To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

Jesus.
Alan sounds like a cocklodger.
How old are the 3 girls, are they safe and do they seem to like him?

I don't like the sound of alan nor would I want him going out with my sister

Talks about himself… immediately I don’t like him. She’s moved a near stranger in her house with three daughters?! Hmm weird!!

Alan is such bad news that if you put him in a novel, reviewers would criticise him as one-dimensional.

On the other hand, your sister is the one with a responsibility to her children.

do you have a good relationship with the girls? make it known that you're a safe space, you're available if they have concerns, worries, issues etc...

One point to add - I overheard Alan and my sister moaning about his ex wife and how she is using a solicitor for her divorce. Alan was saying how she is getting a free solicitor and she's not even paying for it.

This was the main thing that made me 'twig'.

Free solicitor = legal aid = some sort of domestic abuse must have taken place surely?

I work with children and sometimes deal with families who are getting legal aid.

Ex wife is definitely using a solicitor and not paying for it.

I'd be putting in a Clare's Law application for him.

I never trust men who move in quickly with a woman with young children. Especially when the ex girlfriends are alway mad / weird / the problem and not him...

Best case scenario, he's a bit of a cocklodger. Worst case scenario, he's unsafe around kids / has a history of domestic abuse.

Yes I do. I see them daily as I have children similar ages and we all live so close.

The older girls don't seem fussed but the younger one I am worrried about. She's sort of used to my sister having different boyfriends though.

Your sister is failing her children here massively and I would be really concerned for their welfare. It seems they are not her priority but her love life is. Yes Alan sounds like a douche and I would struggle to maintain a relationship with such a selfish sibling.

Your sister is going to come crashing back down to earth with a bang.

Alan is a walking Red flag. What was your sister thinking moving a stranger into her home with her 3 children ?!
Of course Alan's exs are the problem. If his ex has such bad mental health why isn't he caring for their joint child? Or did she just see sense and get rid of Alan and choose to protect her child from a man who would introduce a whole new family within a few weeks

I was going to say this. Also Sarah's law.

Another point - I've got to know Alan's oldest daughter quite well. She's late teens. She refers to Alan's ex wife as her step mum. Says she was lovely and they are still very close. Nothing about being crazy or poor mental health.

I'd chat to your sister......I'm sure she'd have the same chat with you if the show was on the other foot?!
Ps don't you get legal aid if you don't earn over a certain amount? Not necessarily due to domestic abuse reasons.....

Alan didn’t used to be a gambling addict. Alan isn’t even a recovering gambling addict.
Alan is still gambling.

He's been through a lot? I think the longer your sister stays the more she'll realise he's put other women through a lot more.

I would be so angry with her for having a strange man live with her daughters. That's incredibly irresponsible of her and could even be dangerous.

Possibly, could just be my mind working over drive and putting 2+2 together and making 5.

Your sister has just signed up to be the next ‘crazy ex’. God help her if she gets pregnant.

I don’t know what the criteria is for applying for info under Claire’s law but I’d be googling him left, right and centre to find out everything I could about him. Have you got any friends who are incredibly nosy and could have tracked down Bin Laden with a two minute peek at his FB account? I’d get them on the case if so.

I’d also have a very relaxed, casual and non specific chat with her girls, just reminding them that you are always there for them and there is nothing they can’t tell you.

For Clare's law, can I do that myself? Does anyone know what details you need? I don't have any details for him other than his name and I know his birthday. I wouldn't even know what address to give for him if I had to give it as I don't think he's registered at my sisters address.

He’s a walking red flag.

I’d love to hear the ex’s version of events.

Sounds like a classic wanker. There are so many of this guy running around it’s insane.

At the very best, Alan is a cocklodging, rubbish father with a gambling problem.

That's best case scenario.

All 3 women are "crazy".
All 3 kids don't have a good relationship with their dad.

Alan is gambler bit those odds don't stack up.

If he’s self employed, would he be registered at Companies House? There’d be addresses on there, wouldn’t there?

Even when I was skint and unemployed I still paid for my divorce.. Laws changed in recent years.. DV aid only.
Nowt as in love as a bloke who needs a new address. Have you Googled him? Right to the very bottom of the list. And the omitted stuff too.
I was once horrified by what I found. Not a man I was seeing but another scenario..
Claire's Law def.. It's there for this very reason..

I'll bet most of his money goes on gambling, drink and drugs too. There's a certain type and he certainly ticks the boxes. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about regarding your nieces, he sounds like a total cocklodger too who will probably be shagging around behind your sisters back.

He sounds just like my SILs latest.