To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

Alan is clearly very adept at being the charmer. It's worked ok at least 3 other women (and these are just the ones he's impregnated) before moving in with your sister within a month.

Alan knows exactly how to play the game.

All exs are crazy. Of course.

Your sister is blindsided by exactly what the other pile of women fell for.

Alan is an abuser, or there would be no legal aid. Abusers are clever. Your sister is being presented with the character Alan plays so well until his mask comes off. He's had decades of experience.

Get your sister out of this as best you can. I've been there. I didn't want to hear it. It nearly ended me. Please, persevere and get her out.

If you don't feel able to call your sister out on this, then you should absolutely do a Claire's law on him. She probably won't pay any attention to it though, she's hook line and sinker in the 'crazy ex' scenario. Normally, I'd suggest to call her out but your nieces need you right now so do things as sneakily as you can for their sakes.

The red flags are glaring.

I think a few people think they are a complete joke as they are both known for constantly being in failed relationships

You know what? I bet Alan’s mates are having the same conversation about your sister than we’re having about Alan. I can imagine them sitting in the pub talking about her string of failed relationships and worrying that he’s gone from a relationship with one mad woman straight into a relationship with another, and saying things like “He’s only been seeing her five minutes and she’s got him playing dad to all her kids and doing free building work for her family, she’s had all these other boyfriends and it never works out, he keeps saying she’s lovely but all his girlfriends start out lovely, he’s such a shit judge of character.”

I know my sister met his youngest son straight away too - even I have met him. He's 5, lovely kid.

The ex wife was letting Alan see him every other weekend for 1 day and Alan was bringing him straight to my sisters. I have to say the poor kid looks confused and didn't speak a word to any of us.

Alan then wasn't allowed to see him anymore. He's now allowed to see the child again but only for 4 hours every other weekend which Alan says is his ex being difficult.

As a mother myself - I'm not surprised! Alan only left this child's mother in October and my sister is buying his Christmas presents in the December.

The whole thing is a mess. Alan is a charming bugger but this thread has just confirmed my suspicions.

Me and my family are very close so if I say anything, it will cause an absolute uproar which I don't want. I think I need to stay on side so I can keep a close eye.

Thank you to everyone. There's so many kids involved in this, it's not a choice I would ever make. I suppose no one knows what to do with my sister anymore.

He isn’t good news

but more than that you sister must work on her self esteem and boundaries

Every single twat says their ex is crazy, mental etc. it is to make the new girlfriend feel sorry for him and not want to be anywhere near her. It should be on the list of red flags if not already.

His ex is trying to protect their ds from meeting the recent gf... No offence to your dsis... She can't be that mad an ex.. She just wants contact to be ds /df not a new ready made family for the poor bairn...

"....But I like Alan. Sort of ....."
you write @tesitwist.
We had a neighbour.
Knew his wife years back.
3 children.
Good craic, liked a drink and to socialise.
She was quieter.
He's now in prison for abusing young boys.
I always thought my gut would let me know if someone was a bit off. It usually did but I didn't see that coming.

Trust your gut.

I work in the criminal justice system, all the tradesmen on my books apparently earn megabucks yet have no money to their name. All bullshit artists. Alan must have seen your sister coming. It's classic dv with the lovebombing and finding a woman who has kids.

Alan is hopefully spending all his money on child maintenance.

Your sister won't get pregnant will she? What does your Mum think?

No you don’t anymore, you have to have evidence of DV, I had to have restraining orders etc in order to get family legal aid.

Well, he has to be nice and likeable to pull this off with all of you. He is doing grand job so far it seems😬
Addictions of any kind don’t just go away. I bet he is a gambler still. I bet he is skint too and contributes very little (or soon will be once he establishes himself in your sisters home and life).
Mad ex? Enough said.
Flakey contact/no contact with kids, bad sign.
This will end in tears and yes, you are right not to trust him. All is too much too soon like he is desperate (because i bet he is, for a place to live)

I’m not surprised you are concerned about Alan and I think many would be.

I agree about Clare’s Law and Sarah’s Law and googling him, as well as googling the roads he lived in etc in case there are any news report that just have a man’s age and street name that could be him.

Why don’t you ask Alan outright why his ex gets legal aid and see what he says?

Yeah maintenance is another issue sadly.

Ex wife went to the maintenance service. My sister said it's just another way she is trying to destroy Alan.

Alan is adamant he has always paid but has had a letter sent to him about going to court to pay arrears. Alan gets all his mail sent to his mums house.

The whole thing is a complete mess and full of Alan's drama. Yet you meet him and he's as happy as larry and will chat to you like he hasn't got a care in the world.

@GOT1996 that's not the case in Scotland

They don’t live in Scotland so 🤷‍♀️

I have just googled him - never thought of that!

Found an old newspaper article that states he was in court due to gbh on another male. We know he has a criminal record from years ago though. He told us during his life story the other week. He's surprised he has never been in prison due to getting arrested a lot in his early twenties.

He's in his forties now and turned his life around apparently.....

Definitely do Clares Law, altho even if there is history there they will only disclose it to the person he is currently in a relationship with (eg your sister) who from sounds of it may just write it off as malicious crazy ex wife etc if shes fallen for whatever hes feeding her about that already..
But its worth doing in case theres somethinf there and she can at least hear it from police directly you never know it might get through

Theres also Sarahs Law too (for history of risk to children)

Yes this is true or she or one of the kids could be on PIP/DLA

I’ve never heard of getting legal aid because of children receiving disability benefits, and I went through this process 2 years ago so I’m not sure if you’ve got it right there. It was incredibly hard to get because they’ve clamped right down on it and I had to have actual physical evidence of abuse to be considered (you can’t just claim to be a victim of DV for example).

Your sister is of the cock before kids brigade and even if Alan was Man of the year it's selfish of her to move a man in so quickly.

Some women just can't be without a partner and that desire often makes them overlook flaws in a man that are glaringly obvious to others.

I'm sure I could ask at work about the legal aid. All of the families I know who have claimed legal aid are all mothers who have left abusive relationships.

I know Alan isn't using a solicitor as he claims they don't have anything to sort. Which in fairness I don't think they do. No mortgage and apparently any savings they had were split down the middle. Alan can't understand why ex is using a solicitor.

I find it awkward he is so open about all of this too.

Unfortunately I would have to agree with PP about your sister failing her children safeguarding wise. She has invited this man she hardly knows to live with them all and this is how children get put in really vulnerable situations and even abused themselves and she isn’t protecting those kids at all.

This is a very good idea. This whole situation is frightening. Someone earlier said to be sure the girls know that their aunt is a safe place if they need one (providing they are old enough to know about such things). It's a shame OP can't talk to her sister about the very, very many red flags. Why do women want a man so much that they will jeopardize their own children?

I have to say I agree. She was with her last partner for just over a year. Kids all introduced again. We didnt have the best childhood due to my dad.

I am very much a people pleaser.

She is the opposite and just does what she wants. Very impulsive. I love her to bits but we are so different. She will be the one dancing on a table drunk doing karaoke where as I'm the one who stays in every night with a cup of tea.