Different surname for full-siblings

[Bananabreadandstrawberries]

Should full-siblings have the same surname,

DH and I have 1 baby boy, who we have given a double barrelled surname (with mine first, in the spur of the moment DH said he didn’t mind whose name went first). I have not changed my surname, we are married.

Since then DH has had some regrets about this and wants children to have his name only or his name first.

I am now pregnant again. DH has said “ah second. Child can have my name!” Joking - not - joking.

What would you ladies do? I want to be fair, but think it would be odd for siblings with same parents or have different surnames?

IABU: Husbands name for next child (or DH-my surname).
IANBU: Same surname for full siblings

It will be an absolute pita for everyone including all professionals who ever meet you and need to write all your names. It's not the same as two completely different family names being involved. It will get mixed up all the time. It also sounds petty and like you are both control freaks and have too much time on your hands. I'm surprised that as intelligent people you'd even entertain this or want yourselves to appear so ridiculous. Please don't for everyones sake, imagine explaining that all the time.

One of my children has my maiden name-dad’s name double barrelled, my other children has dad’s name only, I use my maiden name only but obviously don’t take umbrage if someone calls me Mrs husband’s name. No issues so far, and doesn’t feel like it affects the cohesion of the family.

(I realise this adds nothing to the OP’s quandary, just if she does decide to give a different name, it probably wont present issues)

I knew a family where boys had dad’s surname and girls mum’s surname. Except the family had more boys so the mum gave one of the younger boys her surname as well.

I don't think it's at all odd for siblings to have different family names. Our decision was that any boys would take DH's name and girls mine.

DC did end up being an only child, but we struggled with fertility for many years, and I was older than I wanted to be when I had my first, so we suspected this would end up being the case. So we double-barelled with my name first. Not a hierarchy of precedence, they just sounded better that way round.

A fair compromise would be: as your first is double-barreled with your name first, the second could be double barreled with his first. I wouldn't give the child just DH's name.

Same names, just a different order!

No one's owed any explanation, and no one is being 'ridiculous'. What an over-the-top response.

Not one member of my family has exactly the same family name. We are very much a unit, and it causes no issues with officialdom whatsoever.

Tell him his name can go first when he carried the baby for 9 months, destroys his body for the child and then pushes it out his bits!!!

Of course they should have the same name! I can't believe this is even a discussion

My sister has double barrelled her surname with her partners for their new baby and is currently in process of changing their first child's legal name to double barrelled rather than just his fathres name (same dad both kids) so could you just change the order of the older child's surname?

Absolutely not a big deal for them to have different surnames. In fact, it's the best way to get around the "how to be fair to both parents?" dilemma. One parent will always lose out otherwise. As for double barrelling, that's a very short term solution given you can't saddle their descendents with eight surnames!

Why?

We are both professionals where we are known/published by our names, so we aren’t changing our own
Slightly beside the point but I know plenty of people, my sister and also my closest friend, who changed their names when they married but kept their professional names for work related reasons.

My sons have a double barrelled name. Ex Husbands is first, but only because it flows off the tongue more readily. Like a lot of people, they drop half the name in every day living. Maybe you could offer to prioritise your OHs name in that way as a compromise, to keep both names in the same order as the first.

oh and be prepared for the odd form that doesn’t fit their whole name. My son’s passports drop the last couple of letters of the surname. In the early days it did cause the odd moment of confusion when 2 ids don’t fully match and some people thought it was a problem. But they are now in their mid 30s so I guess it wasn’t too big a problem.
Hope you find a resolution that works for you both.

Hyphenated. They have both your names. He is being ridiculous.

I didnt change my surname when we got married. Our kids have his surname because honestly i wasnt that arsed. He suggested double barrel but i personally dont like it, i think its awful.

I dont agree siblings MUST have the same surname. Why? It makes zero difference in the grand scheme of things.
So if you wanted to change the order i dont see why its an issue? I have a friend, the daughter has her surname and the son has the dads, neither had changed their name after marriage and doesnt seem to cause any issues.

I dont see why he wants to change it though, surely it was discussed and agreed before the first child so whats his reason for changing it now?

I used to work with someone terribly posh (granddaughter of an Earl). She and her brother both have a Christian name, two middle names, and a quadruple-barrelled surname. I shit you not.

I also have a friend who's done this, but she's been married and a partner in a legal firm for longer than it became commonplace for women to retain their full identities on marriage.

I'm a professional and am known and published under one name: mine. It simply isn't necessary to compartmentalise your own identity into different names for the different roles you perform in life.

Fair enough if that's what some people want, but I can't for the life of me understand why they would want it. What a completely pointless faff.

How pathetic!!! His names in there so what does it matter whose name is first? He sounds extremely insecure and your whole post screams toxic masculinity 🤦🏼‍♀️

Im married, kept my name, ALL our kids have MY name ONLY. When hubby gets 27 stitches in his vagina he can have his name 🤣🤣🤣 double barreling was just too long and his is too hard to spell so we went with mine 🤷🏼‍♀️ Hold your ground and give your kids the same name 🙄

@Bananabreadandstrawberries My children have been myname-hisname for more than 20 years. Nobody has ever tried to drop either part of their name. Including them-and we have made it clear to them that they are welcome to if they want. And the what all they do if when they get together thing is so ver tedious. They will do what their parents do-which is whatever they want. Incidentally, if your dp's masculinity is so fragile that the order of his children's last name threatens it then I suggest he has bigger problems.....

Why would you want different? It will be confusing for schools, doctors, may raise questions when going on holiday with passports

Tbf my children have different names and it's never caused any issues with any of the places you've named and not sure why it would?? Holidays you need permission anyway it's not surname based and it's only an issue for separated parents where the other refuses to give permission.

No, it really won't.

I don't think having different names is an issue if they are entirely different but to suggest swapping the names round is different as OPs partner suggests. So smith-jones and next child is jones-smith.

Mine have similar to that, oldest has mine and exes younger have just mine, never been an issue.

You may not be aware but if first child was born before marriage, you are supposed to re-register the birth after marriage. In which case if you haven't already then the first child can legally be changed when re-registered if you were not married when they were born. Dp and I get married this August and will re-register our youngest who is doubled after. My eldest only has my name as his biological father is not really involved. Eldest is 17 so can change by deedpole if he likes. My partner has been in his life since he was 2 and as far as his concerned that's his dad, name or not.

Id go the same or swap the surnames around. He would absolutely not be getting just his surname. Sounds like if you give him an inch he will take a mile.