To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

To say he talks about how he is on over 1k a week, he has nothing to show for it. His car is 15 years old.

Again, could be nothing but it doesn't add up. If you're on good money - which my sister insists he is, why has he left with absolutely nothing?

Alan's been through a lot has he? You're about to watch your sister and her kids go through a lot. Alan is a nightmare.

For both Claire’s Law and Sarah’s law anyone can put the application in - but if something concerning comes up it won’t be you they tell but your sister (your name won’t be shared). Definitely a good start.

Unfortunately I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. He sounds familiar - outwardly charming, inwardly a user, if not worse.

You are correct on domestic abuse entitling you for legal aid. It is no longer just available for anyone on a low income like it used to from what I understand/have experienced from people I have worked with. Worth a try with the info you have for Clare's Law, has he mentioned what area he lived in previously even if you don't have an address? Name and DOB is a good start I would have thought?

Your sister should be putting her kids first, not letting some bloke move in that she hardly knows.

It would be sensible to spend 12 months getting to know someone before even letting them meet the kids!

Do your sisters kids all have the same dad? What does he think of the situation?(as if I were him I would not be happy)

My alarm bells would be going off massively from all the little things you have said.

Why do so many women do this? Every day there's a new cocklodger on here!

Not if he’s a sole trader no. Only if he’s set up via a limited company which sounds unlikely but always worth a search.

And yes legal aid in divorce cases is only now granted where that party claims there has been domestic violence of some kind - and I imagine some need to back that up. It’s nothing to do with income levels.

Sadly I think you need to flag that to your sister who is exercising very poor judgment regardless. She might not want to hear it but that’s tough.

Well said.

Show her this thread, OP! Waves giant red flag

Oh he will claim that’s due to his awful ex wife who “took it all”. They always claim that these cocklodgers.

You're right, I forget they are separate applications.

Clare's Law is about domestic abuse.
Sarah's Law is about child sexual abuse.

You just give whatever info you can, including your sister's address. Names of his kids, number plate for his car is a good one as it will probably give an old address for him. Phone numbers, names of ex partners - anything at all will be useful to whoever does the digging.

You can do both online for your local police force.

If you're in Scotland you still get legal aid if you earn below the threshold without domestic abuse having to be involved.

No. Only if he's a LTD co, and a director of that conversation.

He's left with absolutely nothing because he gave his crazy ex a tenner last week and she used it to get her nails done. Not because he's gambling, no, of course not.

The girls do see their dad a lot - he is a good father to them so that's something. I'm not sure what he thinks to be honest as we don't speak anymore.

Probably just the latest bloke my sister has moved into her home

My sister won't have a bad word said about him as he's been through a lot

Does your sister need reminding she's not a repair service?

I agree about the red flags but, apart from planting seeds in her mind, there's little you can do when somebody's in lurve. However, I would point out that she might be better off holding out for a man who isn't broken. She deserves to get as much as she gives, in any relationship.

The thing is my sister can handle herself. She's loud, out spoken and won't put up with any crap. She's the opposite to me, I'm quiet and more reserved. She doesn't have a clue about men.

I think a few people think they are a complete joke as they are both known for constantly being in failed relationships.

I have to say, it's lasted longer than I thought it would to be honest.

But the more the drama goes on with Alan's ex wife, the more I'm getting worried and equally fed up. Why my sister wants a relationship with a man who has so much drama around him is beyond me.

He's covered in tattoos. Still has his ex wife's name tattooed on him. Then he has one that's covered up and I asked what was under neath it - he said it's another ex girlfriends name 🙄

We are not in Scotland but thank tou

Clare’s Law https://www.sussex.police.uk/police-forces/sussex-police/areas/campaigns/campaigns/clares-law---domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-dvds/

@NCForQuestions thank for all this info,

I can definitely get his car registration. I also know the name of his ex wife and thinking about it, I know the street she lives on so I can give them that too.

Definitely worth a try.

I have thought about contacting the ex wife but I don't want it to cause anymore drama.

So he's a cocklodger and a serial shagger.

I think Sarah's law you can't just get that info unless you can raise any supporting evidence e.g. worrying behaviour or language to the children but that's just what I have heard second hand so worth ringing anyway.

Incorrect. Money is not the deciding factor in divorce / finances. There MUST be a defined domestic violence history for legal aid to be granted. If yes, then income becomes relevant.

No, it's that if there is anything to worry the police about the relationship, they do not disclose to just anyone who makes the application, it's only disclosed to the person who is at risk and only some of it will be given to them. It's complex.

I’d be wary of anyone who ‘used to’ be a gambling addict but now ‘just does football bets’. It’s like saying someone ‘used to be an alcoholic’ but now ‘just drinks beer’ instead of spirits.

The thing is, even if Alan is a perfectly kind and well-meaning man, he obviously has a very chaotic personality and a history of poor choices, which may or not be due to his awful childhood. So even if he is kind to your sister, he is unlikely to be a good long-term prospect. He’s made a series of bad decisions in his life around relationships and children and so on. It’s possible that his ex is mad as a lorry, but even if that’s the case, that would have been another crap and self-destructive decision on his part to get involved and have a child with her. Someone who just spends their life swerving from one disaster to another, apparently has rubbish boundaries and poor impulse control is not someone I’d want my sister to be dating.

The fact that your sister has allowed him to move into her house with her kids, when she’s only known him five minutes, is insane. It’s insane that she thinks it’s OK and it’s insane that he thinks it’s OK. So yes, I can see why you’re worried. He may not be abusive - we can’t possibly know - but he sounds like a terrible choice regardless.