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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Different surname for full-siblings

189 replies

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 09/04/2024 14:26

Should full-siblings have the same surname,

DH and I have 1 baby boy, who we have given a double barrelled surname (with mine first, in the spur of the moment DH said he didn’t mind whose name went first). I have not changed my surname, we are married.

Since then DH has had some regrets about this and wants children to have his name only or his name first.

I am now pregnant again. DH has said “ah second. Child can have my name!” Joking - not - joking.

What would you ladies do? I want to be fair, but think it would be odd for siblings with same parents or have different surnames?

IABU: Husbands name for next child (or DH-my surname).
IANBU: Same surname for full siblings

OP posts:
BoxFoxSocks · 09/04/2024 14:27

Same surname. What an absolute pain in the arse it would be for everyone otherwise.

dementedpixie · 09/04/2024 14:28

Same surname
His name is included so why is he complaining?

Rubyroo73 · 09/04/2024 14:28

Keep the same - no good reason not to!

Rosesanddaisies1 · 09/04/2024 14:29

Has to be the same.

ConcernedCat · 09/04/2024 14:29

What a ridiculous thing for him to suggest. Obviously you keep the same.

PorkChopJohnson · 09/04/2024 14:29

Your first baby already has his name, your second baby can have the same name as his brother.

Original poster
Bananabreadandstrawberries · 09/04/2024 14:31

dementedpixie · 09/04/2024 14:28

Same surname
His name is included so why is he complaining?

That’s what I said today!

He said baby 1 is a “OP name”, baby 2 should be a“DH name”.

I don’t want him to feel let down by this. Is it a bit emasculating for a man to have children with this surname order?

We are both professionals where we are known/published by our names, so we aren’t changing our own.

OP posts:
2024theplot · 09/04/2024 14:33

Speaking from experience, if siblings have different surnames people will assume they're half/step siblings and they'll have to explain this to people all the time. Imagine your children's embarrassment at having to explain that they are full siblings but their dad was so insecure they couldn't have the same surname...
With double barrelled names, the first name is often dropped by people anyway, as in, if your child is Joe Jones-Smith, people are more likely to call him Joe Smith rather than Joe Jones.

Original poster
Bananabreadandstrawberries · 09/04/2024 14:34

PorkChopJohnson · 09/04/2024 14:29

Your first baby already has his name, your second baby can have the same name as his brother.

Haha thank you! Good way to put it!

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 09/04/2024 14:37

In my experience the second part of a double barrelled surname is more likely to be the one people use.

Glitterbiscuits · 09/04/2024 14:40

All my DC have the same double barrelled surname

DH and I married both kept own names

Child name,middle name DH surname-my surname

It followed better in this order but MIL thought DHs surname should be last. She was ignored.

In 25 years no one else has ever questioned the surname order.

Glitterbiscuits · 09/04/2024 14:42

No one has ever dropped either part of their surnames.
Both names are standard UK surnames.

One thing to think about if you do reverse the surname order is the siblings will never be together in anything that happens alphabetically

Original poster
Bananabreadandstrawberries · 09/04/2024 14:43

Glitterbiscuits · 09/04/2024 14:40

All my DC have the same double barrelled surname

DH and I married both kept own names

Child name,middle name DH surname-my surname

It followed better in this order but MIL thought DHs surname should be last. She was ignored.

In 25 years no one else has ever questioned the surname order.

Thank you for sharing your experience!

Interesting that MIL wanted your DH surname last. I didn’t know that was a thing!

Sometimes nursery puts baby initials as just my name, which seems to make a difference to DH.

I will share that with my DH and hopefully it sits better with him.

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 09/04/2024 14:44

Traditionally the order would be mother’s surname (maiden name) followed by Fether’s surname.

Knickerbockergrolia · 09/04/2024 14:45

Dh and I have different surnames, two kids together, the first has his surname, the second mine. It had caused precisely no bother whatsoever in 11 (so far) years. Not even a mention from school or anything. People might presume they are half siblings, but let them, never bothered us in the slightest

Stompythedinosaur · 09/04/2024 14:45

I would say the most important, longest relationship your baby will have is with his siblings rather than his parents. Them having the same surname is more important than your dh's feelings.

momtoboys · 09/04/2024 14:47

Your DH doesn't get to change the name now. Both have to be the same,

CRbear · 09/04/2024 14:51

Both have to be the same!

So odd that he’s fighting for the non traditional way round…most people with his sort of mindset seem to consider last position the “best”.

ChristmasFluff · 09/04/2024 14:51

DH could always change his name to be the same as theirs if it bothers him that much?

MintGreenC · 09/04/2024 14:51

So I sort of have this situation, my oldest has two surnames mine and exes but as soon as I named her everywhere immediately dropped mine and would only call her under his! So our other children have only mine (he wasn't happy about that but then he wasn't happy they had both anyway and wanted just his) we have split now and I'm glad I put mine with the others because nowhere calls DD my surname only exes, unfortunately I can't change it as he won't agree but different situation obviously and I've asked at school she's known as mine and she only knows herself as mine. But yes I do think people will assume not full siblings.

Knickerbockergrolia · 09/04/2024 14:54

I don't get all of the "siblings have to have the same surname" - why? Yes it's tradition, but plenty of traditions change over time, and now more women keep their surname - plus more blended families - families having different surnames doesn't seem like a big deal. Siblings have different first names, looks, hair colour, personalities, hobbies.... literally everything else. Why the fixation?

Original poster
Bananabreadandstrawberries · 09/04/2024 14:55

CRbear · 09/04/2024 14:51

Both have to be the same!

So odd that he’s fighting for the non traditional way round…most people with his sort of mindset seem to consider last position the “best”.

Didn’t know that order (mum-dad) was the traditional way!
Any websites I can use to show him “last is best”?!

OP posts:
momtoboys · 09/04/2024 14:56

I recently received a birth announcement from the children of an old friend. She and her DH were the first people I knew who hyphenated their surnames when they married. Their children have gone by James smith-jones. Well, James has married Mary Williams-Boyle and apparently the family now goes by James and Mary smith jones-Williams Boyle. I dread to think how convoluted their surnames will be in a couple of generations if this trend keeps up. Or, am I just out of touch and many people use this process for their surnames?

Original poster
Bananabreadandstrawberries · 09/04/2024 14:57

MintGreenC · 09/04/2024 14:51

So I sort of have this situation, my oldest has two surnames mine and exes but as soon as I named her everywhere immediately dropped mine and would only call her under his! So our other children have only mine (he wasn't happy about that but then he wasn't happy they had both anyway and wanted just his) we have split now and I'm glad I put mine with the others because nowhere calls DD my surname only exes, unfortunately I can't change it as he won't agree but different situation obviously and I've asked at school she's known as mine and she only knows herself as mine. But yes I do think people will assume not full siblings.

That sounds a bit tricky!
So glad they all legally have your surname though. Your eldest two could choose to be known by your name if they wanted, right, as it would be on their official documents?

Have your children themselves minded about having different names?

OP posts:
cheercaptain · 09/04/2024 14:57

In your shoes, I will use the same. The only person you need to be fair to is your first child.