Different surname for full-siblings

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Should full-siblings have the same surname,

DH and I have 1 baby boy, who we have given a double barrelled surname (with mine first, in the spur of the moment DH said he didn’t mind whose name went first). I have not changed my surname, we are married.

Since then DH has had some regrets about this and wants children to have his name only or his name first.

I am now pregnant again. DH has said “ah second. Child can have my name!” Joking - not - joking.

What would you ladies do? I want to be fair, but think it would be odd for siblings with same parents or have different surnames?

IABU: Husbands name for next child (or DH-my surname).
IANBU: Same surname for full siblings

I am also a professional and did not want to give up my surname. Our daughter was born before we married and we double-barrelled her name with my surname first-then dads.
When we later married; myself and DH both decided to double-barrell our names so we were the same as our daughter.
And I can tell you 8 years later that it is a mega pain, we are constantly having to correct people, including DDs school, who consistently drop the first part of our surname.
DD complains her name is too long! We've told her that when she is 16 she can drop the first part if she wishes.

This is so strange! My DS has a double barrelled surname as my family name is very uncommon and I didn't want it to die out.
Does he realise how misogynistic this is coming across ?

Yes, I don’t really get what his problem is. My son has a friend who has a double barrelled surname and I only really hear the last name, ie Smith-JONES.

My sons both have myname-hisname. Just because it sounds better that way as mine is longer. Also his surname is also a first name (think James) so it could sound like a middle name if used first.

Got friends coming to stay tonight with this scenario. Mum is xxx dad is yyyy. The family is known as the xxxx yyys and all the kids have their parents' names double barreled. The parents only have their own.

The tradition is for father's name to be sexond in the UK.

In Spain ( where everyone does it) they have father's name first.

I am on second husband and third surname, which I write as a list on SM and rather enjoy 😉 no more kids for me though.

I know a couple who gave the mothers surname to one child and the fathers surname to the other (one child is in my daughters class). Yes it's a bit confusing but I think it's quite nice.

My DC are both double barrelled with mine first just because it sounded better that way. People often drop my bit rather than my DP’s

My family name would have died out with my brother (he's infertile). There's few of us left to care about, it so I'm surprised he was upset by it tbh.

I think my Dad might have drummed it into him that he had this responsibility since my uncles had both died young and without having children.

Anyway, I carried on our family name. I was unmarried with my first child and gave her my name. I just kept their siblings the same even though i was married (my ex complained at first but now tells people it was his idea to save my family name lol).

My daughter is planning to keep her name after marriage and double barrell any children. Whatever way round sounds nicer. I don't think the order matters.

I have a different surname to my children.

Tell him that the current arrangement gives his surname priority over yours because it is last. Your surname could easily be misconstrued as a middle name, or could turn into a middle name later.

One of my children (my eldest) has my husband's surname; the other has mine. When I was pregnant the second time, I had a moment of "hang on, I'm doing all the work here! Why should the kids take my husband's name?!"

I can honestly say that it has no adverse effect on anyone's lives. Kids' relationships with one another have nothing to do with their surnames. Kids at school never even mention it. The fact that we have different surnames has zero effect on our love for each other or our sense of being a family unit.

The only time it can be a bit of a pain is border crossings when I'm travelling on my own with the kids, where I sometimes have to produce my eldest's birth certificate to show I'm the mother.

I thought it usually was the last part of the double barrel that counted more as the first part of the double barrel often gets considered a middle name. We actually have it the opposite way round for myself, my husband and my daughter because my eldest son has my surname and when we say our names together it sounds like they all match. So if your husband does feel emasculated, tell him about us! X

I've known full siblings that have different surnames because their parents thought that their first names went better with each others surnames but people definitely presumed they were half siblings at first. With my daughter I chose my name first and if my husband had said he wants his name only or his name first I'd have told him when he has to carry and birth a baby he can call them what he likes

The first surname normally gets dropped and people use the last one…I’m thinking in the library Alexander McCall-Smith is in the S section, not the M 🤔

personally I would keep the surnames the same

Our DS has both our surnames. If we had more children they would have had the same. Vmy surname first hubby's last. Don't see a problem. However my hubby's parents only ever put their surname on any correspondence which was irritating. So I sent several items of post as a return no one of that name here. Waited for the phone call which never came and there after they put his correct name . Stick yo your guns otherwise it will be too confusing for your children.

I think my argument would be that you can all just drop surnames altogether. Be like Madonna. No point having a "family name" if everyone in the family has a different one.

I'd be asking your husband why his ego (because that's what it is) is more important than the sibling relationship between his children. When you become a parent, the welfare of your child comes first.

Having different names for each child is just awkward and is going to need explaining to people throughout their entire childhood. It will be confusing for the children themselves (why are we different?), their schools, doctors, friends, and for what?

Me and my son’s dad split during pregnancy. When he was born, I gave him my surname as I was the primary carer and we were unmarried. Ex took me to court and my son was forced to have his surname changed from mine to double barrelled to include his dad’s. I don’t intend to ever change my name and son only sees his dad twice a month (no school or drs involvement etc) so it’s baffling how family courts are so backwards and ordered the name change.

Re Spain, it is more usual Dad´s surname then mum´s surname but you can reverse the order now if you like. There is one rule though. All siblings must have their surnames in the same order. Keeps things sane.

'I don’t want him to feel let down by this. Is it a bit emasculating for a man to have children with this surname order?'

How depressing in 2024. They have his name.

I kept my name when we got married and my kids are My name - Husband name. We went with the order that sounded best. A man who was secure in his masculinity wouldn't need to kick off about this.

How awful. I had no idea this was a thing! Ironic that he was more bothered about his name being included than actually doing much patenting. I’d be so bitter.

How on earth does he expect your children to feel in the future? One of them is going to feel less than the other, whichever way around it is. What an idiot.

My sister had something similar, used her own surname in a "known as" fashion for nephew and my nephew officially changed it when he was 16. It helped that he was born early in the school year so all his GCSE certificates have his current name on and they never went abroad so didn't have to change a passport.

And nephew had nothing to do with bio father from the age of about 5, is very anti the courts too!

As someone who’s mum did the same - as in she insisted on me and my sister having both names, I can say life would have been a lot easier to just have one surname. It can be a royal pain in the backside for myriad reasons.

My mums name had to go first as the surnames just don’t flow the same the other way, and I think my dad has always been a bit bitter about this. Even now I’m 30 they still have cross words about it.

I also used to get loads of grief of certain wider family members who were also bitter about the choice of surname, and I certainly always felt I had to placate both sides by saying I felt more like a Smith than a Jones to the Smiths and vice versa which looking back was very unfair of grown adults to do that to small children. (Names changed)

If I were you, either just give them both the same name now you’ve double barrelled one, so at least the siblings have the same name and feel connected in that way as not having the same name as my cousins always made me feel a bit left out tbh. If you really want to give the second child just dad’s name then change your first child’s name to the same as it might sound silly but it could cause some real identity issues otherwise then having different as they get older depending on their personalities and life experiences as they get older. I know people think a name is just a name but it’s a very significant part of a person’s life.

As I’ve got older I’ve accepted my name, and I don’t think I’d ever change mine if I got married to my partner either to be fair, but if we have a child I will not be giving it my name or joining up parts of both names. I’d just give it its father’s name, because I know what it’s like always having to explain away a long name and all the stuff that surrounded it, and based on my experience, it would just make life easier for the child in my eyes.

I hope this perspective helps and I completely get wanting your child to have your name, but please do take what I’ve said with the kindness intended - naming a child isn’t about the parents wishes and needs, it’s about the child as they are the person that has to live with whatever name you give them.

Same surname. Your husband is being ridiculous he needs to think of the children

Both children need the same surname really