an outfit with shoes he doesn't approve of.

FWIW, I have changed my look several times over the course of my 20-year long relationship with my husband - either because of the work I did, the way I felt about my body, the irrational hatred my skin has for synthetic fabrics, and (most importantly of all) my own comfort. Aside from occasionally telling me I look lovely when I have obviously made an effort, my husband has barely commented on what I wear, has never been negative about any particular item and has only ventured an opinion when I have specifically asked him.

I too lead a lifestyle based on my passion which has meant sacrificing my earning potential to a large extent (and my husband does too, to be fair) and I have done it happily and with no hesitation and never considered changing that to have better holidays or nicer meals out.

If you are conflicted enough about the need for 'nice things' that you are considering compromising your sense of self to achieve it with someone who overtly wants to change you, then it might be worth properly exploring your priorities to make sure you're not losing yourself in the gap between your ethics and your preferred lifestyle.

My husband despises my birkenstocks and uggs. LOVES high heels. Hell will freeze over before I put on a high heel. They are torture, never again. I appreciate that is what he likes but they are my feet and I have my own style. I'd be in something too short, too tight and with painful shoes if left up to him. He is welcome to like any look that takes his fancy, that's not my responsibility though. I dress how I like. Stick with your lovely dms.

Hey OP!
I'm a bit like you I think in the sense of ugly duckling, turned emo teen where puberty made me considerably less ugly, now adult who likes more indie stuff, but my issues with heels is more pain related as I have issues with flat feet lol :')

I also have been told before that my choice of shoes is... Not always ideal.
I have White DM's I adore, many different coloured converses, and a load of almost army style boots that I adore too, plus sketchers just cause they're so damn comfy!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable tbh. It makes you feel nice to do things your other half likes for special occasions or date nights, I don't think that makes you any less of a feminist at all, just someone who wants to do something their partner will like. If he reciprocates I see no issue at all!

Now for advice!

Heels wise, I always felt like Bambi on ice in them, wobbly and on the verge of falling over- I'm quite clumsy in general tbh!

I'd imagine your partner likes your style, as he wouldn't have gotten with you if he absolutely hated it, so have you considered heels more down the goth alley?
They tend to be a lot easier to walk i as they're chunkier, but also a lot comfier I find!!
Weirdly I find that modern goth stuff gives off "adult emo" vibes so they might be up your alley!
I'll use Killstar as an example, but you can find similar much much cheaper elsewhere or second hand (Ik MN hates SHEIN but if money is tight and you actually get wear out of them rather than use it for 5 minute fashion I don't see much issue).

Heeled Boots;
https://www.killstar.com/collections/boots/products/broom-rider-boots-b

https://www.killstar.com/collections/boots/products/gloomed-and-doomed-boots

"Proper Heel" Heels;
https://www.killstar.com/collections/heels/products/basilisks-pumps

https://www.killstar.com/collections/heels/products/rare-breed-platform-sandals