AIBU to expect exDH’s gf to treat me with some respect

[Figtreefalls]

This one might be more for relationships - but looking for some straightforward advice. Hopefully from gfs in this scenario.

I'm the XW. 1 DD with Ex.

He is now in new relationship with someone 15 years younger. They have a 4 month old baby.

the background is my ExH was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The marriage was miserable as a result after I had DD. I kicked him out for an emotional affair- that’s when I realised how emotionally manipulative he had been.

since we split, he has ramped up the vitriol. He has bad mouthed me to all his friends, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he tells people I am abusive and left him after having an affair. None of this matters to me, as was never very close to his friends. With a few exceptions, they are a bit odd. The nice ones were supportive and kind to me, but obviously have drifted over the years. All my friends and family have been supportive.

I have no doubt that he has told his new gf horrendous lies about me.

anyway, from the start of this relationship he has been trying to push this gf as DDs ‘new mum’. I’m a fairly easy going and secure person and tried to ignore it. But my ex has really pushed it. Making statements about DD spending time with ‘her new Family’.

before meeting her, my DD was with me most of the time ( despite ex having 50/50). He now gets the gf to look after DD while he is working/ away on trips with his hobby.

I’ve said I’d prefer if DC was with me ExH isnt available to look after her. That is DD’s preference- her friends and activities are near me and it means she can continue her usual routine. The Gf says my DD should spend time with her new sibling even when her dad isn’t around. I’m not against this, but at 4 months, the baby and my DD aren’t exactly natural playmates. It means my DDs activities are curtailed because it all revolves around the baby. She doesn’t take her to clubs etc, even though they are weekly commitments.

The gf is young and, frankly, is a bit clueless about how to parent a 10yo kid. She is very kind to DD which I appreciate, but let’s her do stuff I wouldn’t, says daughter is ‘lazy’ because she doesn’t remember to pack all her things for schools, activities. Let’s her lie in bed all day on her phone at weekends.

none of this is life threatening. But I don’t think my DD is a priority in this situation.

I have tried to raise this with GF - saying that if DD’s dad isn’t around, she should respect my wishes that DD should be with me. I’ve never criticised her ‘parenting’ btw.

she has been really chippy in her responses and has accused me of being rude to her. I’ve shown it to my partner, who says I’ve been polite and reasonable, but he points out that she evidently thinks I’m the devil incaranate.

she is also very entitled and seems to think she has an equal say in how to parent my child.

id actually like to have a good relationship with her as it’s in my DDS best interests ( not friends but polite and respectful iyswim)

how can I improve this relationship? And is there any point? AIBU to expect a munch younger woman to have the emotional intelligence to deal with this situation?

the opposite of love is indifference if he was badmouthing you to his friends he still had a lot of passion left specifically for you

I think any woman who can’t stand her ex would strongly disagree with you. Way to dress it up though.

Your goal shouldn’t be trying to improve this relationship, it should be sticking to your boundaries.

It sounds like she's been fed all the lines under the sun by your exH, they've got a young baby together and what a surprise he's decided now it's a great opportunity for his new girlfriend to parent his child. By parent, I mean babysit and do whatever is easiest for the new family, not what is best for the older child.

It's so predictable. There's dozens of threads on here from mothers and new partners where men try to line up their next girlfriend so they don't have to parent. Usually the next girlfriend is quite a bit younger than their ex (and children's mother) so they can give them the script and she'll be desperate to prove to him that she's not like his ex.

I think you need to rethink your ask to focus on the right questions.

It's not up to you to decide who looks after your daughter on her dad's allocated time. You might not like that his gf is the main carer in their home, and I completely understand why, but you don't get to ask that she stays at yours even if her dad isn't home. And you certainly should not discuss this with her!
It's ultimately your ex's decision to make. Plus, if he is trying to piss you off, he is likely to push for the opposite to what you want.

I think your main leverages are:

1. What your daughter wants to do - thread carefully, so he can't raise a case for parental alienation. Maybe keep it along the lines that she is a bit bored and wants more time to see her friends. Ideally it should come from her rather than you.
2. The fact that she is missing her weekly activities/commitments regularly, which isn't good for her progression.

Sounds like the ex is opting out of parenting by not taking the calls/messages when he forgets stuff or arrangements need confirming as he knows @Figtreefalls will contact the girlfriend leaving him free to continue being a feckless father (and partner).

think I’d stop contacting the girlfriend and make it clear to him that he’s the parent. If he can’t sort out collections, activities and contact than it will be reduced. He either shapes up or something has to give.

All for good sibling relationships etc but not at the cost of your daughters childhood being passed over as he has other things he’d rather do when she’s with him.

Idk if you’re allowed to take your dd to activities and return her on his contact time. Do you need his permission, preferably in writing?

Can you make a note of when your ex is around during his contact time and what your dd is missing out on? Then take it back to court. You’ve had some good suggestions upthread of how to approach it.

I actually think the Gf is a positive addition to the set up- she’s a more responsible parent than he is.

But she’s only 29 and he’s got 15 years extra life experience and a ten year old, and you admit to viewing her with contempt and gossiping about her with other mums. You clearly loathe her but now you’re happy she’s around?

DD says she is the one who takes her to activities- not him.

You said DD doesn’t get to go to activities when she’s there, and that’s because her step mum won’t take her.

Hard to keep up when you’re contradicting yourself.

I agree your DD should be with you when her dad is at work. She shouldn’t be palmed off to her SM. If dad is at work, then out of you and SM it should be you taking her to her activities. SM’s life does revolve around her baby, and your DD’s activities probably aren’t compatible with her life right now.

When I had my youngest and she was a baby, I found it really difficult to take my eldest to his football practice. My eldest is my own child though and I am a mum of 4, so I had to make that effort to make it all work as mum of children of different ages.
Your DD’s stepmum is a mum of 1 and understandably doesn’t want to be rushing out to older children’s activities if she doesn’t have to.

When the dad isn’t there then the SM should take the daughter. That is what I mean.

I think you should definitely have a phone chat whenever your ex isn’t around and say that you’re very keen and happy for her to have a good relationship with your dd and that you’re absolutely committed to doing whatever you can to support this relationship between you/her/dd.

however, DD has commitments and ex H HAS forgotten to collect or not taken/collected her on a number of occasions and it’s important to dd that she gets to do her things too. Yes the relationship with her little one IS important but at 4m, is obviously a bit limited.

tell her that you’re happy to work with her to make everyone as happy as possible, but that’s also including dd, and while you’re never going to tell her how to parent her little one, she also doesn’t need to tell you what’s what either.

show the gf that you’re not against her, that the messages you’re sending are absolutely not sent in rudeness, but obviously if she’s looking at them with a negative lens on them she’ll see edges and slights that aren’t really there.

that said… do you have advance knowledge of when each is away? does your dd have a phone? Can she call you and tell you she’s not been collected? Can she tell you that her dad’s not there and you go get her?

if dd doesn’t want to be sat doing nothing all day because she’s stuck in with the gf and the baby, she doesn’t have to be. Contact is for HER benefit, pure and simple.

Respect is a two-way street.

You can go back to court to change access, perhaps have it more formalised if that suits you better. Your daughter's wants will be given more consideration as she gets older. However, you don't have a say who provides childcare while she is with her dad (any more than he could dictate who she spends time with when she is in your care). Sounds like he will always be a waste of space so his GF may be a better option.

In the time your daughter is with them you are not expected to be on call to do drop off and pick up ... You should be using that time for yourself!

How else would you phrase it?

theres a definite correlation between age and maturity. There are always exceptions. But I’ve found that many people ( myself included) mellow as they age.

obviously I’m not saying that to her face.

Oh fgs- she is better than my XH because despite being 15 years older, he is a cocklodger and manchild.

as I said in my update there is a correlation between age and maturity, but there’s always exceptions.my ExH being one of them.

My DD said gf is better at taking her to activities than DF, but it’s a low bar and obviously this is before she had her own baby. Recently, it hasn’t happened.

does that clear it up for you?

She is not 'new mum' though is she. It's one thing acknowledging her stepmum and half brother as her family - another trying to replace the mum she has.

@LolaSmiles i agree - I see this scenario played out time after time on MN posts.

I’ve even seen situations that are so similar to mine that I’ve thought I’m reading one of my old posts with an old username!

I feel sorry for @Figtreefalls having to go through these posts and mentally filter out

• the bitter people who are projecting onto the OP’s situation and want to make her feel bad so they feel better for a moment
• the technocrats who will obsess about mentions of age, and want to make OP feel bad for pointing it out
• the people who are step-mothers who see this as a gift opportunity to have a kick at a mother

Good luck @Figtreefalls . Nothing unreasonable about your OP.

I get this and if I do say she is with her dad.

but often they’ve tried him and there’s no answer.

its also hard to stop caring about DD just because I’m not there.

but now DD is older, I’ll leave him to it. You’re right

Frankly if you ever get another call that your daughter has been not picked up just go pick her up yourself and bring her home to yours .

When school say they've tried him and there's no answer, I go pick up DC. (Has happened a few times to me!)

Still not a reason for getting in touch with the gf which I'd avoid tbh

I’m giving it consideration. DD seems slightly scared of confronting her dad.

he gets angry if she asks to stay at mine. To support her, I do try to soften her dad up- say it’s only because she’s tired or the neighbours have asked her for a play date.

she tells me things only if I promise not to mention to her dad.

I’ve tried to encourage her and say her dad will love her no matter what.

however, I’m a little concerned about putting her in a position where her dad could interpret it as rejection. He has to be the best parent.

but I’ll keep encouraging her for now. I tell her that it will be her decision soon how she divides her time. So she can go between homes as it suits her.

@JacquesHarlow thanks for your kind and supportive post

Your last post is just how it's been for my DC. And it's not easier when they can make their own decisions because there's still the fear of upsetting him (and the bribery he occasionally comes up with, too).

So difficult to manage! Sorry that's not particularly helpful.

Although I did find it easier once DC got to secondary age and started planning their own social lives - they just invited friends to their dad's or got him to drive them.