AIBU to expect exDH’s gf to treat me with some respect

[Figtreefalls]

This one might be more for relationships - but looking for some straightforward advice. Hopefully from gfs in this scenario.

I'm the XW. 1 DD with Ex.

He is now in new relationship with someone 15 years younger. They have a 4 month old baby.

the background is my ExH was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The marriage was miserable as a result after I had DD. I kicked him out for an emotional affair- that’s when I realised how emotionally manipulative he had been.

since we split, he has ramped up the vitriol. He has bad mouthed me to all his friends, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he tells people I am abusive and left him after having an affair. None of this matters to me, as was never very close to his friends. With a few exceptions, they are a bit odd. The nice ones were supportive and kind to me, but obviously have drifted over the years. All my friends and family have been supportive.

I have no doubt that he has told his new gf horrendous lies about me.

anyway, from the start of this relationship he has been trying to push this gf as DDs ‘new mum’. I’m a fairly easy going and secure person and tried to ignore it. But my ex has really pushed it. Making statements about DD spending time with ‘her new Family’.

before meeting her, my DD was with me most of the time ( despite ex having 50/50). He now gets the gf to look after DD while he is working/ away on trips with his hobby.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine. The Gf says my DD should spend time with her new sibling even when her dad isn’t around. I’m not against this, but at 4 months, the baby and my DD aren’t exactly natural playmates. It means my DDs activities are curtailed because it all revolves around the baby. She doesn’t take her to clubs etc, even though they are weekly commitments.

The gf is young and, frankly, is a bit clueless about how to parent a 10yo kid. She is very kind to DD which I appreciate, but let’s her do stuff I wouldn’t, says daughter is ‘lazy’ because she doesn’t remember to pack all her things for schools, activities. Let’s her lie in bed all day on her phone at weekends.

none of this is life threatening. But I don’t think my DD is a priority in this situation.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her. I’ve shown it to my partner, who says I’ve been polite and reasonable, but he points out that she evidently thinks I’m the devil incaranate.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child.

id actually like to have a good relationship with her as it’s in my DDS best interests ( not friends but polite and respectful iyswim)

how can I improve this relationship? And is there any point? AIBU to expect a munch younger woman to have the emotional intelligence to deal with this situation?

For anyone interested:

I had a relationship with a divorcée who consistently told me what an astonishingly terrible person his ex-wife was.

I never believed him.

It didn't take long for me to recognise he was a coercive controlling narcissist.

It's too late for OP's XH's new GF, but I think if men speak of their exes in such extreme negative terms that's a red flag in itself.

Sorry for your troubles OP.

The things that enable us to make big and small sacrifices for our children (donating blood, picking them up on time, not wanting to be scolded by the school or team leaders for failing to take child to activities) are not present for the ex dh. He neither loves the DD nor experiences shame at failing her. So no schedule that requires him to even minimally discompose himself for her will be respected.

Therefore he cannot effectively co parent 50 percent of the time. I would work to end the arrangement any way I could —for DD’s benefit.

The poor bint who is stuck with him will figure it out one day. But that is not in your remit.

Remember she's in a relationship with someone who's emotionally abusive, so she's trying to keep him happy, and he's told her being awful to you is the way to do that.

Talk to her properly and you might find she'll be glad for you to pick up DD and take her to clubs etc when he's away, even if she "can't" agree to DD staying with you during "his" time

@Isittimeformynapyet thanks for your understanding. My ex is very narcissistic and I’m confident I’d get on well with the GF if he wasn’t around!

Same, my ex had a nasty, evil ex who withheld his kids from him, screwed him over for money, made up lies about him....

Guess what, now I'm the nasty, evil ex who withholds his kids from him, screws him over for money and made up lies about him.

Seriously?!

@TheSnowyOwl Care is formalised at 50/50 but that’s it- the court order says to be agreed between both parents.

DD wants to stay here most of the time. I recently had to persuade her several times to go to Dads. She loves him but says it’s boring as he doesn’t do anything with her.

You don’t really get to ask for their rightful time just because you don’t like their family set up. Where do you draw the line? If your Ex is popping out for an hour to do the food shop should he call you and offer you to have DD so she isn’t left at home without him?

Unless you are worried about safety, neglect or abuse you don’t get to dictate or butt in with what they do in their time or who is where. Be thankful the GF wants to spend time with your DD.

Thanks for all the replies - have read every single one and they’ve been very helpful.

its been really useful to view it more objectively.

Your ex not doing things with your daughter is the issue here. Not the GF. the title of your post is focused on her which it shouldn’t be.

you need to have a conversation with your Ex about how DD wants to spend more time with him being present and engaged.

If it’s court agreed 50/50 then it’s not really as simple as you just taking her in his time when he isn’t available. That is “his” time so if he needs to rely on childcare/partner/parents if he is working then that is his right, just as it would be yours to use childcare/partner/parents if you were working. If you want to change the agreement and your DD does not want to continue as things are then you can go back to court to change things.

I agree with others who suggest you might have more success if you could sit down & chat in person but of course how successful that is will depend on what she has already heard about you/thinks of you, and you know yourself how manipulative your ex can be.

I kind of get your point. I mainly leave them to it- even if he isn’t parenting the way I would.

but this is all recent. He never took his full 50/50 allocation of time and just dropped DD without agreement whenever he needed a babysitter/ was working.

he also never paid a PENNY to childcare. ( he was a cocklodger)

now he’s found someone else to provide free babysitting.

I actually think the Gf is a positive addition to the set up- she’s a more responsible parent than he is. DD says she is the one who takes her to activities- not him.

but it’s very difficult to stand back when your child’s needs and wishes aren’t being met.

At 10 surely any court would take into account the child's opinion so I don't think it's fair to continually have to persuade / force the child to go to her fathers house when she doesn't want to.

You have an awful lot to say about the GF but you’re more than happy to use her when it’s suits you i.e. when you’re not getting a response from your ex.

If you don’t her want involved like you say, then leave her alone and only communicate with your ex directly because YOU are the one who is triangulating here.

You can’t have it both ways, you can’t decide you don’t want her involved but then involve her yourself by messaging her because it makes your life easier as it means you don’t have to deal with your ex.

These situations are hard because whilst you aren't unreasonable, technically it's his contact time and he doesn't have to send DD back to you if he doesn't want.

I would completely avoid messaging the GF directly to be honest. She is never going to "take your side" over that of her partners. Deal solely with your ex, he is the Co parent here not his partner even if he does choose to leave DD with her a lot.

It's wrong that DAD isn't taking her I think you mean?

As both a mum (whose children have a step mum) and a step mum, two things stand out to me

• you don't get to set the rules at her house
• her age isn't a reason to disrespect her

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth i don’t message her out of preference.

majority is when there’s an urgent issue but XH is not responding to messages. So I message her to ask if she can get XH to message me.

it is stuff like doctors/ school / sports club calling up because kid not picked up/ missed appointment etc.

Quite.

The stepmother wants your daughter there so she can have a bit of freedom from baby and expect your daughter to entertain the baby whilst she does housework or goes to the loo etc .

I agree with this. It has never crossed my mind to blame ex's girlfriend for my ex's failings.
We now have a good relationship as a result.

I also didn't ever see her being younger as a negative. She's not lesser than me because she is younger. DH ex thought like this about me and I also thought it was astonishing when she is a deeply flawed parent (she brags about not comforting her children when they are ill, for instance).

On the flipside I have loved seeing the relationship between my children and their half brother blossom, I don't have the energy or inclination to have another child myself but he has really enriched their lives.

I don’t disrespect her because of her age.

but it is evident she is very young by the way she approaches things.

i also think her inexperience as a parent is
evident. Too many examples, but her approach has been noted by other parents at activities. And they’ve mentioned it to me.

This is actually my outlook on it.

couldn’t pay me to have another, but I’m happy there’s a sibling

We’re all inexperienced as a parent when we first have children.

It doesn’t sound like she’s actually doing anything wrong at all, the problem is with your ex and not her, you’re focusing on entirely the wrong person here honestly.