To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

I definitely would be wary. Too many red flags - turning conversations around to himself means he is self-obsessed, and has no empathy or interest in anyone else's feelings or situation. Moving in quickly with your sister means he is unable to function on his own, is emotionally dependant and will soon become quite controlling of her movements, which she may initially see as him being totally devoted to her but will eventually become restricting and dominating . Having 3 children with 3 different women and not seeing one child and not fighting to gain some access shows a lack of responsibility. A troubled childhood can lead to all sorts of emotional problems later in life. Being quite an addictive personality as in past gambling etc means he is quite emotionally unstable and irrational with low reasoning ability. Also, calling his ex-wife mental is another red flag. She probably isnt at all. The relationship most likely broke down and he will never see that he was a contributing factor and in his bitterness, refers to her as mental. So there's at least 6 red flags. While everything is going well, he probably comes across as very amiable but it's when hurdles and problems arise (and they always do as that's life) that need dealing with, that is when things will get difficult. Sorry, I feel a bit mean writing him off but there are an awful lot of early warning signs that will manifest themselves further as the relationship develops.

Having been single for nearly 2 years now this is the exact reason I will definetly stay single until my daughter (11) is at least 18.
Hell would freeze over before I brought an Alan into her life.

He sounds a lot like my brother in law. I must admit my sister was in same position he'd recently came out of a divorce moved in soon after had a strong of kids and one he didn't see. It gave me the creeps but like you he'd do anything for anyone. My sister still allows him to live there as a source of easy money despite them now being broken up. It took me years to realise that his man was just too easy to please people that he was a target for women like my sister who see him as easy money. He is still paying two ex's money regularly working all hours and surprisingly has his son who he didn't see at the time now living with him and myself sister and she little boy after the kid realised his mum was the one doing all the using and abusing and had lied to him. It's a weird situation now. My sister isn't with him he has his own room and has had a handful of short dates. His son and my sisters son consider themselves brothers and my sister calls his son the step son despite the dynamics. He too would do anything for people work wise. Landscaped gardens for other family members etc. wouldn't take any payment I fast realised I'd got the wrong impression his biggest fault being his accent is very strong and makes him very hard to understand and causes him to sound drunk. So people assume he is when he ain't. I looked back at all his relationships and they were all women who already had kids who saw him as easy money for them and Thier kids. Some still do. He owes nothing to the ones he is still paying for but still pays them to make sure they are ok. In turn help would barley eat some days because his money goes to everyone else. Despite his money paying for my sister's household pretty much she won't cook him a meal he occassionally goes to his mates for Sunday lunch or my mum and dad will invite him down. But honestly maybe try looking at the relationships around this guy. My brother rin law did terrifying me at first. But I know now who I trust more and it's not my sister. It's this guy who when my sister has spent her money on booze and parties and can't buy her son a school uniform this guy has done. Or when my sister can't be bothered to go to parents evening he does. Despite my nephew not being his kid. First impressions can be so wrong. As for contributing look at what he's doing for people he's more than contributing. You also don't know whether he's giving her money when your not there.

Troubled childhood. Three children by three different women. Gambling addict. I'd run a mile and not look back.

He's unreliable.
He's irresponsible.
He can't hold down a relationship with women or his children.
He's not solvent and mooches off women for accommodation.

But your sister's no prize in the parenting stakes, if she lets boyfriends move in and play house. Especially with three daughters.

And are all three daughters by the same husband/partner and does that father have regular contact with his daughters?

Or is your sister more like her new boyfriend than you think?

I was with an Alan. I was very young and he was much older. I later realised that he systematically sought out women through online dating repeating the same approach until he got a ‘hit’. Even on our first date, there were red flags which made me uncomfortable, but which I ignored because I was naive and because I’d been raised to be polite and think well of people. Looking back, he hugely over-shared on that date and it was all about his troubles and tribulations. He also made a comment on my ‘arse’ in such a lighthearted, normalising way that I questioned what would’ve been my usual belief that this was unacceptable. Moving forwards, other signs included that he wanted to have unprotected sex (which I refused) and seemed to have no awareness of the risk associated with this, declared his ‘love’ very quickly and was nasty to me fairly early on about my choice of lipstick. These incidents were minor compared to what was to come. When we were abroad on holiday together after a few of months, he revealed he had a DV conviction, but was adamant that this was groundless and that he was a victim of an unjust accusation. He obviously did that deliberately because he knew it was difficult for me to get away at that point, and then spent the rest of the week persuading me that he had been wronged. I later learned that he had cheated on me while abroad and also uncovered that he was committing benefits fraud. When we lived together, I ended up covering about 90% of bills and expenses - we had agreed to a 75% (me) 25% (him) split, but he regularly failed to honour this, having spent the money on drugs. At the end of our relationship, he went bankrupt (luckily we did not have any joint accounts). The verbal and emotional abuse escalated over time (boiling the frog) and at the end he became physically violent and raped me. I’m only repeating lots of what’s been said but hopefully it’s helpful to hear so many people are familiar with these patterns. Please listen to your gut on this.

Fuck me Alan sounds like my ex, who ironically had the same name. He has 4 kids with 3 women, me being the first, I was the “crazy” ex when we split, being unreasonable about contact blah blah, when the reality was, he didn’t turn up, when he did I was shouted at for “being a slag that ruined his life” never paid a penny in CMS, ended up in court x3 but swore on his life he was paying. Same story with his other now ex, like I say it sounds like the same guy. He’s just moved in with someone new and got her pregnant. These men are vile, generally skint, liars and over all will never ever change. She needs to bin him off, and quick!!!!! He would still swear the reason he hasn’t seen DD for 13 years is due to me being difficult; they swear black is white. You are right to be concerned.

Piece of shit. When your sister becomes the terrible ex. i can’t imagine the the amount of harassment your family will face from him.

The thing is with Alans is that they very charming and very good with women. At least to start. Big on flattery with women, hit all the marks. And they are always misunderstood and the world has been very cruel to them especially, which is pretty weird because most men don't volunteer this stuff early on. But Alan will, and he will tell you he's very in touch with his feelings.

Men often are a lot less keen on Alan; he may not have too many male friends at all.

I've joined netmums as I feel like women on here speak sense most people where I live go from man to man

My mum and dad are still together. I would have stayed with the father of my kids forever and I could have just been the doormat he lived ne to be to keep a family however everyday was hell with him so I had to get rid of him. However endless comments about I need to find a man well I never see any that are decent why would I bring a man into our lives it seems alien to me as I never had a step dad although I know it is very common, maybe cause I'm also gay but even if I was straight I'm not sure what I would be like

No. legal aid for private family law is only available in DV cases!
There is a two tier test

1. is the matter within scope - DV private family law
2. Is the applicant on a low enough income/ meets capital thresholds to qualify .

It is true that there are many, many women who seem desperate for a man, any man. I cannot understand it at all. Do they think "society" judges and looks down on a woman who is without a man? It is so needy and so many problems arise because of it. The worst part is that canny men (like Alan) know this and play on it.

Your mother needs to be not accepting a new patio, but asking "explain this criminal record of yours, young man... and why you think you should be near my granddaughters for even five minutes?"

In what way has he "turned his life around"? He is sponging off women. He seems to have no self-respect -- and, sadly, neither does your sister.

I think all you can do is be sure your nieces know they can always drop into your house for a laugh or a fun time (so they might open up if anything is "not right" at home). As for your sister, she is a grown-up adult and I think you are maybe best staying as far away from their relationship as possible. If things go wrong for her, the fact that you held aloof (while holding all the cards to your chest and remaining silent) might make it easier for you to maintain your relationship with her.

The most important people here are the minors (your nieces). I had better not voice any more opinions here, because I am well to the right of Joseph Stalin when it comes to law and order (especially involving child protection).

You know so much yet blame the women for being 'needy' when it is the fault of the men for grooming, brainwashing, abusing and exploiting them.

@PrincessOlga It’s not necessarily just about needing a man. I think it’s an oversimplification to suggest that people (most often women) end up in these situations because they are concerned about societal judgement if they don’t have a partner. While societal expectations play a part in everyone’s decisions and none of us are immune to them, it’s not Victorian times where there was genuinely significant pressure to be in a relationship (marriage), so I think that situations with a potentially abusive partner are much more complex that the woman just wanting a man. Of course, it would be wonderful if we were all similarly and equally able to spot a wrong ‘un and send them packing, but these situations are often a very complex picture of grooming and coercive control, and mental health/self-esteem issues. We don’t know all the factors in this specific case but it sounds to me that the OP’s sister may be in the stage where she is being groomed/‘love-bombed’. Coercive control is becoming increasingly and widely evidenced as a very real phenomena and it isn’t as simple as the woman being negligent of herself and those around her. For example, the OP has alluded to a challenging childhood which she suggests may have affected her and her sister in different ways. There’s lots of information out there now on how and why coercive control happens, but this one describing the initial ‘love bombing’ stage is quite handy. https://www.solacewomensaid.org/policy-campaigns/awareness-campaigns-awards/love-bombing-affection-today-abuse-tomorrow/#:~:text=Love%20bombing%20is%20where%20an,of%20love%2C%20gifts%20and%20praise.

Or she is empathetic and he's played a sob story, which she feels is helpful to this 'amazing' bloke? Nice people do things like that. Even those who adore their kids, would never put them in harms way, can be tricked into acting against their better judgement and act totally out of character. Not about sex at all.
Honest to god, do NOT, please, judge. Especially as you have never and will never (your words) be in this situation. I would not wish any DA, DV or SV on my worst enemy.
OP was asking advice on how to look out for family. Focus on that, not how much you are greater than thou.

I'm sorry for being snappy, but unless you have lived it, you will never know how quickly the mind is fucked by men like this.

@tesitwist Have you seen the thread linked here? This scenario is exactly the situation that his ex is in.

Agree! I understand men (well anyone!) can be manipulative and totally understand how people get scammed etc when they’re looking for love. But moving a stranger in with your children after a matter of weeks is irresponsible and that doesn’t matter how manipulated you are or if he’s genuinely a saint. No man should be moving into anyone’s home this quickly. People have a duty of care to their children. And that comes before any new relationship.

his house burns down? Lend him money for a hotel. But DO NOT MOVE HIM IN TO HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO YOUR CHILDREN

You can't say you would never put your kids in harms way and then do just that. As adults we have a responsibility to ourselves and others to be cautious and watch out for con artists.
I think we lost the edge when we stopped talking about stranger danger, because 'its not always strangers'. Well, sometimes it is strangers. And they often use the same techniques to get us hooked. Loan sharking and selling us a sob story seem to feature so frequently in these stories its like they all use the same script.

Nah. Nobody is getting access to my children or infiltrating their home after a matter of weeks. Dress it up however you want, good parents safeguard their kids and they don't prioritise a bloke over their children's safety and comfort. Happy for people with less parenting ability to think this makes me "holier than thou" but don't kid yourself that this is just a situation that any of us could end up in. It isn't.

This, you can be empathetic all you like, nod and say the right things to but to move a virtual stranger in because you feel sorry for him? Nope, not happening.

Alan sounds like my bil who we've been no contact with for the last 6 years. Also a gambling addict. And charming on the outside but violent.

And that is how it should be. Absolutely. Glad you are a strong minded person who is hardened to mind games. Not everyone is lucky like that.

It's not luck.
And the women aren't falling for it due to being 'empathetic' also as you said in your last post, that wouldn't override the empathy for their kids, it's a choice to let these men move in and saying otherwise is enabling this crap.

And I have been heavily psychologically and emotionally manipulated and understand how it feels but I know for sure I would never let a man move in with my kids after such a short time, because I would put my kids before the man, and even if a man made me feel guilty and sorry for him it would be on me to deal with those feelings, and not try to alleviate them by making a man my kids problem also, because that wouldn't be empathetic, it would be selfish.

I wonder did this woman ask her kids how they felt about this strange man moving in, or has she checked in with them to see how they feel now that he's always around, I very much doubt it.

I keep thinking about this post. Is there an update? I'm invested and want to know the outcome.

Yes would love an update

@tesitwist I'm very curious about how this situation progressed and if you found anything else out about Alan. Any update?