Different surname for full-siblings

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Should full-siblings have the same surname,

DH and I have 1 baby boy, who we have given a double barrelled surname (with mine first, in the spur of the moment DH said he didn’t mind whose name went first). I have not changed my surname, we are married.

Since then DH has had some regrets about this and wants children to have his name only or his name first.

I am now pregnant again. DH has said “ah second. Child can have my name!” Joking - not - joking.

What would you ladies do? I want to be fair, but think it would be odd for siblings with same parents or have different surnames?

IABU: Husbands name for next child (or DH-my surname).
IANBU: Same surname for full siblings

Chinny reckon

Different scenario, but I grew up with a different surname from my mother and siblings and I do not remember even a single occasion it was flagged as an issue. I truly do not understand the obsession with everyone having the same surname.

That being said, your DH reasoning is ridiculous and makes absolutely no sense. DC1 is double barrelled but it’s ‘your name’? Surely you could use the same logic and double barrel DC2 and say it’s ‘his name’.

@momtoboys

The modern way of doing things is to choose a new surname together when you get married.

James smith-jones & Mary Williams-Boyle become Mr & Mr Sandwich.

Fun and no patriarchy.

I don’t really understand why the woman gives her surname tbh, but I appreciate I’m probably old fashioned. I absolutely 100% would not be giving full siblings different surnames. Too many issues and explaining to people who would probably agree that it’s ridiculous (not that their opinion should matter but your children may not feel that way).

I have to be honest and say I do get where your husband is coming from though. His surname first would ideally have been the best order. Could you look into amending first child by deed poll? Explaining reasons to your first born later and amending minimal correspondence now may be a lot less hassle than you all spending the next 20 years explaining why they’re different!

There is an influencer I follow whose TWINS have different surnames, she and her partner decided any boys they had would have his surname and girls would have hers and they had boy-girl twins. That’ll be so confusing when they get to school!!

My husband and I double-barrelled when we got married. Mine then his, he said he wanted to do this too so he did so when our baby is born it will be mine-his. It sounded better that way round and my husband doesn't mind it at all.

We also use 3 initials when we initial our names so my first name, then surname then his surname.

"British tradition would be to have the father's surname. It was a tradition to use the mothers maiden name as a middle name, but that wasn't used as part of the surname. If you do any genealogy, this is well illustrated."

Not quite true, @Lifeinlists - British tradition is for children to take their mother's last name. In previous generations, it was common for women to take their husband's names, so the baby then had their father's name, but only by virtue of it being their mother's. As you can see for unwed mothers, the child's surname was his or her mother's.

The practice of giving the father's name even if the mother does not share a surname is a really new one.

You could all have the same name as DC1. I know at least 2 women where they and husbands double barrelled, but they (the women, no idea about the husbands) used just their maiden name professionally.

Wow thank you so much for all your stories and advice!

DH and I are both older (mid-late 30s) and established in our careers, and don’t feel think changing names for us is the right option now.

Tbf he has only mentioned this occasionally and we haven’t decided, so I am grateful for your input. We still have a few months before little one arrives.

I love hearing how so many of you have done your names xx

DB surname here. The last part is the important bit and what it will be shortened to. The first part only gets dragged out for legals and life admin (driving licence, passport, doctor, insurance etc).

My kids have different surnames, full siblings. No one gives a shit.

In your circumstances you could double barrel the other way around?

Spain is entering the chat…

Definitely same as first child. I always think it strange that so many (mainly unmarried) women give their baby the dad's surname. Statistically the relationship is more likely to end than survive, new partner, new baby with new surname. So mum has her surname then two or more children with different names. Unmarried mums should give their babies their surname, if they subsequently marry a double barrelled surname for all can be enacted.

But baby 1 isn't an OP name.
I like family names so I'd have double barrelled everyone for personal use (if he needs to keep his old surname for work)
But if you're Singh and he's Smith and baby 1 is baby Singh-Smith then it's an OP-DH. So baby 2 could be DH-OP, baby Smith - Singh. But then what about baby 3?

There's no female equivalent of emasculating is there? Hmm...

When will it be the norm that all women name their children after themselves? Be done with the patriarchy. Your vagina your name. I just don't get it.

They should have the same name. In my country it wouldn't even be an option not to, if two parents have a child together, the next child automatically gets the same surname as the first child.

So you carry the child and birth the child and he feels he has a right to first placing???

It's already done your children should have the same name. Which is both your surnames.

Mountbatten Windsor
and
Spencer Churchill

Demonstrate which name tends to get dropped.

My Dc are Hisname-Myname because that is the way it sounds best. Harder to say, the other way.

I had no idea about any supposed ‘traditional ‘ order and wouldn’t have paid any attention anyway. Having refused the wholly patriarchal tradition of women changing their names on marriage or naming children just after the father.

Your babies will both have both your names, equally, imagine explaining to Dc1 that Daddy didn’t want Dc to have the same name, or explaining to Dc2 why they don’t also have Mummy’s name like Dc1.

Your DH is a published specialist/ academic. Tell him to engage his brain and stop bring a patriarchal throwback.

My kids have different surnames (full siblings) - it's no big deal TBH - the only issue we've had is recently it turns out the piano lessons have decided that they share a surname, and so my youngest's piano certificate is in the wrong name. Never had that before though.

I suppose the only possible effect is social in that it's not obvious they are brothers - but then they look very different anyway, and TBH I think it's good that they get to be their own people rather than the expectations that are inevitable at school when the younger sibling comes along.

Having said that - having one child being Jones-Smith and the other being Smith-Jones is a recipe for confusion - so I really wouldn't reverse the order! I'd stick with the double barrel as it is now!

But he fell in love with and married you. He could have married a trad wife, who wouldn’t have bothered challenging the patriarchal norms, but he didn’t.

Giving your kids different surnames is confusing IMO, but more importantly, it’s allowing a stereotype of ‘how to be a man’ to perpetuate (albeit in a small way). Toxic masculinity is bad for everyone - women at the receiving end of sexism and prejudice, and men having to conform to a role that can damage mental health.

Remind him that he loves you precisely because you are changing the world, not cowing to it.

My sister has two children with a double barrel surname they both go FIRST NAME/SISTERS NAME/ HUSBANDS NAME.

DN’s are now 18 and 21, through school they were either referred to as their whole name or FIRST NAME/HUSBANDS NAME. On official documentation they remain as their given names but if you were to ask them their name 18 yo nephew would say FIRST NAME/SISTERS NAME and 21yo niece would say FIRST NAME/HUSBANDS NAME.

this is just their preference as they each feel that the name they prefer flows nicer with their first names.