To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

Very good point!! Please consider this OP!

dodgy-my dsis has to pay for solicitor for a divorce shes on uc gets no help unless dv is proved

I do think narcissistic yes. The fact he is only really able to talk about himself or something that he knows about - usually building work. He will point something out that needs doing and spend hours talking through exactly how he would fix it - this is something he has pointed out. Not that we have asked about.

He also talks about illness a lot. Aches and pains etc but to the point where you get a bit fed up of hearing about it.

Alan has spoken more to my mother in the last 4 months than my partner has in the last 15 years of us being together.

Do NOT tell your sister you think her boyfriend is an abusive, galling arsehole. Just shut your mouth and be there to pick up the pieces or she will never come back to you. And it will take years for her to leave this guy. Tread very lightly.. let her come to the realisation on her own. She also sounds like she is neurodivergent or has a mood disorder btw.

Maybe his ex's mental health is poor because she's shattered and depressed at having to cope with a child alone with no input from the father (using that word in its loosest possible sense - I prefer 'progenitor' myself). I doubt she's crazy, you've been told that she isn't. Depressed, angry, utterly pissed off probably.

You’re focusing on Alan, but the problem is your sister. Letting him effectively move in after just weeks, when she has 3 kids? What a piss poor excuse for a parent she is.
I’d certainly make the Clare’s / Sarah’s Law applications, but he’s probably got no police involvement and is “simply” a loser.
I’d keep a polite distance from all the drama, sadly there’s not a lot you can do if she’s determined to be so blasé with her own children 😠

What about the father of your sister's children? Would he have anything to say about this man moving in with his daughters so quickly? Or is he a different sort of useless?

OMG Alan sounds like my best friend's ex.

A crazy ex (only Alan is worse, he has three!)
Very charming
Popular at work, goes above and beyond, had won awards
Older kids think he is father of the year
Non-specific issues about financial settlement with ex, he has been so kind

Moved him in and it rapidly became apparent that:
Not actually that popular at work
Older kids were being bought off with cash, and manipulated to feel sorry for him
Utter narc
Constant non-existent illnesses
Ex completely normal woman who had had enough
No financial settlement due to him dicking about

Of course my friend is now another 'crazy ex'.

One crazy ex is fair enough, but 3! It's not them, it's him.

Your sister needs to make sure whatever contraception she’s using is 100% and more. She must absolutely not ever have a child with this man. Never ever.

Oh I don't mean too toning I can see that you are right and I apologise for that.

My sister 100% needs better boundaries but I have no idea how to help her as she is so stubborn and never seems to change. She is a good mother to her kids in the sense that she makes sure they are well looked after etc but equally they are with their dad half the time - no set rules, the kids just go between homes as they please. As they do my house.

I haven't noticed them staying at their dads anymore than usual recently which I guess is a good sign.

Her previous boyfriends didn't have anything about them really but I thought Alan did. I thought he may be the one to actually help my sister but again, the last couple of weeks hearing about Alan's drama has made me feel otherwise. But the last few months I've been able to put aside what time know and fall for the charm so even I have fallen for it.

Yes she has the implant. She absolutely does not want anymore kids I know that much. It would be her worst nightmare and she would be very vocal about that. Even if Alan was desperate she was say no. She's just getting her life back now as the girls are older.

Is Alan his real name? If so, I know this guy, and your sister should run for the hills.

He's a really good dad to the girls. To be honest I'd say better than my sister which saddens me really. When him and my sister broke up, he's never really had a new relationship. He just works and provides for his girls. Own house etc. very independent. He was the best partner my sister has had. However he wanted the quiet life and my sister was still wanting to go out every weekend. They just argued all the time and he left.

What he thinks about this I don't know as I hardly see or speak to him and my sister hasn't said anything. I don't think he would necessarily say anything but he would 100% tell the girls to go to him if they needed too. They are with him half the time anyway and they are close to their dad. I'm sure they will be able to open up if they need too.

I think your sister should listen to this podcast.

POS is piece of shit I'm guessing

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000psj8 this podcast!! It talks about the stages of abusive relationships - and several things you've said about the speed of the relationship and the psycho ex are HUGE red flags.

lol no, just the first name that came into my head. Sad how many Alan's like this are out there though.

Someone upthread may have already clarified, but to confirm that you are correct that evidence of domestic abuse is required to obtain legal aid for a divorce.

My best friend is incredibly strong-minded and stubborn. She was also in a coercively controlling marriage that turned into DV before she managed to escape. A strong personality isn't protection against an abuser, unfortunately. I heartily recommend everyone reads "Control" by Jane Monkton-Smith.

I heartily recommend everyone reads "Control" by Jane Monkton-Smith.

She's the expert on the podcast I linked to. She'd have a field day with "Alan" - history of violence, moving the relationship quickly into living with the newest woman, the "psycho" ex, charming to other people.

He sounds depressingly familiar. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, not what you'd call a deep thinker, spends his life trotting off to whatever seems like a good idea at the time with little thought for the consequences. Appears to have little agency as everything in his life has 'happened' to him somehow, through a run of bad luck. But, he's probably OK company, cheerful with a superficial charm, and easy on the eye. So if your sister isn't a very deep thinker either, she probably won't have noticed any red flags. What can be done? Nothing, because (and here's the really depressing part) the world is full of Alans and countless women end up with one. Alan himself is on his 4th! So I'd just keep your eye on the situation and be ready to support your sister if the wheels fall off.

Haven’t read the full thread so someone else may have said this already - but you can’t get legal aid for a divorce unless you have proof of being a victim of domestic abuse. There has to be evidence - simply alleging it is not sufficient. Be careful how you manage this. He will say the ex is lying, your sister will believe him and if you try to push it, he may seek to stop your sister engaging with you which will increase her vulnerability to abuse.

Edited to add: I just saw a poster above recommending Jane Monkton Smith’s book. I recommend it too, OP. It is a very good way of spotting the signs of abuse, particularly coercive and controlling behaviour, early.

Not only is Alan everything that PPs have said, he's trying to groom you all by being a Lovely Guy and doing big favours like building new patios.
He sounds like very, very bad news.

It's very irresponsible of your sis to jump into a relationship so quickly when she has children. I've seen many children affected by their parents' relationships.

😅So true. I can't believe my teenage self used to criticise fictional characters as being too unpleasant to be realistic. Oh the naivete!