To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

I got Legal aid for my divorce, and there was definitely NO domestic abuse involved.

He's a walking red flag

Your sister needs to buck up her ideas

@Janie1962 what year did you get divorced? All Legal Aid, apart from for DV victims, was rescinded in England within the last 10 years by the Tories.

Given that 3 little kids lives might be in harms way, I would risk causing trouble and contact the ex. She might have some very enlightening things to tell you.

How long ago was that? It changed in 2013.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/getting-help-and-advice/divorce-and-separation-advice/legal-aid-and-other-help-if-you-cant-afford-divorce-or-separation-fees

Oh dear OP :(

He sounds like a whole row of red flags waving in the breeze. I'd be concerned about the speed he moved in and the speed he made a new relationship after his break-up. And about the "crazy" ex-wife who doesn't let him have access (sounds like the script), the gambling problem, and the narcissistic sounding all-about-him stuff. And the 3 children with different women (does he take responsibility?). Also that your Dsis moved him in to the home of 3 young girls without really knowing him well enough.

@chrisfromcardiff I'm sure she would have lots to say. Her Facebook is very private so I can't see much - though having a quick look I can see she likes a facebook page about surviving narcissistic abuse

Yeah, be wary of Alan, he sounds dodge.

He might not be a bad man, and it sounds like there's no real evidence of DV etc as such, but best case scenario, he shouldn't be so involved in the lives of your sisters children so fast.

At some point the pressure of his divorce will catch up to him and your sister + her children will be the ones to suffer.

She's doing her children dirty by not prioritising them here.

Ah, right. It was 2010!

He's like soooo many men I met while I was single, they all wanted to move so fast and ignore my boundaries, unfortunately there are so many of them about and they see a single mum as an easy target. I hope your nieces are ok. try and be a safe space for them, it sounds like they need that

2010......feels like yesterday! 😁

They both seem weird

I always think that the doing loads of cheap / free jobs for friends of their ‘target’ in the first stages is a massive red flag. I learnt it the hard way. It ensures that the man creates a whole solar system of people (comprised of the woman’s sole support system) , who are financially ‘bound’ and therefore incapable of making rational decisions about red flags, they’re blinded.
I can tell you how it plays out. By the time the woman spots the red flags, everyone around is like ‘nahhh Alan is such a great guy!! You’re IMAGINING this! He’s so sweet he tiled my bathroom for free!!’
And then when the woman eventually decides to leave ,her support system simply aren’t there , because she’s learnt that her support system can’t spot an abuser , and she doesn’t trust them. And even if the woman discloses that Alan is an abuser, there’ll be people she loves that will still call on Alan for cheap jobs because well, he’s just so helpful. And how can good old Alan be an abuser when he did such a good job on that bathroom from the goodness of his own heart?! And the woman is left having to rebuild her life from scratch. She can’t even trust the people she trusted her whole life 🤷‍♀️

I've literally just searched for the ex wife on Facebook and her profile is so private apart from this one page that she likes about surviving narcissistic abuse. Very strange - almost like she wants that to be seen possibly.

I don't know, I'm sat here being detective!

Even if she gets rid of Alan, she won’t get rid of her gullibility.

FWIW, I was never married but when my DD's father and I went to mediation in relation to my DD, I was able to get Legal Aid because I'm in receipt of Universal Credit.

So maybe DV is 1 criteria(?) but there are definitely other things that can make you eligible for Legal Aid.

No, you're right OP. You can only get legal aid for family cases where there is evidenced domestic abuse.

This is correct.
I got it when my earnings under a certain amount ..,..
Certainly not domestic abuse.
Just be careful about your facts.

This is for divorce. Ex wife filed for divorce using a solicitor. Definitely not mediation.

Another point is the ex wife has not seen Alan since October. Alan collects their child from her mum.

Sorry I'm just thinking of more and more things that are adding up.

I'd say gut instinct in these cases are almost 99.9% right.

Why my sister wants a relationship with a man who has so much drama around him is beyond me.

Because unfortunately people who are attracted to these types of personalities living dysfunctional lives often like a bit of drama themselves

I've done it a couple of times. It's definitely worth doing but just bear in mind that even if nothing comes up, it doesn't mean that he's not going to be abusive.

If nothing comes up, you'll just have to hope that she wakes up and smells the coffee sooner rather than later.

I was married to an Alan. He was abusive. Very good at DIY though and just made himself indispensable very quickly. Also had a crazy ex. I was his second mother of second child. He drove me crazy. I turned against my sister because of his manipulation and my desperation for a partner and to have the nice person I first met in him back. Tread carefully. Sorry you have to go through this. My sister is my favourite person in the world and we are back close again but didn't speak for a while. She's the one whose house I fled to when things got really bad as I always knew deep down that she wouldn't say she told me so. Don't say anything against him and be there for the kids. I'm so glad she has you and I'm so glad her kids have you. Hopefully you are wrong and I am wrong and it'll be a happy ending but there are a lot of red flags in your post and you cannot describe a lot of what goes on in these situations.

Alan isn’t a catch but your sister needs to have better boundaries. Allowing a man to move in that quickly AND she has children AND they’re all girls. Bloody hell