DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

Also, I am a die-hard DM wearer too, I have platform Jaxons in grey 😊 as well as a flat pair. I do mix up my footwear a bit and have a pair of colourful adidas, some gold Vagabond boots with mini heel for dressier events, and sometimes a pair of loafers. But mostly the DMs! This is the vagabond site, some good dressy not too high options here: https://www.vagabond.com/gb/women/footwear/boots/

Plus they can cause all sorts of pain in later years.

Not to mention they have the potential to make your feet look really ugly with the damage they cause. Though that could be said of any ill-fitting shoes.

I agree with the PP who suggested you ask him to walk around in a pair for a few hours before he even considers asking you to wear them.

And, yes, you can be a feminist while also wanting to look nice "for" someone.

You are younger than me but I just can't imagine my husband ever saying that he'd like me to wear high heels or dress any particular way. It's just bonkers to me. Would you ever want him to wear a particular type of shoe? Especially one that he wasn't comfortable in?

You say it's not controlling but it kinda is. Maybe you're just overthinking it but I guess talk to him and explain what your style means to you and if he has a problem with that he's really not the man for you (and also incredibly shallow to boot)

This isn’t about shoes.

I had an ex in my 20s when I would wear dresses and heels everyday asked me to wear a specific lipstick and stilettos with a mini skirt. He is now married to a woman who wanted to be a submissive wife to him. Luckily the very exclusive all girls school he was deputy head realised also what a creep he was and he no longer works there.

you seem to be willing to sacrifice who you are for money / lifestyle and he seems to be happy to have control and power in the relationship.

I am a bit like you. If I am honest with myself, I dress the way I do because I’m worried about getting it wrong if I try to dress more smartly. I would love to be more feminine, but I don’t know how, so it’s easier to look like I don’t care and I’m not trying.

I am probably projecting, but if there’s a part of you (like there is of me) that would like to look more feminine and ‘together’, then try for yourself. Feminine absolutely doesn’t have to be TikTok ridiculous, it can be smart and confident and flattering and I really wish I knew how to do it.

High heels are so naff. He has terrible taste.

Tell him to feck right off, just because he treats you to nice things etc does not mean he can tell you what to wear and trying to make you feel insecure. I wear lots of black always have and dress how I want and not what fashion dictates as think so many dress like Las Vegas hookers now. Seems that is the kind of look he is going for. I like alternative and comfy and always wear boots of some kind. I am comfortable in my own skin and am not one for dressing up for someone else. I was with an ex in my late 20's and he liked me to wear dress and little heels and I did but it was not the las vegas hooker look but it just was not me. He did not like my chunky heel runners that was in at the time but I loved them. Don't change who you are for anyone and nice that you have your own style, maybe you need to change your boyfriend before your Boots.

If you describe yourself as MPDG, then you are dressing as much with pleasing men in mind as you would be in heels and body con. Its just a different trope. Admittedly a more comfy one! With that in mind, I don't think you need to muddy the waters by bringing a feminist slant to what is after all just a difference in opinion on what sort of feminine presentation is most appealing to men.

He sounds like a vain twat but I do have to agree that those Doc Martens are hardly feminine
He does sound extremely vain though

"I am a feminist"
"I want to look nice for him"
"I was looking at high heels...."

Do you see the issue? Partly him wanting to change you but mainly you, thinking about changing for him.

Keep the shoes, dump the dickhead.
Find a man who will adore the real you and believe me there are MANY!!

My social life involves a lot of male mates who bemoan the fact that so many women dress to this instaperfect model asthetic, when what they want is a real life woman who will cheerfully chuck on the docs and meet them in the mosh pit. I suggest you find your nearest metal pub and go there!

FWIW I bought an amazing dress for a "posh frock" NYE party this year (last year. a few months ago, whatever!) it was black obviously, but still ball gowny. Bought some shoes that went with it but I felt like an utter prat in. Put it on with the shoes and DP said "You just dont look very happy in it" and I said that I didnt like the shoes. He suggested I try some of my docs. I decided on the metallic pink pair, he said I looked amazing and I felt amazing. I got so many women saying that they wished they had worn their boots/trainers as their feet were killing them. Most were shoeless by the end of the evening!

If he likes heels that much, he can fucking wear them

Anthropologie
Urban outfitters
Oliver Bonas

All spring to mind when thinking about a slightly dressier version for people who like DMs, also Vivienne Westwood but it’s v expensive.

Block heels I like Dune, wedges from virtually anywhere should be ok (google ‘block heel’ or ‘wedges evening wear’), next and new look shoes can be comfy too. Clarks comfy. And for cool and popular flat sandals - Birkenstock (not nighttime).

Even lipsy, the slightly posher version of what I would have classed as tart wear, has gone longer length… so really your partner is not on the money there, but perhaps reasonable if you’re going to a posh restaurant that the dms aren’t appropriate.

Happy shopping.

Another beyond depressing post! Just to be clear, in response to your first paragraph, no we wouldn’t! I couldn’t give a shit what my “man” (bleugh) wears, he’s a grown adult, he can pick himself. And your second paragraph, “you might as well make the most of your fab body while you have it”. It’s fucking wild you can write something like that. So sad for you and anyone else who buys into this crap.

i think that’s an incredibly helpful and supportive post for OP because my sense is that’s exactly how she is feeling. I think she has an underlying lack of confidence ( from days long gone) and, having found a style she knows how to pull together and which she feels comfortable in, she has become a bit trapped - which is a shame when she is at the age she should be getting max joy from experimenting if she is interested in clothes, which she clearly is. But experimenting is all about finding what makes her feel good- and the right guy will find that attractive.

Irregular Choice shoes are fabulous but they aren't made for walking miles, certainly not the high heels. To go from DM boots you might need something more comfortable to start... have a look at Gabor shoes, they have some very comfortable dressy / heeled boots as well as ballet flats and court shoes.

Would you like to feel comfortable wearing dresses and pretty shoes? Is he actually trying to give you the confidence? If so, don't go straight to high heels but somewhere in-between. I wish I had the confidence to wear dresses more often but don't want the attention of people noticing!

@cocunut

focus on your studies and career op - there must be something that you feel interested in and enthused by

and then you can fund your own nice experiences, and dress exactly as you want

I prefer designer stubble on men and DH prefers long hair on women. But that's not what we like on ourselves. We accept each other as we are.

My ex, I knew, didn't like particular things I wear. I had less confidence in my style then and I regret that I let him influence me in that way.

On the other hand - there are shoes which are neither DMs nor stilettos which could be a happy medium and suit your style whilst looking a bit lighter?!

My ex went nuts when I said I wanted to where a pair of converse as they are casual with jeans and he accused me of wanting to attract skater boys. But he would also say I look over dressed in boots what he would call fuk me nows can't bloody win

https://www.asos.com/prd/204962312?acquisitionsource=pasteboard

what about black ankle boots?

fyi I think you should only dress for yourself not a man, and whatever youre comfortable in! Him paying doesn’t mean you owe him pretty. But if its for yourself that’s different. Feminism is about choice, don’t let him dictate yours with his wallet.

I hate grunge style/DMs/trainers and I hate Oh Polly / short tight dress style. I find both unsophisticated and immature, personally. Sort of thing teenagers wear. I agree with others there is a happy medium. A nice shirt dress from equipment with feminine boots, a midi reformation dress with pumps... something like that.

I never wear heels and wear flat sandals, boots and trainers.
Going against the grain here but I have never liked DM boots or shoes.
My husband wears trainers almost everywhere - not trendy ones but those used for running and look like longboats. I really dislike them and bought him some brown suede boots which he won’t wear. Really wish he would - it would show me that he cared about what I think! He could look so lovely and he’s a great other half.
Your post reminded me that I have done a similar thing to what your DP asked of you. I still wish that the trainers would go.

I really don’t like the sound of this man and I agree with the PP that he sounds like he’s negging you and has some toxic ideas about women. But honestly OP “wanting the princess treatment” or more accurately wanting a man to fund your lifestyle is completely unreasonable not to mention risky - relying on someone else’s money is all well and good when it’s just holidays and meals out, but what about when it’s everything - your house, your spending money? If the relationship goes sour you need to be able to afford to leave.

If you want a certain lifestyle either you aim to provide that for yourself, or you live within your own means. It sounds like you want him to bankroll you indefinitely? Not a great equal dynamic.

@cocunut As a fellow DM wearer/collector/obsessive I agree that Irregular Choice is a good way to go. They are expensive but.....get your ass on ebay or FB Marketplace. A lot of women buy them for a one off event and then sell them, you can get them for a song. I own several pairs of the Peach Melba shoes and they originally cost £180 I think, the most I paid for a pair (worn once) was £37.

But I say again....only if you want to.

Oh dear, I must be mutton dressed as lamb then. 😂

I think doc martins are the ugliest things ever. But you shouldn't let yourself be controlled by him.