DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

Thank goodness I'm not the only one. DMs or trainers worn with pretty dresses look awful. I'll never get used to it.

If he wants you to wear high heels so much, he can take himself off to Jimmy choo and get you a nice pair. He fell in love with you, stay true to yourself ❤️

Also please don’t refer to yourself as a manic pixie dream girl, that term is kinda demeaning and just another bs thing thought up by men x before I met my Dh someone really put me off them by calling me that. Side note I know lol but I hate that term lol

My husband pays for absolutely everything and did right from the outset when we first met in 1997. I’m a woman and love being treated as such. He has a deep sense of family and commitment and would never dream of me paying for anything.

Yikes! They are so not pretty! Turn off actually. Sorry, but I’m with your boyfriend. Nothing wrong with looking elegant in a sensible pair of heels. I would pull my husband up if he started looking sloppy.

I'm a Goth and if any bloke tried to change that I'd tell them to fuck off. Don't actually own any DMs at the moment, ankle boots and sneakers are my thing though. Haven't owned high heels in years. Boyfriend is perfectly happy with my style, and if he wasn't he wouldn't be my boyfriend! My style is what he found attractive about me when he first met me. 😊 He's quite eccentric himself, so we get on well together.

OP, start practising saying “I like them, I don’t want to hear anymore about it”. Also, “Don’t tell me how to dress”.
I’ve been with one of these for 30 years now. It’s very important that you wear the clothes/style that you like and are comfortable in. His job is to say “You look great”.
After 30 years I sometimes say “Are you wearing those runners?” To remind him how annoying it is when he does it.

I have a similar style to you OP and live in Docs.

I also dated this arsehole at the same point in my life and his abusive behaviour crept in with “oh if you just did x with your hair/wore x…” and insisting he paid for things. We were soooo similar though (until it became apparent that was part of his behaviour to reel me in).

Keep your docs and tread carefully. They’re a lot easier to run away in.

LTB

Just remember for every person who hates/dislikes the DM. There is an equal number who love them.

I don't wear DM. But I do wear 90% of the time, a pair of black mens workboots. Wore em today while out shopping in a flowy dress. Why? They're comfy, and they make me feel good. And that's the only thing that matters.

Your shoes are your choice. They make you feel good, comfy, confidant. He fell in love with you for who you are. If you start to make changes towards the way he "prefers" women to dress you'll be uncomfortable, and resentment will form.

Stay true to you. Rock that style!

Huh? Of course women still wear lovely dresses and heels. We don’t all come from the dregs.

He can be a very nice guy who pays for a lot of outings etc. and still NOT be your person.

Your styles are totally different, as are your views on this.

Sorry, but you need to keep looking for the person who will think the way you are is awesome and needs no changing.

Huh? Of course women still wear lovely dresses and heels. We don’t all come from the dregs.

Why dregs?

You aren't the only one to have doubts about this thread.

I'd ask him to start wearing heels first and you follow. Why should women have to be uncomfortable for the pleasure of a man.

Is it not enough we have periods, pregnancy , menopause, continuous risk of being raped/sexually assaulted, not being treated equally in society, lower pay.

Just say no.

Why do different generations love to group Gen Z as one? Bet you get upset when people generalise about people your age.

My husband calls my docs my "bitch boots" and I love them, always have. We sound very similar (including ND although not diagnosed until last year when I was in my 40s and my son was going through diagnosis)
If I am dressing up I go for irregular choice boots or shoes.
I understand wanting to dress up for someone else but the way you feel will impact you and your confidence. Rock your style your way

This my view.
I always ware flats for walking and work.
But dressing up and I gave heels.
Love them.
Sadly I'm getting so I can't ware them - various health reasons.

Have a rant yourself about his shoes and trousers telling him he is boring with his outfits and you would like he not ruining an outfit with those whatever he wears. See how he reacts.

You do Barbie if he agrees to do 'Just Ken', bleached hair and all!

Style evolves over time. I loved my Doc Martins and lived in them - I even ended up wearing them to a swish London wedding with a long floaty dress and jacket as it was too wet to wear my planned sandals!! My whole outfit was much admired........
Hippy chic was the description I think!!
I have a mixture of styles now in my 40s but still love my boots and floaty dresses/skirts. Do dress up too but struggle with heels (though do love them!)
You could try on other shoes and clothing to see if you find other things you like but don't feel forced into wearing short dresses or heels if you're not comfortable in them......

You sound very different to each other OP, and I have to be honest, you sound a lot cooler.

His style is what used to be more “conventional” in the 80’s, 90’s and noughties, but now would be seen as much less fashionable, less edgy and less on trend. Generally heels are mainly worn by much older women now (or those who are into aesthetic treatments such as lip fillers etc and idolise the likes of the Kardashians) and instantly age someone and make an outfit look tired. I think most posters criticising your look will likely be from one of those tribes.

Saying that, I think a low block heel/flat wedge can look good for an event, but I doubt he will be in to those as probably not “toxic feminity” enough for him! Women don’t need to dress themselves up as Barbie to look feminine, and if he can’t appreciate your feminity in DMs, boots or trainers, he probably has very old fashioned views of women!

Stick to who you are and what you wear, but I would pay for yourself. Your relationship sounds a little transactional?

Bin him.

I had something similar in my earlier 20s. Totally wrecked my confidence for a few years. It starts with your clothes but ends with your self esteem.

I have a fairly eclectic style, formed in my goth years,tempered through work years and open to anything I fancy. Dms to heels. Scruff to glamour. Dh has bits he likes and bits he doesn't. He hates my hamble oaks with a passion, but he's only allowed to comment because we've been together a looong time and he knows I don't actually give a fuck what he thinks. Just like he insists on wearing orange, even though he really shouldn't

The really disturbing thing here is that your post suggests that because he pays for things for you that somehow you owe him dressing differently. You don’t and as others have said he shouldn’t be making remakes about how you dress. It’s controlling and his paying for things might be a part of that. For me this is a red flag.

I would hate being married to someone so old-fashioned with deeply sexist views. Why would he ‘never dream’ of you paying? Why do you not want to earn your own money? Why does being a woman mean being paid for? This must be a joke post surely.

I have been with my husband since 1995 and am glad that we both work and have true equality. As well as sharing a love of family and commitment. As well as treating each other of course!