DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

will doubtless satisfy no-one, but DR Martens do come with heels (sorta). Women's Heels | Ladies Heeled Boots & Shoes | Dr. Martens (drmartens.com)

I love a good heel but avoid these strappy stiletto types. You’ll be in agony 10 minutes into the evening.

Your dress style is clearly very much part of who you are, it’s not something you can change. There’s a couple of things I have I know my partner doesn’t like, so I wouldn’t wear them to his birthday dinner - but it’s your whole style that’s in question here.

Taking you out for nice dinners doesn’t mean he’s renting you - I know you know that really, but it’s worth remembering - you in a mini isn’t his side dish.

He hasn't asked you to wear girly dresses and short skirts or high heels, only said that your Doc Martens don't go with the pretty, floaty dresses you wear. I agree with him. Floaty dresses need elegant shoes and whatever else they are Doc Martens are not elegant. Look for low-heeled courts (avoid kitten heels, they wear out all the time and cost a fortune in re-heeling) and low-heeled strappy sandals to go with those lovely indie dresses, but don't bother with high-heels, they are neither comfy nor practical (and he isn't bothered about them from what he has said)! Save the Doc Martins for the jeans, with which they will go very well.

You know he's an arse for asking what he does. But if you want something more comfy for yourself but height adding try those wedges type summer shoes to go with long maxi dresses. They're my go to when my casuals won't cut an ocassion but i cant face the proper high heels anymore. New look do a great thicker heel range too which is more comfy.

Definitely compromise sometimes when you are out with him, but don’t go as far as uncomfortable high heels. Just a more conventional comfier shoe/boot.

I love the doc Marin look but there is a time and place for them. Mix and match.

You wear what you feel comfortable in. I used to wear wedges to go out out in. I have broad feet so can't wear proper heals. Then I found a lovely flat pair in TK Maxx so just wear them to go out out in now.

No man is worth giving up a pair of beloved, comfy docs for!

Would he wear a pair of for you, if you told him you like men in them? Doubtful.

He needs to either give up nagging you to change or move on.

Don't change yourself for a man, OP.

I'm a year younger than you. What you're describing sounds like the 1870s, not the 1970s.

I didn't have a "be careful" view on this until this “see how put together you can look in a nice pair of heels with a dress”. I find a teeny red flag in comparing your looks with those of other women.

What do I do? Do I just suck it up
I cant believe you said that OP.
I would serve it STRAIGHT back to him. I would act like he's not my type & start pressurising him to dress to please me (I'd make sure it was a look he would never be comfortable with of course)

Don’t change yourself for a man. You do not owe him “pretty”.

If my daughters thought they had a “duty” to look nice for a man who spent money on them I would be so so disappointed.

Someone at the start of the thread said Docs are ugly. They aren't. They're clompier than what I wear (Lanx and Joseph Cheaney) but they are not ugly . It's all subjective but those pairs of shoes, to my eyes, are extremely ugly and dated.

As for your boyfriend and all the posters criticising boots and dresses, I got this in an email recently from Cabbages and Roses. A brand which specialises in the hippy/ dippy/ ditzy/ artsy/ looking like a Thomas Hardly heroine look.

Boots looking fabulous with dresses

OP. You are in your early 20's? You've been with this nob end two years?? Ditch him! You owe him nothing. You certainly don't owe him a dollied up version of yourself in return for him taking you out for the odd meal or holiday, bloody hell. You are your own woman, have some self-respect and find someone who likes you for the person you are, rather than some pornified stereotype.

Personally, I'm 50, I live in DMs in winter and Converse or Teva sandals the rest of the time I enjoy walking comfortably and I like DMs with dresses. Yes they DO go with everything! But more importantly they're supportive (my physio loves her patients to wear DMs!) and comfortable and I feel I can walk around a lot further in DMs than in pretty much anything, bar actual hiking boots.

You're not his fantasy, you're a real woman. Wear what you like, and sod him. Dare I say it, you may look back on this period of your life and shake your head - as you get older, you'll develop more confidence in yourself and in your ability to remain true to yourself and tell controlling bastards like him to get knotted. Good luck!

Making fun of someone's shoes is tantamount to bullying.

If your DP wanted a girly-girl, he should've married her.

I love the indie/boho/pixie/emo type of look, and knew many people at college and university who had that look. It was manly creative and artistic types, complete individuals. It's a great look, and if that is you, then it's you!

No need to apologise, wear what you want!

DM are great for your feet too, unlike high heels which are the worst thing you can wear and pull your whole body of of alignment when you stand, let alone walk!

Stand your ground and be you!

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him.

Oh come on, seriously? How is this thread still standing 😆

I have just had a look at this ‘oh Polly’ thing…. Literally the new lipsy.

Tart central. @cocunut unless you want to look cheap and like a chav avoid at all costs… speaking of which I can’t believe the price of the dresses!! Looks like £15 not £80!!

I had a twat boyfriend like this once. Run for the hills.

Totally don't change for him! What you can do is find out what he likes about your current style (e.g. does he love your DMs but hate trainers) and compromise to wear the stuff he does like when you have a special night out?

He fell for you and still loves you for you, so he can't be that bothered. If he hated your look you would never have got together.

Fine to wear 'that blue shirt which I always think looks so great on you' to please him. Not fine to buy stuff you hate. Don't even start down that road.....

Can you imagine saying to him, “your hair just isn’t quite right, it makes you look like a sissy. I want a manly looking man. Can’t you ruffle it up and also don’t shave for a few days. I want to see and feel the stubble.”

Would you? No you wouldn’t would you because you respect that he can choose to present himself to the world as he wishes.

He’s rejecting part of who you are and telling you it doesn’t please him. He’s trying to change you.

There will be another “nice, lovely man” who may even pay for dinners that will love you in your DMs.

Just because this knob has got money you’ve gone all googley-eyed.

It’s like because he pays for diners you’re obliged to dress according to his tastes. Aren’t you selling yourself out? Trading diners for heels and sexing yourself up for him? Bit weird to me. Doesn’t sit right.

True this

He basically wants you to look like a hooker 😯 I’d ditch him and find another indie kid instead.

There has been a lot of kindly meant advice on this thread re compromising and trying more feminine versions of her current style but I feel they are missing the point.

Still, I kind of hope OP takes this advice as then she will hopefully wake up and see what many of us in this thread can see. That he will see this as a capitulation but not far enough - and he will keep pushing (now he has the go ahead) .

Prettier shoes will not be enough. He won't be happy until she goes full "Barbie".

I can almost hear him saying "well it's better, but it's not quite what I meant."

He knew what your style was when he started dating you though?

YANBU for exactly this reason.

Appearance is definitely significant but insisting someone change is weird and a losing battle.

I personally don't find an alternative/indie style on a guy attractive.

You know what? I just don't date guys who have this style.

I can't start dating someone with this style and then say....can you throw away your band T-shirts and converse and take your piercing out and cut your hair as I'm embarrassed! It's his body his choice.

Thinking back to dating in my 20's, it was perfectly possible to meet guys who were up for commitment, good "catches" and happy to take on a more traditional protective dating role (if that's your preference) but didn't need the Daily Mail fitted flattering dress and make-up and wedges look.

Comfortable shoes and warmer clothes so you could have a night out without freezing to death was probably the priority!

In fact, looking at all the young trendies on IG, they all dress quite mismatched and baggy don't they? Even the posh ones.

The overly sexy/bodycon look is a bit like "helloooooo....
2000 wants its dresses back".

As an early 20 something woman you no doubt look absolutely amazing (and can get serious attention) wearing about anything.

A normal mainstream heterosexual man should not be examining your footwear to feel excited by you.