To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

I think you need their address and full name. And yes, you can fo it on behalf of someone else.

I don’t think so for a divorce I thought only in DV cases.

I had a relationship with an Alan. They come on strong but there's not much to back it up with, they don't really reflect very deeply and just bounce on to the next thing. He probably 'means well' but it doesn't go that deep and his attention span may waver. Ultimately quite a draining and disappointing experience but unfortunately there's nothing you can do until it runs its course.

Oh, and mine was weirdly controlling in a few little ways that eventually set off my radar and made me quite uncomfortable...similarly no real relationship with his child but it was all his ex's fault (tbh she did have some social service involvement and the child ended up living with grandparents).

your instincts are correct OP
I work with DV survivors and so many of them would tell an almost identical story
whether you can persuade your sister of this is another matter
would she read this thread?

Yep all girls. Worries me like mad.

The girls are all teens/pre teens.

Alan's daughter is late teens and he is very close to her but I do feel like he relies on her. He involves her in all his drama as I've seen it. She's just a kid herself.

She met my sister straight away also yet is still close to the ex wife. She jokes about how many of her dad's girlfriends she is friends with on Facebook.

She's got her own mind and very stubborn. I don't think she would. She honestly thinks hes great as he's just built a media wall in her living room.

It's so hard because I don't want to lose her. I worry for my nieces. I won't know what's going on if she takes it the wrong way which she will right now.

I'm also wondering if she will isolate herself from us as we are very close and I hear about abusive people who try and isolate the victim from their family. This hasn't happened yet - can't bloody get rid of Alan now. It's almost like he's joined our family over night. He's always there.

The only thing I can think is to contact the ex wife but equally as I've said, I don't want the drama.

Clare’s law, Sarah’s law and a call to your local mash team to ask if they can check if there’s anything your sister should be worried about. They may not give you information but it’s worth a try. Also speak to the girls and tell them if there’s anything they’re ever worried about or anything that ever happens that makes them feel uncomfortable they can talk to you.

I don't know what else you can do but keep a close eye on your nieces. Your sister's boundaries and common sense are non-existent. Alan is a disaster but what's to say the next man will be any better.

I’ve worked in DV for a while…

Doing lots of DIY really soon is actually a big red flag - they are making themselves indispensable and often when things go south they use it as way of control ie ripping it off the wall or asking for payment etc.
its good your spider senses are tingling. You should take a look at the freedom programme book x

Your sister is the problem here, not Alan.

I worry for your nieces too. Seems like once this Alan is gone and he will be there will be another. I know it's hard but anything you say right now will make you the enemy of the star crossed lovers. As hard as it is don't say a word and keep your eyes open. Your nieces will need you. I speak from experience sadly.

Oh I agree, that does not sound good.

I'm afraid I agree, with her children being daughters I'd be particularly resistant to a randomer moving in so quickly.

His crazy psycho ex-wife who keeps the child from him I bet. I swear Alan's of the world all have the same story.

Bluntly, your sister needs to wake the f*ck up.

I agree with this. Her last boyfriend was ok - quiet and didn't say much. When Alan came along, I knew he wasnt perfect but neither is my sister. He obviously has personality and I thought maybe she's found her match here - and she is convinced that she has.

But the last couple of weeks has been constant drama about the ex wife. My sister needs somewhere to off load so she called me. I'm drained of it but she seems to crave drama so I don't think she necessary minds. Maybe enjoys it is some way.

I've been with my partner for 18 years but I'm sure this isn't how the start of a relationship is supposed to go.

But if Alan goes, i dread to think what the next one will be like.

No way, I’m a man and had training in DV situations. If his ex wife has free legal aid than he is definitely a POS. Even if he didn’t commit DV he still sounds like a POS from everything you shared. Make the applications as you are doing. If he’s got certain conditions ( like bail) it might be worth doing an online report on the local force’s website. Men like him easily change names via deed poll so I’m a bit suspicious if he has given you his real name.

I think maybe I need to try get my mum on side. That might be my next step. Alan is currently doing her patio in the garden. He's refusing any sort of payment other than materials.

Putting Alans behaviour aside it's just so so depressing your sister has let him move in when she has children. I think you should focus on this and find a way to be very clear with her that you are concerned - about the general risk an unrelated male poses to her children.

@Floppyelf sorry what does a POS stand for?

Also they have been together almost 5 months now - I know there isn't a time frame but is there a time when anything abusive typically starts to show?

I don't think they have had even any sort of argument as of yet. Not that my sister has told me. But equally that could be because her life is filled with his drama right now and she is supporting him I suppose.

Genuinely wondering if Alan is my ex rn.
Which is to say, yes, be wary.

He sounds too good to be true…. oh wait a minute… love bombing phase of a narcissist before the abusive side kicks in.

I’d be contacting ex’s, friends (if he has any), searching filings with companies house, trawling forensically through social media and getting a private investigator to run searches on him - they have access to lots of databases.

Then I’d run for the hills.

Alan has more red flags than a Trump rally.

I'd be concerned about real risks of harm for your sister, her children, your mother, you and any other women unfortunate enough to have been dragged into this.

Definitely background check, and make sure your nieces know to come to you if they start having any concerns.

Has he buried anyone under the patio?

Yeah I am close to my neices. They live just around the corner from me and come and go from my house as they please. I do know this would be the first place they would come if they ever witnessed anything.