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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect exDH’s gf to treat me with some respect

178 replies

Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 11:17

This one might be more for relationships - but looking for some straightforward advice. Hopefully from gfs in this scenario.

I'm the XW. 1 DD with Ex.

He is now in new relationship with someone 15 years younger. They have a 4 month old baby.

the background is my ExH was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The marriage was miserable as a result after I had DD. I kicked him out for an emotional affair- that’s when I realised how emotionally manipulative he had been.

since we split, he has ramped up the vitriol. He has bad mouthed me to all his friends, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he tells people I am abusive and left him after having an affair. None of this matters to me, as was never very close to his friends. With a few exceptions, they are a bit odd. The nice ones were supportive and kind to me, but obviously have drifted over the years. All my friends and family have been supportive.

I have no doubt that he has told his new gf horrendous lies about me.

anyway, from the start of this relationship he has been trying to push this gf as DDs ‘new mum’. I’m a fairly easy going and secure person and tried to ignore it. But my ex has really pushed it. Making statements about DD spending time with ‘her new Family’.

before meeting her, my DD was with me most of the time ( despite ex having 50/50). He now gets the gf to look after DD while he is working/ away on trips with his hobby.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine. The Gf says my DD should spend time with her new sibling even when her dad isn’t around. I’m not against this, but at 4 months, the baby and my DD aren’t exactly natural playmates. It means my DDs activities are curtailed because it all revolves around the baby. She doesn’t take her to clubs etc, even though they are weekly commitments.

The gf is young and, frankly, is a bit clueless about how to parent a 10yo kid. She is very kind to DD which I appreciate, but let’s her do stuff I wouldn’t, says daughter is ‘lazy’ because she doesn’t remember to pack all her things for schools, activities. Let’s her lie in bed all day on her phone at weekends.

none of this is life threatening. But I don’t think my DD is a priority in this situation.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her. I’ve shown it to my partner, who says I’ve been polite and reasonable, but he points out that she evidently thinks I’m the devil incaranate.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child.

id actually like to have a good relationship with her as it’s in my DDS best interests ( not friends but polite and respectful iyswim)

how can I improve this relationship? And is there any point? AIBU to expect a munch younger woman to have the emotional intelligence to deal with this situation?

OP posts:
whatsitcalledwhen · 08/04/2024 11:21

How old is she OP?

Original poster
Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 11:22

the GF is 29. I’m 46.

DD is 10

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 08/04/2024 11:23

Your DD is old enough to vote with her feet. She can make the decision now at 10 and in court, her wishes would be listened to. I wouldn't make it about not spending time with her Dad, I would just say she wants to attend her activities and you'll be picking her up at X time if they aren't willing to take her.

Original poster
Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 11:26

I should add that I know lots of 29yo are great parents!

it’s more her lack of experience of dealing with a 10yo. I’d have been clueless before kids.

and also I really notice her immaturity in dealing with the situation. There is very little empathy or acknowledgment about how this recent change is a big upheaval for DD and also for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 11:26

Stressfordays · 08/04/2024 11:23

Your DD is old enough to vote with her feet. She can make the decision now at 10 and in court, her wishes would be listened to. I wouldn't make it about not spending time with her Dad, I would just say she wants to attend her activities and you'll be picking her up at X time if they aren't willing to take her.

I think I’ll do this.

OP posts:
YaMuvva · 08/04/2024 11:29

Stressfordays · 08/04/2024 11:23

Your DD is old enough to vote with her feet. She can make the decision now at 10 and in court, her wishes would be listened to. I wouldn't make it about not spending time with her Dad, I would just say she wants to attend her activities and you'll be picking her up at X time if they aren't willing to take her.

This OP!

At 10 if she prefers to be at home with mum whilst her dad is away then I think that she’s old enough to make that call.

Does she have much interest in her sibling?

nimski · 08/04/2024 11:32

Is the 50-50 contact court ordered? If not then let your daughter choose, if its court ordered you will struggle to take her when it's not your time.

whiteferrari · 08/04/2024 11:35

She (as you know) probably has a very bad one sided view of you. You are also dismissive of her saying she’s clueless and can’t look after a 10 year old.

Are you not at the stage of saying “let’s get a coffee” with both children there. You might perceive your texts are reasonable but she’s reading them differently.

BettyShagter · 08/04/2024 11:36

I think @Stressfordays has it spot on.

It's not a great situation all round and her dad should be taking care of her, and in the event that he can't, he should be asking his daughter what she wants.

Apart from anything else, this woman has a 4 month old baby to take care of. Her DP shouldn't be putting this situation onto her in his absence.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2024 11:37

I would change the 50/50 to whatever your dd wants AND make sure child maintenance is ramped up accordingly.

MILTOBE · 08/04/2024 11:38

There is no way on this earth my children would stay with my XH's girlfriend when they could be with me.

RedHelenB · 08/04/2024 11:41

It's not about you. You sound a bit jealous that dd has another family ( which she does as her dad, his gf and her baby sister comprises another one). Up to her dad to resolve the activities problem. I'd take a big step back , you don't need to message gf at all. Yabu.

ButterCrackers · 08/04/2024 11:43

It’s wrong that the SM isn’t taking your dd to activities because of having a baby. Thats no excuse. Get contact adjusted so that you can take your dd to her activities and increase the child maintenance to account for this.

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2024 11:46

29 is really not young—and I say this as a 63 year old. I think you would do better if your absolute contempt for her didn’t shine through. Perhaps she is reminding you, in an uncomfortable way, of how naive and easily abused you were by your ex? Maybe as PP said inviting her for coffee and expressing sympathy that she is stuck with Your sloppy seconds will help her see you as an ally.

justtidying · 08/04/2024 11:48

Another agreeing with @Stressfordays

jeaux90 · 08/04/2024 11:57

ButterCrackers · 08/04/2024 11:43

It’s wrong that the SM isn’t taking your dd to activities because of having a baby. Thats no excuse. Get contact adjusted so that you can take your dd to her activities and increase the child maintenance to account for this.

What's wrong is the feckless father expecting the SM to do everything he is supposed to.

OP encourage your DD to find her voice and explain her preferences and boundaries.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2024 12:06

You shouldn’t be messaging her, I’m amazed she hasn’t blocked you.

Take any issues you have up with your ex. You seem to judge her for being with him, though you did the same, and you’ve both chosen to have a child with him.

You know what he’s told other people about you, she’ll only have heard terrible things about you and now you’re validating her views by criticising her. Back off! She’s never going to respect you, and that’s fine as you don’t have to respect her. She’s nearly 30 fgs, easily old enough to have a ten year old, and presumably perfectly capable.

If you want to change the contact arrangement then discuss it with your ex but some of your complaints are ridiculous. DD does have a new family, she has a half sibling there. That’s a fact, not a slight on you. Step mum can parent how she chooses with the agreement of her partner.

Stop messaging her, you’re feeding into a narrative of you being unreasonable and unpleasant. Sit down with your ex and discuss changing the arrangement so DD can go to her activities. By focussing on his partner and the idea she owes you anything you’re not helping yourself.

Original poster
Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 12:10

RedHelenB · 08/04/2024 11:41

It's not about you. You sound a bit jealous that dd has another family ( which she does as her dad, his gf and her baby sister comprises another one). Up to her dad to resolve the activities problem. I'd take a big step back , you don't need to message gf at all. Yabu.

I knew I’d get a response like this.

I'm not jealous at all. I actually thought I might be- I had wanted more kids. But I’ve surprised myself that the only emotion I have is sympathy for the gf being stuck with my ex. His nasty behaviour only really came out when I had a baby.

As for DD, I’m actually happy for her. She now has a sibling, and even though she is t a fan atm, I’m glad she’ll have someone after her parents have gone.

you are right that i shouldn’t need to message the gf at all. I only do when my ex refuses respond to my messages. I fairly frequently get called by schools / clubs because DD hasn’t been picked up by feckless dad. I message him - he refuses to speak to me so I message gf.

only then does XH message me to say he’s running late etc. unfortunately, I probably come across as snippy/ frustrated as I am annoyed at DD being left!

OP posts:
Linedbook · 08/04/2024 12:14

I think your mistake was to try and deal with this via messages. As with anything that needs a proper discussion, you need to talk to her properly

Original poster
Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 12:15

pikkumyy77 · 08/04/2024 11:46

29 is really not young—and I say this as a 63 year old. I think you would do better if your absolute contempt for her didn’t shine through. Perhaps she is reminding you, in an uncomfortable way, of how naive and easily abused you were by your ex? Maybe as PP said inviting her for coffee and expressing sympathy that she is stuck with Your sloppy seconds will help her see you as an ally.

I get that. I did clarify in second post that 29 isn’t young. But she’s inexperienced as a parent.

she is also dealing with me and XH who have more than 15 years life experience on her. It isn’t insignificant. I’m old enough to be her mother.

and you’re right I do have contempt for her- I didn’t include in first post, but an incident early on where she was definitely very unreasonable made me think she was a bit of a twat, and very immature.

and you’re right about her reminding me of myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 12:15

Linedbook · 08/04/2024 12:14

I think your mistake was to try and deal with this via messages. As with anything that needs a proper discussion, you need to talk to her properly

Agreed. I will try this

OP posts:
Original poster
Figtreefalls · 08/04/2024 12:18

whiteferrari · 08/04/2024 11:35

She (as you know) probably has a very bad one sided view of you. You are also dismissive of her saying she’s clueless and can’t look after a 10 year old.

Are you not at the stage of saying “let’s get a coffee” with both children there. You might perceive your texts are reasonable but she’s reading them differently.

I think this is the problem.

she thinks I’m rude on texts, but I’m just passing on factual messages when she is looking after DD when he isn’t there.

OP posts:
Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 08/04/2024 12:23

I think you in a very difficult situation and trying to find reasonable ground is unlikely. I agree with the posters who say your daughter should decide where she goes.

If she has access to her phone then you can message her to say you are picking her up and to be ready for her activity.

Or you can respect her wishes if she does not want to go and she can stay home with you and continue her routine.

You have my sympathy being in this situation. I would also be really annoyed if my child wasn't able to attend their activities.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 08/04/2024 12:24

Right from the off she has a negative view of you, and ex will be twisting every interaction you have to make you seem worse.

It's not in his interests for you to have a good relationship with her at all.

I agree with pp about messaging her, because she thinks negatively of you she will read things into an innocent message automatically.

I would probably either go the route of mediation, or, if possible, just pick up dd take her to her clubs then drop her back again, show this woman that you're not who he says you are, he's probably doing the same to her as he was to you.

TheSnowyOwl · 08/04/2024 12:27

I agree that she is likely to have a bad opinion of you which you are reinforcing.

For any childcare etc where your ex is responsible for pick ups, can you step back and ensure they call him and not you. Then she can be the back up and get them bring snippy at her instead of you. I would then just not message her at all.

What does your DD want to do? Is the custody formalised?