Different surname for full-siblings

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Should full-siblings have the same surname,

DH and I have 1 baby boy, who we have given a double barrelled surname (with mine first, in the spur of the moment DH said he didn’t mind whose name went first). I have not changed my surname, we are married.

Since then DH has had some regrets about this and wants children to have his name only or his name first.

I am now pregnant again. DH has said “ah second. Child can have my name!” Joking - not - joking.

What would you ladies do? I want to be fair, but think it would be odd for siblings with same parents or have different surnames?

IABU: Husbands name for next child (or DH-my surname).
IANBU: Same surname for full siblings

Oh don't be ridiculous, it's not emasculating him! The children have his name and your name. It would be ridiculous for them to have different surnames! I'd be reminding him who's actually growing and giving birth to this child, if that doesn't give you the right to put your name first, I don't know what does!

Oh fuck that shit. They need to pick a name out of a hat and just run with it. Poor kids. Even as an adult I really couldn't be bothered with filling out forms with all that gubbins. I'd just put down Smith and not bother with the rest.

Oh I am quite sure my Dc will end up with grandchildren with 8 surnames.

Or not.

As they will sensibly choose something that feels right and workable for them, free from or withstanding pressure from parents applying patriarchal / dynastic pressure.

Where? We have not found this an issue in any European country, East Asia, African countries, Middle East , South Asia…

Is he stupid ? baby one already has his name !

I had friends, siblings, male had dad‘s surname, daughter mum‘s. Yes full siblings and it caused no issue for them at all. They know they’re siblings! And if anyone did have any problems then they had the chutzpah to tell them to get lost.

I find it very odd that your DH has such an issue with this frankly. He should really investigate why he feels diminished by it in some way because fundamentally it reflects in some way how he thinks of you and your status. Even if subconsciously.
Our kids all have my surname as we liked it better and not once has my DH felt undermined or emasculated by it. They’re his kids.

As above I don’t think it really matters whether the kids have the same name so if it matters for matrimonial harmony by all means prioritise the fragile feelings of your husband. It’s just a surname so maybe you can change the names round for your older child?

I see your point but I deliberately gave my DC their dad’s surname as I wanted them to have the same last name as their (half) siblings.

In reality, whichever way you decide to do it, it is unlikely to have any impact on your child’s life. It just comes down to your and your DH’s feelings on the matter.

Has nobody mentioned that giving the father’s surname only is a practice that assumes men are superior to women & that wealth is carried through the male line? I think he not only needs to understand that nowadays men & women are considered equal in all things but there needs to be a more comprehensive ‘welcome to 2024’ debrief about what we consider to be the way of doing things in a non patriarcal society. Eg being ‘emasculated’ is no longer a thing.. Double barrelled seems a fair compromise Though personally him raising this as an issue would have me fighting hard for giving the baby mum’s surname only.

In my country you are first name middle name mum name dad name.

In Spain it's dad name mum name

So all depends on traditions

When I married I added my husband's name but didn't lose mine

Kids are first name middle name mum name dad name.

So we chose to drop my mum's surname

As a family we are

Abcde - me
Gbe - husband
Hjde - kid 1
Qwde - kid 2

Me and kids say we are the DE family even though husband decided not to add a D

Exactly. As well as most of the rest of Europe, Latin America and the US! Otger countries have different surname rules ( scandinavia gor eg) andcsome countries dont even have surnames. As if this is such a new fangled modern problem that no one has thought of before or as if nowhere exists apart from the UK. The children traditionally take the second names forward to the children. It's hardly so unusual that passport offices etc would be confused as to what's happening. If immigration officials are that easily confused, then really all children should be given their mother's name because then if the mother travels with children on her own, it would cause less confusion.

Absolutely stay the same.

We double barrelled without a hyphen many years ago. My name then his name. It was always the last name that got dropped and that then became official.

I always think it makes far more practical sense for children to have their mother's name. So many people divorce/raise their kids without any support from the fathers. It seems far easier to have the surname of the parent who is actually raising you.

As someone who has a different surname to my full siblings, give them the same.

I was teased relentlessly at school, told I was clearly not wanted/loved by the DP I didn't share a surname, they thought I was adopted, it was horrible, and honestly made me feel very odd and left out from the other 3 siblings.

I think you need to point out that surname order isn't an indication of masculinity!! Of course they both need the same surname, how confusing for them throughout their school life if not. He should have thought about it more at the time if its that important to him.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries to be honest, I think people who give their baby a double barrelled surname with both names being used are just crazy! what is the reasoning behind that? you are married! double barrelled is pretentious!!

You could just ask nursery to use both? My name is hyphenated first name is O’ so when most people write my initials I have 4 letters 😂
my son has hyphenated too, 1/2 of my last name-dads name, when he was little a couple of places missed off my part of his name, so just using the second half of his last name on certificates, I just asked them to put his whole name on going forward, and after starting school we’ve never had an issue.
I would definitely have siblings having the same name.

Why are the two options he gave orientated around HIS name? You're the one who's carried the baby all this time - why doesn't your name get a look-in/priority?

DP and I are not married. Our names do not lend themselves well to double barrelling. Two DC, first has his surname, second has mine. My surname is very rare and I’m the last of my family with it. DP’s surname also rare but not as rare. I feel very strongly about the unfairness of the ‘tradition’ that women and children take the man’s / father’s name, but do wonder on a practical level, whether them having different names will cause problems down the line. Family members have been very confused by it and can’t understand why we’ve done what we’ve done.

Pick a surname and stick to it. You can always change one one that's double barrelled

I don’t have a problem with two siblings having different surnames necessarily but the fact that’s it’s only because he’s having a little crisis of masculinity immediately gets my back up! Our baby is double barrelled mum-dad but if my husband tried to pull any of that sexist ‘my name is more important than yours because I’m a man’ rubbish the next baby would just be having my name 😡

If you aren't as bothered by this as your husband, you could drop the your name part of your first child's surname. I would be a little inclined to do this anyway as IMO double barrelled names are a bit of a faff. Before anyone jumps on me, I would say that it would also be fine to have just OP's name, except that it seems to bother her husband, plus when the child only has the mother's name it tends to signal that the parents are not together.

The name with the most syllables should go first as it hits the ear better.

Congratulations on your new baby!

I can't comment on double barrelling as my maiden name is awful so was happy to ditch for DC, although like you, I'm published so keep it for work.

Not sure if others have said, but the one thing to be slightly aware of is travelling. I went away with a friend and her baby. The baby had the dad's name and at customs the mother got quizzed for ages about who the baby belonged to. I travel a lot so made sure me and DC have the Same names on our passports. Might be worth bearing in mind if you're going to give new baby a different name.

I find it bizarre that a surname could be 'emasculating' but he's proven that it is nothing but misogyny. Because the second name is what most men would want as if either the first name is dropped like a middle name is not always used. So by deciding it's the other way round he has proven it is all nonsense!! Don't worry about letting him down, it's your DC you shouldn't let down - of course they should have the same name as their brother (other wise seems like playing favourites as one of many issues!)

This hasn't been the case with me.... I've got an historical double barelled hyphenated name... 70/80 years my fam has used it..

Drives me nuts when people...

File me under the second initial... Where it should be the first... (less common now with digitisation)...

Or drop the first part of my surname... The second part if my surname is one of the most common names in UK... My Christian name is pretty usual too...

My name is Montague-Jones (for eg)... So dentist/GP reception put a call out for Jane Jones... The number of times I've been called this in GP surgery and haven't realised they wanted me...

That just isn't my name!

Was alarmed once when GP wrote my notes on a consult in a genuine 'Jane Jones' file who lives locally... Seems there are several jane Jones locally.